Handhold for mum, DD in bits for first day of college today

[AdultwithLplates]

DD starts at gymnasium today (sort of equivalent to sixth form college in the UK). She's coming from a small independent school so not many people she knows will be going to this place, and those that are are not in the same class as her. She's in bits. She's been crying on and off all this week. She's just caught the bus and was blubbing. It was her choice to get the bus, as she doesn't want to look like a wimp with her Mum in tow, and I thought also it would be better if I wasn't there for her to react to (if you see what I mean).I'm now sat here thinking should I text her? Or would that make it worse? I'm thinking once she gets there the staff will be very good at sorting out the new students. I'm sitting on my hands. Someone talk to me!

I've had a message!

"13:15 we finish xx"

So I've just replied

"Ok, let me know nearer the time if you change your mind about pick up xxx"

I'll relax now!

You don’t teach resilience.

It’s something we learn through life experience and resilience isn’t about not being upset or anxious. It’s about learning how to overcome those feelings and achieve what you want.

OP obviously has a resilient DD. She’s travelled independently to a new school having spent 9 years in her previous one and kids without resilience don’t get into gymnasiums - they are equivalent to our grammars.

Congratulations to your DD.

I agree just a text at lunch to check in and perhaps he’ll her you’re making her fave dinner for this evening so she has something to look forward to.

I hope she has a good first day.

Do parents not have their own life anymore, sorry I know this is flippant and I’m in a grouch but the level of helicopter parenting is beyond a joke. Just stop tracking her stop messaging her just leave the poor girl alone you are making it worse, and get on with your own day, it’s ok to care and worry but this is just such a strange level of involvement.

What do you mean teach? She obviously knows her friends arent coming with her, OP cant give her practise scenarios of having not friends 😂

At 15 she's unlikely to have moved many jobs or schools, this is presumably her first big move. Moving to a new job or hobby where theres usually a smallish, ready made collection of people to socialise with, and making friends isnt that important, is completely different to starting a new college with 100s of other teenagers. Its completely normal to be anxious about that at 15

OP, she will be fine. It sounds like shes confident, shes just having a first day wobble. I would send her a little text at lunchtime

We had a dear parent take the wrong bus when they were visiting us. We were busy working and they wanted to go in to town. The bus is the 1A, only at the time they were going in to town there was a 14 bus coming by which heads off out of town before finally heading back in again to the main bus station. A 10 minute trip takes nearly an hour instead on the 14. Elderly dear parent needs new glasses as they caught the wrong bus! (but swore blind they'd caught the right bus!).

I haven't messaged her? I'm not helicoptering parenting. I'm on here so I am 'leaving' the poor girl alone.

Exactly, you cant just tell someone to be resilient and expect it to happen. These are the scenarios that people learn resilience in and starting at a new college for the first time cant really be replicated beforehand.

Emotions and worries are a normal part of life, resilience is about dealing with them when they come up. OPs DD has gone into school, on the bus, sounds like shes contacted some girls she doesn't know that well. She's done all the right things, shes just feeling normal emotions when you go through your first big change in life and is using her mum for support.

Why are so many people being insensitive twats on this thread?

I hope your DD has a good day and settles well into her new school OP.

Ah, thanks @Solidchocolatekitkat I appreciate the sentiment and all the positive posters. DD has no idea I'm worried for her. I've been quietly supportive to her and haven't really entertained the tears too much, just tried to be reassuring and let her know we have confidence in her abilities to get on with it. I didn't even walk with her to the bus stop this morning - thought she might be more composed without me there. It's a bit of a tight rope!

DH has just wandered out of his study and said 'I hope X is having a good day!", so it's not just me :)

I'll update later for anyone who is interested in how she got on.

We all have different fears and life experiences, if someone does something that really scares them then they are being brave no matter whether you think it should be something they find scary or not. Going to a new sixth form (30 years ago now) was terrifying for me as I struggled a lot socially, but I did it and I'm still proud I did.

She sounds very overwhelmed op but I think the fact she was in fact able to do this, however hard she found it in the run up, is a really good sign. Especially her reasoning - it sounds like she knows in her own mind that she has to face it and has done so. I'd leave her be, she's got a lot to get her head around today and will be meeting lots of people so most likely doesn't have the time or mental bandwidth for responding to texts from family right now.

I think some people on this thread are not parenting human teenagers but computers where the input 100% determines the output. I hope your children understand that

You are supposed to cry to your mum and be fine when you get there, that's how you do resilience.

