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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

I have broken my daughter's heart

30 replies

lilypoppet · 29/10/2016 11:04

This is a complicated story. Three years ago I was persuaded to move up north from east london and tried to back out. My middle daughter was looking forward to her new school so she persuaded me to try it for three years and then we'd go back. I stuck it out for three years, hated it. She didn't want to move back to London so we all moved back to Sussex where I have family. My daughter loved it where she was, hates her new sixth form. She'd started a relationship with a boy - who is actually trans - in Yorkshire whom she misses desperately. She is committed to two years of sixth form, but wants to go to uni in Yorkshire and be reunited with boyfriend, which I am happy for her to do. Meantime she is broken hearted, what can I do?

OP posts:

Undersmile · 29/10/2016 11:09

Emphasise how wonderful modern technology is, as we have social media, email, Skype and railways nowadays!
Comfort her, and soothe her feelings, safe in the knowledge that either a) it was meant to be, and they'll maintain a LDR for a couple if years, then be together or b) it wasn't meant to be, distance will make her realise that, and she'll move on.

stonecircle · 29/10/2016 11:12

Tell her to stop being such a drama queen?

Knuckle down and get the best A level results she can which will help her go wherever she wants?

Point out that it's too late to start at another sixth form so it is what it is?

Remind her that she only has another 18 months in sixth form (a lifetime to a teenager I know)?

Point out that you need a bit of give and take on both sides?

Suggest she starts again at another local sixth form/college if that's possible? But that will mean delaying leaving school by another year.

Help her find a job so she has money to go and visit bf?

AndNowItsSeven · 29/10/2016 11:14

You/her are both very dramatic. Her " boyfriend" needs support, do you think the relationship will actually go anywhere anyway?

Original poster

lilypoppet · 29/10/2016 15:00

Well I suppose I hoped shed love her new college and find a 'proper' boyfriend but that isn't likely.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 29/10/2016 15:08

Em, ignoring the proper boyfriend comment...

Just tell her that if it's meant to be, they'll be reunited in 2 years at university, if she works hard, doesn't let herself get distracted, and gets the grades.

SpeakNoWords · 29/10/2016 15:11

It doesn't matter if she has a boyfriend or girlfriend, surely? To her, it is a proper relationship. I'd concentrate on the fact that she needs to get the right a level results to give her choice over where she can go at 18, and not to let her dislike of the new college to put her off that. It must be quite daunting to have to start a levels and make new friends and work with new teachers etc.

Original poster

lilypoppet · 29/10/2016 15:24

Yes she has been amazingly resilient and I only want her to be happy but two years seems such a long time

OP posts:

SpeakNoWords · 29/10/2016 15:34

She will adjust and make friends over that time. It's only been half a term so far, by the end of the year it'll be a different situation.

JasonVorheesMum · 29/10/2016 15:41

I think op means proper as in not long distance. Emphasise that unless she stops moping, gets the expected grades she might not get into her first choice uni.(and then she might not see him) So time to don her big girl pants, work hard and it will be results time before she knows it. In the mean time, Skype, FB and everything else. There are even trains to Yorkshire these days.

LittlePaintBox · 29/10/2016 15:50

She's committed to completing her 6th form, which is good. All you can do is support her in establishing a new social life and encourage her to keep in touch with her long distance boyfriend through social media and visits, if that's what she wants to do. 'Heartbreak' at that age is very painful, but if she learns that it can be lived with, it will be a good life lesson for later on.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/10/2016 15:54

Your DD seems to have an inordinate amount of say in what you do and where you go, doesn't she - you moved up north because she wanted to, you moved back down south because you hated it up there but not to London because she didn't want to - I think you've probably given her a bit too much self-importance here!

If she's your middle DD, where are the others? What do they think? Or is she the only one who matters?

DinosaursRoar · 29/10/2016 16:09

You know, when I was 16, I and pretty much all of my friends had boyfriends/girlfriends. I know only one couple who married the person they were dating at 16. (and they are a bit odd TBH)

It's true love now because every 16 year old is convinced it's true love. Let her get on with it. Let her apply for where she wants for uni, assuming it'll be a good place for her, let the boyfriend apply for where he wants. Doesn't mean they'll end up at the same place, or that in 2 years time they'll still want to be together. Keep saying that if it's meant to be, then they will stay together. Don't tell her it won't last anyway or the like as that might just make her dig her heels in.

Make sure she's got lots of opportunities to meet other people her age and go out (if that means you up pocket money a little so she can say yes to every invite, do it).

