Handhold for mum, DD in bits for first day of college today

[AdultwithLplates]

DD starts at gymnasium today (sort of equivalent to sixth form college in the UK). She's coming from a small independent school so not many people she knows will be going to this place, and those that are are not in the same class as her. She's in bits. She's been crying on and off all this week. She's just caught the bus and was blubbing. It was her choice to get the bus, as she doesn't want to look like a wimp with her Mum in tow, and I thought also it would be better if I wasn't there for her to react to (if you see what I mean).I'm now sat here thinking should I text her? Or would that make it worse? I'm thinking once she gets there the staff will be very good at sorting out the new students. I'm sitting on my hands. Someone talk to me!

do they have student well being support ahead of could go to ?

Can she arrange to meet someone she does know in the break or for lunch? Hopefully you've talked to her about looking for a sympathetic looking person in her first class and seeing if she can be with them at the break if not.

She will be fine if she can just paint a smile on and go in with her head high.

She’ll be fine 🙂 A quick message to say something like “Hope that you have a fab day. You’ve got this. So proud of you” would be fine 🙂

It's completely normal to be nervous about starting at a new school. And it's heartbreaking if our children are upset and we can't really help. I was the only one from my village school to go to the Gymnasium and I didn't know anyone and it was hard at the beginning (I was 11) but it taught me not to be afraid of such situations, it will work out.

Ahh, she will be absolutely fine. She's done the most difficult bit and been very mature and got the bus. Try and relax and maybe text towards the end of the day saying you're looking forward to hearing about her day! Breathe x

I’m sure she will be absolutely fine and no doubt this evening be telling you all about the new people she met! Well done to her getting the bus. Things like that will build her confidence and let her know for future that she can do difficult things and be ok. Change is difficult for all of us but she knows she has you to fall back on if she needs it. I wouldn’t text yet. Give her a chance to settle herself and maybe drop her a message at lunch time. She know where you are and will text you if she needs to. She sounds like a strong young woman even if she doesn’t realise it herself yet.

Younger DD is texting her, but she's not responding. Hopefully this means she is there and meeting with people. She's got a few people she's arranged to meet with before they go in, but they are a couple of girls she met at a party a few weeks ago, not longstanding friends. I'm hoping they can connect as arranged as it would knock her confidence if they didn't. But I know how busy they will be and it would be easy for arrangements to get forgotten or just not happen.
I'm not going to text her unless she texts me.
The gymnasium staff seem quite switched on. She went to an orienteering week back in the Spring and the staff were all out front looking to direct people to where they needed to go. Fingers crossed they do the same today. I can imagine she's not the only bundle of nerves.
I'm promised I'll go and pick her up later by car (but she has the option to cancel if other things come up - I don't want to cramp her style!).
It's so difficult this! She was at the previous school from age 6 to 15 so that's all she knows. I must not text, I must not text, I must not text.

Thank you for all your kind messages. It's helping to hear different perspectives and experiences.

I just thought to check her location and can see she's at the site, so I know she got there and didn't do a runner - phew! Now I just need to be patient. Going to be a very long day....

Why haven't you taught her that when you move schools or jobs your friends don't tag along with you? It sounds like she could learn a lot from this experience. But, I would send her a text around lunchtime to hear how everything is going. But I'd do that even if my child was fine going into school.

Don’t text her, let her get on with it

Oh, I feel for you op x
Try to find some distraction for today.
She'll probably come home with lots to tell you!

Ex teacher

we’re totally used to this on the first day and we keep them busy with plenty of ice breaker activities.

What do you mean "why haven't you taught her?" What a weird question. You can't just insert knowledge fully formed into someone. She's learning now isn't she. Learning is difficult.

I agree. Surprised that some posters think the op's 17 year old daughter is brave for getting the bus on her own. Hopefully this change in her life will instill some confidence and independence.

Bless her, it is a big day for her, make the evening dinner special later and I am sure she will be much happier after her first day is over. In the meantime keep yourself busy op!!

No the poster is right. You should have put her in situations where she needs to make new friends before now eg after school activities, sports club, part time job. It seems a very extreme and rather pathetic reaction for a 16 year old

She's 15, nearly 16. She's well able to catch buses on her own and has been doing so since 13/14. The bus is definitely not the issue here. She's quite confident and independent as we are a family that believes in teaching resilience. But she still has to go through the experience for the first time.

@BigAnne
Presumably you live in a town or city?

When you live in the middle of fields and catch a school only bus to school for years, using public transport on your own for the first time in a town or city is very daunting, no matter your age.

My 16yr old DS caught the wrong bus last year as he wrongly assumed that as it looked like the normal village bus, (small white bus) and it had stopped at the same stop in the town, it was the correct bus for our nearest village. He even checked with the driver and mentioned “Church X” but the driver probably misheard him and thought he said a place which sounds similar. Luckily, I have the Find my phone app on my phone and checked when he hadn’t arrived home to discover he was over an hour away in completely the wrong direction. I had to drive to collect him around 9pm at night.

However, properly rural kids have their own particular skill set and if the internet stopped working and a freak storm cut electricity off, they’d be perfectly capable of living off the land without needing to run to the nearest corner shop for supplies. 😂

We have and she has quite a few hobbies and competes at high level in her sport. But this is a whole new thing and in her head it is big BIG HUGE. I did keep telling her to breathe, take it one step at a time and try to not panic. I think it is because it is for the next three years and she's worried about not making friends.

Why is she so upset? I can imagine some natural nerves at a new setting, but ‘in bits’, ‘crying all week’ and ‘blabbing on the bus’ seems very extreme for a n almost 16 year old attending a new school.

I guess we're all built differently.

No, but is there something else going on you haven’t mentioned — additional needs, past trauma from bullying etc?

We have. I've always encouraged her to think for herself and get used to the idea that she ahs to do what's best for herself, and not go along with what all her friends are doing. Hence she is going to this gymnasium, but most of her class are off to a different gymnasium.

Not really. She had some girls in her class that were very different in outlook and they did leave her out a bit. But she forged some really strong friendships with the lads group in the past two years and had some really lovely friendships with them. She's made of strong stuff. Just anxious to make new friends. Maybe she's built it up in her head. I've told her to say 'yes' to everything in the first few weeks to make sure she has as broad a network as possible going forward.

And she's always been a bit highly strung. But that's her character.