Good luck to DD OP. She'll be fine! If not today, in a few weeks when she's settled in. It is horrid having to let them learn these lessons but you know very well you get the tears and highly strungness and the rest of the world gets a throroughly competent grown up person. 'Tis the curse of the good parent.

I think she will meet gifted talented intelligent people with the same interests and be on friendly terms in no time.

Wow! Were you never just the tiny bit concerned for your DC in a new setting? Must be lovely to be inhabiting that utopia.

Oh, this will be me in a few weeks. My 16 year old has made the choice to go to a different sixth form college to any of her friends. She also will need to get the bus or train when she's used to walking to school, and is anxious about taking public transport even with a friend or family with her. I'm so proud of her for being brave and choosing the best option for her rather than the easy option with her friends but day 1 will be hard!
I hope your daughter has a great day today.

@ThingsgetbetterwithalittlebitofRazzmatazz
I hope your daughter has a good day too!

She's home. I went to pick her up and she held it together until she got in the car and then there were tears rolling down her cheeks. I let her decompress a bit before piling on the questions.

Seems nothing horrible happened, and the class teacher seems nice. No one was horrible or anything, but it is all just so new and unfamiliar she is a little overwhelmed. She saw a few familiar faces around campus during the day but stayed with the allocated tables for her class at lunchtime in the canteen - which is good because she's sticking with the kids she's supposed to be bonding with. She spoke to a few kids but she said most people were keeping themselves to themselves at this stage - I guess it's a self-defense mechanism. They've had a few icebreakers and then in the afternoon a stand up comedian (who she said was simply not funny - teenagers are a harsh crowd!). I asked her on a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 was the worst possible day and 1 was sublime how today went and she said '6' - so that's not too bad! She says she's just taking it one day at a time. She also said there was another kid who just looked in a right state (poor thing) which I think made her feel slightly better. She said she managed to not cry during the day.

We've just de-stressed by watching the first episode ever of The Inbetweeners - she's not been allowed to watch it previously. And there was some laughing witnessed...

Thank you for the support everyone, I really appreciated it. Good luck to others going through similar in the coming weeks/months.

Is she in Sweden?

The thing to remember is that at Gymnasiet everyone is in the same boat as everyone changes school the year they turn 16. Normally the first week contains a lot of "getting to know each other" things so they are used to kids being nervos of the change.

For some kids it's an even bigger change as where I live (rural central Sweden) there were several kids in each class who were living away from home in seöf-catering, student accommodation.

She will find her tribe in the next few weeks.

Please be kind.

Of course I care worry and love my DS but at 16+ they are able to cope with buses and trains and travel alone and new experiences without phoning me, without me texting them non stop it’s ridiculous.

I’m glad the OPs DD had s good day and hope she can gain some confidence.

She sounds very resilient if highly strung. It's the epitome of resilience to be terrified but do it anyway, not just gliding through life, firmly in your comfort zone. Well done her.

DD2 never got on with secondary school or college and was probably just as terrified as this but unable to express it in the same way.

She does at least like working and has shown a very good work ethic.

Christ there are some dickheads on this thread - I cannot imagine a circumstance where a 15 year old who is going off to a new school where they know no one would not be nervous, worried etc but she’s got on and done it anyway, does not know her mum is worried for her and that to me IS resilience. She will learn that she will be fine and will be able to deal with a situation herself. So many times on here we read that mummy or daddy have jumped in, resolved a situation for the child or not had them face it in the first place and then claim that resilience does not need to be learned by making them face anything remotely difficult or uncomfortable. Well done to your DD OP. Glad her first day was a ‘6’ - it will get better and less uncomfortable as the weeks go on,

I think you might have not followed. She's 15 (just about to turn 16). Is perfectly able to travel alone. She sent me one text message halfway through the day about pickup arrangements and I responded to that. It's like you've made up a completely different scenario in your head. . .

She had an OK day, thank you. And this morning, whilst still a bit damp of eye, is looking a little less wobbly than yesterday.

Final post, just in case anyone is going to be going through the same and is looking for reassurance.

She came home yesterday and had made a friend! She also spoke to a few other girls and is much happier in the class now.

This morning, day three, there were no tears and no stressing. I'm sure she's going to be fine. I'm so pleased as now she 's done this type of move once she'll likely have no problems in the future looking ahead to university etc... I'm looking forward to watching her grow in confidence over the coming year. They grow up so quick, honestly it seems like only yesterday she was this scrawny wee baby. Gulp.

Have a great day!

Fantastic news OP. Well done to you both.