Original poster

lilypoppet · 29/10/2016 20:30

Thanks for your help. I am pleased to say she is making a trip to Yorkshire on her own to go to the GCSE Presentation Evening to pick up her GCSE certificates as she was given a couple of awards for all her hard work. The way I got pushed into moving to Yorkshire is a long and complicated story, no time to relate it here. I have an older daughter who is abroad studying through university, my middle DD and a younger one who likes Yorkshire and Sussex. It is my middle daughter who is suffering. I really like her boyfriend, and I am sorry their relationship is now long distance, but I couldn't face being in Yorkshire for another two years, especially as it meant never seeing my eldest as she found the place "too cold" and hardly ever visited, she just stayed in London with HER boyfriend (he isn't trans).

OP posts:

pontificationcentral · 29/10/2016 20:34

Why is being trans relevant? It doesn't seem to have anything to do with where you live or the resilience of any of your children?

Original poster

lilypoppet · 30/10/2016 04:38

It just feels quite unique having a daughter who's boyfriend was born a girl. I'm actually not hugely bothered by this and I really like her boyfriend but I can't pretend it isn't unusual. The reason I brought it up is that when we moved at the back of my mind I wondered if my daughter would me a boy - someone who was born a boy - in her new school, but at the moment u can see she clearly isn't interested. But honestly people are so jumpy about trans gender relationships, yet it would be ludicrous to suggest that it was all straight forward and never mention the fact.

OP posts:

Pluto30 · 30/10/2016 05:04

Still don't get what being trans has to do with anything...

Pluto30 · 30/10/2016 05:07

Anyway, she'll be right. I moved 2 hours away in Grade 10 and lived to tell the tale. The relationship would be unlikely to stand the test of time anyway, and eventually she'll have to learn about heartbreak; it's a part of life.

Original poster

lilypoppet · 30/10/2016 05:33

The reason I mention trans is that it provides more of a picture of what is going on.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2016 05:37

I don't have teens yet. However I was that girl with a long distance relationship. It ended because he stopped writing to me. Although I saw him a few years later and he insisted he didn't, that I stopped writing to him. Therefore I can only conclude one of our parents hid the letters and perhaps my mother didn't post mine as she offered to mail them for me. I was heartbroken. And still all these years later despite having a beautiful daughter and loving husband, it hurts.

The best thing you can do is be the most supportive mum you are able. The fact that you're even concerned about her emotional wellbeing puts you way above anything my mother did for me. The relationship will probably fizzle out. And if you don't want her heart broken, I think I would consider offering for him come and stay over sometime. I know they're very young. How you would play the bedroom issue in these circumstances is another question. I'd not want my dd at 16 yrs old to have a boyfriend in her bed. Will she be staying overnight in Yorkshire or just for the day?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 30/10/2016 05:52

Isn't it possible though that she might now prefer a girlfriend? I think that you need to be open to any possibility not pin your hopes on a 'proper' boyfriend. I would facilitate the long distance relationship while making it clear that this is where you live now, if she wants the pick of universities then she needs to work hard. Either the relationship will last or fizzle. My money would be on it possibly lasting the two years (unless they meet someone new) but then fizzling out when they are reunited.

luckylucky24 · 30/10/2016 06:02

My sister started a LDR at 16. They are still together 4 years on and still Long distance.

plugitinsilly · 30/10/2016 06:21

I think the trans thing only complicates things for you. I suspect it would for me too if it were my DC, as much as I'm pretty relaxed about most things.

But I agree with the other poster saying that it's your DD calling the shots. The more you indulge her in this heartbreak, the more she'll wallow in it.

Original poster

lilypoppet · 30/10/2016 07:27

Honestly, if she wants a girlfriend I am absolutely fine with it. I just want her to be happy. I think she needs to work a lot of these things through in her own mind as she is only 16. I have offered for the boyfriend to stay over at mine but I don't think the mum will allow it as it is too far away. My daughter will be staying over at her boyfriends house; the mum is very strict and makes them stay in separate bedrooms. She is struggling with her son being trans far more than me, which is fair enough because having a child change sex is a bigger issue for a parent than a child staying the same sex but being in a trans relationship. Interestingly, when I was in Yorkshire I needed to go away and wanted the boyfriend to stay over with my daughter but his dad said no because as he rightly pointed out in any relationship it would actually be illegal for two 16 year olds to sleep together, which I guess is what they would have ended up doing. I think the mum thinks I am far too trusting and accepting of everything and blames my daughter for "encouraging" her son to be trans. As I said, its complicated!

OP posts:

HmmmmBop · 30/10/2016 07:30

For someone who's not bothered that dd's bf is trans, you mention it a lot.

stonecircle · 30/10/2016 07:37

he rightly pointed out in any relationship it would actually be illegal for two 16 year olds to sleep together

No it wouldn't.

I also don't understand what being trans has to do with anything at all.

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