SAHM with no money

[Nutsaboutmykids]

Hi. Im at my witts end that I could cry/explode. My husband works full time and Im an out of work health care professional bringing up our 3 girls. I dont get a penny off him. If I ask for foundation etc he takes me out to buy it. If i ask for money, he wants to know what its for and how much the said item will cost. If we get a takeaway, he asks for the change when I come away from the door. It confuses me, i know he'll buy me what i need but i dont want him taking me out yo get it like he's my dad. Its went on for years. The tc and cb go into his account, my carers allowance for my gran goes into my pist office account but he has the card. Its actually depressing me now, the arguments over money is horrendous. I would leave him but I dont have a penny to my name and no where to stay. Ive got £1.20 in my purse in 20ps.
Xx

It's gone on for years? Goodness, that's awful! What if you nip out for a pint of milk and realise you need washing up liquid and eggs, do you need to go back and ask for more money? That's unbelievable.

DH has his own account. At the start of each year he puts a lump sum into the joint account that I use. I take from it monthly (or as often as I need).

He never questions what I buy or how I spend the money. If I go to soft play and buy DS a scooter or if I buy a dress or shoes. Shop from Asda or Markies. Because he trusts me and because he isn't a controlling douchebag.

We do talk about money regularly and if I've spent loads, he'll tell me that he's noticed and do I have enough, do I need to reel it in a bit? But honestly, we had discussions like that when we were 50/50 with joint incomes so nothing's changed because I'm a SAHM.

I'm not sure what to suggest, you said you've argued over money before? couldn't he give you an amount at the start of the year/month/week and trust you to spend it accordingly, you're a grown woman!

So get the post office card back and ensure it is in your name only. Hide it from him and make sure all online account passwords in your name are safely hidden so that he has no access to them. Can you contact the right people to transfer the CB and TC into an account that is solely in your name, OP? And thirdly, can you get a job, even if it were just supermarket work a few evenings a week to get a little money behind you while he watches the DC's?

You're being financially abused, you know that, right?

Bloody hell this is serious financial abuse!!!

This is insane! I'm a sahm we have a joint account, everything goes in there we both have full access. DH never questions anything I buy. You are being controlled by this dick head. How is the rest of the relationship? This needs to stop OP, surely you know that.

I know im being controlled and its awful. If he gives me say £20 for the shop - he'll ask for the change. I am actually a registered midwife in Glasgow, a couple of jobs are advertised. I keep looking them up - even covering sick time or something. I need to build my confidence as ive none atall. I applied for a job in tescos and he wasnt happy. I feel I cant rock the boat with arguing. If we split, I have literally nothing. Hes told me before that if we split - i get a couple things from the house as hes bought it all. I dont drive and have no money for bus/train fair if i wanted to take the 3 girls out. Thanks for the replys. Its the first ive spoken about it

Your husband is abusing you. I am a sahm and I have access to my partner's wages all the time. We have a joint account and he has never ever asked how much I spent.

How about family? could they help you?

This is appalling. I can honestly say I've never heard anything like it. He is treating you as if you are 3 years old! Your girls must be suffering too and it's an awful model for them.

I've been a SAHM for years, also to 3 children. All money DH earns goes into accounts in both our names and he has never questioned me in over 12 years about my spending patterns.

It's not even about income levels - it's about basic respect and trust.

If you're married you will be entitled to half of everything if you split. Your DH clearly has SERIOUS issues. Not sure how you've survived like this for so long. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Is he controlling in other areas too?

You need to get some real life help about this, if you are married and a sahm you have some rights. Can you speak to woman's aid or a solicitor and find out what you're entitled to? Have you friends / family? If you split and you have custody he'll need to pay child support. He's a total arse. I hope you can find a way out of this.

Very controlling. Not allowed on nights out. So people think im a weirdo when they organise things and i dont go. Think folk gave up on me. Its not me. He wouldnt alliw me to go. Even like decorating the house - i get no say. If i do go out and tell him im getting a bus with the girls, hes not happy. Asks me why i dont wont him to take me. I cant breath, 15 years of it. Thankyou for kind comments. Im so jealous reading how other people are in good relationships. If i dont want sex because im so tired - he wont speak for a few days because hes in a mood. Really mentally struggling with it all. He even goes in moods for days for no reason. If hes drunk he kicks off calls me all the names under the sun. Has been violent a few times with pushing and shoving. I cant do it anymore honestly. No strength left

His behaviour is actually against the law , please seek urgent help.

Do you have any family or friends you can speak to OP? I'd be worried about threatening to leave if you have no money and no way of getting out for a few days. Hope you are OK.

Get yourself a job. Right now.

If you could get a midwife role you wouldn't need money from him, you could support yourself and your girls along with tax credits and child support.

This is not a good model for your girls if what a relationship should be like.

Don't wait to build your confidence. Getting a job will give you the confidence you need.

Who can you talk to about this in RL?

This is awful, love. Poor you. He sounds horrendous.

I've been where you are. I had a well off husband but no access to my own money. I used to steal 20ps from his wallet and save them up so I could afford to buy tampons. He was a dreadful way to live. So demeaning. I felt worthless. He was also violent but somehow it was the financial abuse that was worse.

Three years ago I left. I had small children (1 and 3 at the time) and one day I'd just had enough. I packed up the car with their toys and clothes, important paperwork and a few essentials for me and I drove to my mum's. I had my car and and £30 in the bank. I never came back.

