I have broken my daughter's heart

[lilypoppet]

This is a complicated story. Three years ago I was persuaded to move up north from east london and tried to back out. My middle daughter was looking forward to her new school so she persuaded me to try it for three years and then we'd go back. I stuck it out for three years, hated it. She didn't want to move back to London so we all moved back to Sussex where I have family. My daughter loved it where she was, hates her new sixth form. She'd started a relationship with a boy - who is actually trans - in Yorkshire whom she misses desperately. She is committed to two years of sixth form, but wants to go to uni in Yorkshire and be reunited with boyfriend, which I am happy for her to do. Meantime she is broken hearted, what can I do?

I think the trans issue matters because this is clearly a boyfriend who has a lot of emotional issues going on now - 16 year olds can be emotionally tricky, throw in one who is transitioning and you've got a child who probably needs a lot of emotional support from their girlfriend, and selfishly I'd want my dcs to be able to focus on their A levels, not a highly emotional relationship.

Being physically removed from the situation may well be the best thing for your dd, at least until she's 18 and have a little more maturity to deal with it.

It's a year before she has to apply for uni, a lot can happen in a year (and the boyfriend might find someone else, be prepared for a properly broken heart!)

I think the boyfriend being trans is important to you because it seems to give you that lovely glow of being understanding. You mentions his mother struggling more that you, well of course she would, I don't see why you are bringing this up at all.

I think you are making your daughter's relationship about you and you need to step away for a bit. Support her, of course, but ultimately it's her relationship.

Sorry I meant 15 years old regarding the illegal thing. Dinosaur Roar is absolutely spot on. My dd s boyfriend does have a lot of issues to work through and I do feel this two year gap will give them both a lot of space. I do find it odd the way people think you 'must not mention' that bf is trans as if not speaking if things will instantly make it fine with Society. Sadly the world in which we live isn't built like that. Hence the sex of a child becomes an issue before it is even born with people regarding hospital scans as a way of finding out the sex rather than checking baby us healthy. With all thT going on from when you are a mere dot, it is impossible to pretend it's all fine and dandy if you decide to change sex. People need to get real.

Ignoring the trans thing atm, I think your role as the parent should be to help all your dd's to build resilience and get into the habit of thinking of themselves as grown-ups.

Not terribly impressed by your eldest dd not visiting you for years because she thought Yorkshire was "too cold". Is this code for some serious rift between you two, or had she actually grown up into the kind of young person who thinks her comfort trumps all other considerations? Was it ever pointed out to her how bad this whimpishness looks in an adult?

As for your middle dd, I think it is perfectly ok to recognise that she is heartbroken. But heartbreak happens to us in life, and even more often difficult situations that you have to work through happen. Point out that she can keep in touch with her boyfriend if this is what they both want, point out that working hard on her exams gives her the absolutely best chance of meeting up with him again.

I think people picked up on the trans comment because it seemed irrelevant . There was no explanation that you were worried about the relationship because of issues her boyfriend might be having due to being trans. Makes more sense now you've explained it.