It's been bloody hard but I don't regret it. I was on benefits for a while until I got back on my feet and found the confidence to start applying for jobs. But now I have a job I enjoy, my DCs are settled at school and we live in a nice rented house close to my family. Life is a million times better. Yours can be too.

Could you request a new post office card and say old one is lost. Then slip it out of the post when it arrives?

It sounds as though he is abusing you. It's not right for him to make you dependant on him in this way :(

This really is financial abuse.id say you need to get out, this isn't something that anyone should have to put up with long term and it can't be what you want your kids to grow up thinking is normal.

I know very little about it but maybe women's aid would be a place to get help? Perhaps when they take you seriously it will help you believe that he really is abusing you.

I'm not working at the moment, gave up work to move with my husband for his work. I am now pregnant so am not looking for a job, I will be a sahm which is what will work for us. So all my money comes from him, he has never once questioned a penny I have spent. I don't waste money, neither does he but we are a married couple it is our money not just his and as such I have as much of a right to it as him. It wouldn't occur to his to control me like that.

You are being financially abused.
Please ring women's aid they might be able to point you in the direction of some legal advice.
There are some other things you can do too without him knowing.
Report the po card as lost and when the new one comes take it and hide it. He won't know the one he has is cancelled.
Get the children's passports birth certificates copy anything on savings bank accounts his salary etc. Put in a safe place or ask a friend to keep them safe for you.
He can say whatever he likes but he's not the King of divorce law. If you spilt you would get AT LEAST 50/50 of the house savings etc and probably more if you're primary care giver for the DC.
Open a bank account on your name and when the time is right transfer the CB payments in there.

Thankyou all so much for your positive comments. Ive not really got any family as such. He made sure i have no friends left. So noone i trust to speak too. I really wish I could go. Thats what I do - save change - 20ps or 5ps anything i can get my hands on. Actually feel numb now. No feelings towards him, no hate or love. Hes dragged me down so much. I wake up in the morning and dont want to get up. My girls is what i live for. If it werent for them - i would of walked out years and amd slept on the street. I dont drive, nothing good in this life aparts from the kids. I hate speaking like this, hate feeling like a victim or feeling so pathetic to what ive became xx

You are far from pathetic. Don't ever think that about yourself.

The extent of his abuse is now clear to see. You need out. He is sucking the life from you. I agree with others - can you get a job? There are organisations that can help you leave and set up with your girls.

Sorry my last post is a bit jumbled. it was trying to be supportive but I'm a bit sleep deprived so when I read it again, it didn't sound right, sorry.

OP, he's robbed you of independence and self esteem so he can control you. You are worth so much more, you deserve so much more.

Love. Leave. Call women's aid. You can't live like this. He's stealing of you. He's abusing you.

I'm not too far from you, OP. I'm trying to wrack my brain for more names or points of contact for you in the area

So far:

Women's Aid Glasgow website.

Police Scotland website.

Women's Support Project directory. Lots of helpful and hopefully useful contact numbers in there to get you started, OP. Most of these seem to be within Glasgow/Scotland.

Assist website.

Shelter Scotland website.

Drumchapel Women's Aid serves the whole of Glasgow - Tel: 0141 944 0201.

Hemat Gryffe Women's Aid says it's predominantly Glasgow based - Tel: 0141 353 0859

You and your girls need to get away from this man, OP. He's not a good egg.

would you consider going to the police?

My goodness me. I'm utterly saddened by your post. Those aren't even the right words. This "Man" has sucked the life out of you. He does not respect you at all!

Are your children at school, OP? I wonder whether there might even be someone at school you can speak to. Or someone at the local children's centre who can at least offer a listening ear.

With regards to your friends, is there anyone from your past that you may still be able to get in touch with? Personally, I wouldn't care how long it had been, if an old friend I'd lost touch with was in trouble and needed help/support I would want to know!

I would echo what the others have said about PO card, CB and CT. Do you have personal ID? Is he out of the house during the day? Please, please, for the sake of your children start taking the steps you need toward a better life. Keep posting on here for support. Feel free to PM me at any point.

Big hugs

This is abuse, and you can't let it go on op. It's just going to keep you down until you have less and less strength to stand up to him. Try and find a job - once you've got one, with a tax credits top up and child benefit, you'll be able to support you and your children.

Speaking of children, how old are your girls? Do they understand what's going on? They don't deserve to grow up with an abusive father - please don't let them.

Definitely report your post office card as lost so you can get a new one to hide from him. If you're at home, you should be able to pick it out of the mail. As for the others, are you able to get them changed to your account?

Call women's aid - they're incredible. They'll offer good advice on what to do. Also, if you dh ever gets violent again - verbally or physically - phone the police, non emergency if you must. You'll need to have a track of situations to help you get full custody of the children. Are your parents around? Can you ask them for help?

Stay strong op. You deserve better. It may take a while, but you need to leave the abusive bastard so you can live without constantly being scared of his reactions. We're with you and my inbox is always open.

www.glasgowwomensaid.org.uk/useful-contacts.html

The Glasgow women's aid website have a page of useful contacts. It's also a generally helpful website, giving you advice on how to prepare, and how to cover your tracks. Make sure you're using mumsnet or any other website to do with your situation on a private browser, so it doesn't leave a trace on your computer, and delete calls from your mobile.