Husband retired and in my way

[Thevegetarianchef]

So my dh is older and I knew he would retire first obviously.Im not jealous in fact I think I would find it difficult as I get bored v easily and need the structure of work.
He hasn't been retired long and he has let me come in to a clean home.
I appreciate this and know adjustment takes time.
However he just is there at all times.He doesn't know anyone else who retired and will pick up golf occasionally.
I need free alone time as a neurodivergent person.I also work full time and exercise daily.
I have explained to him but it doesn't seem to sink in.
Free time to potter.Get odd bits done.Be alone with my thoughts.
Cook with some lovely music on.
I understand that this is new to him too.
Anyone else relate to this what works for you.
Years ago I used to go out on my days off but I no longer drive.

That advice is hardly positive ..

Be grateful you have him. I hope you don't ever have to wish that he was still there getting under your feet

Thank you for all the points of view.So so about your husband's dementia juniperkeats.
My parents both had advanced cancer at the same time so I know life can be so very hard.
I've been looking into desperate places.it may come to that.
We are opposite people and after 38 years living together we don't have much in common.
I wonder what would happen if one of us got seriously I'll.

surely you knew what you expect with him.

Sounds like two very busy people who have been too busy to think about their relationship and now the carousel has stopped for one of you and bringing things to the fore.
Maybe you want to be on your own? Did you discuss what retirement would mean for him? It does need some planning. If it hasn’t been long maybe he’s working things out for himself.
Do you ever actually enjoy each other’s company? Bit worrying about the short temper. What does that look like in daily life? Does he take frustration out on you?

If you like the structure of work so much and begrudge him his time at home, work longer hours. Win win. He can enjoy his retirement and you can enjoy your work. You are being selfish not to let him gently get used to retirement.

Encourage him to take up bowls. DH retired and discovered the bowls team in the next town. It’s busy, full of mostly men of all ages and abilities. He also volunteers to help keep the green in good shape. Summer league has just finished so they’re starting indoor bowls next.

It’s been a saviour for DH. He’s built a community of friends- young and old - and he’s constantly on the team WhatsApp group when he’s home. They also go on tour so takes weekends away every year.

Thats gonna be a thorn in your side to deal with. Dont know how you to make him rack his noggle for ideas with pastimes

100% get you @Thevegetarianchef

Mine is there ALL the time
No friends and follows me around
He has family but hasnt bothered to stay in touch
Not only that he is PA and nasty if I try to carve out time for myself I feel like Im going mad sometimes

All those doing the poor bloke thing
Do you have any idea what its like, your every waking moment being followed around, interrupted, men reverting to this learned helplessness behaviour
Interesting , mine had to be told to shower and change his clothes also, it was awful
I think they thrive on external validation and get that from work, once its gone then they look to us solely for everything
We got on fine, happy for years
Im probably going to divorce
Its unbearable

Perhaps do things together to put him on the right track - go for walks to explore local churches / see Roman remains /bitdwatch/ fishing??
there will definitely be be ramblers locally
cycling? Local football team? Model clubs? Antique fairs? Men’s shed?
U3A university of the 3rd age will have lots going on
to add cooking classes ,foreign language classes
to add my 78 yr old old DH moans about having too much on
to add we do our own thing do t chat alot but there’s someone to have lunch and dinner with - and if one should be ill the others there to support them

You've essentially plodded along nicely all these years, because you didn't actually see or spend much time together! Now your husband has retired, and is at home, you're realising that, actually, you don't want to spend time with him! You had quite a lot of 'alone' time in the house, where you could do your thing and potter around.

Perhaps having your husband home, has now emphasised how little you do have in common? Your post reads as if you don't particularly like your husband very much, and being being home, means you're barely tolerating him.

I think you need to have a long think about what you want for the future. There will come a time when you fully retire, and you'll be at home much more too. If you can't see yourself wanting to spend time with your husband, then would you be better to divorce? Or you agree to live completely separate lives, rather than divorce?

I don’t know what to say OP .
Other than , you guys seemed to have spent more time apart than together all your married life .
You working 60 hr weeks , you gone all weekend, him at home .
You gone Christmas , Easter , all the holidays.
Here you are now with a man you clearly don’t want to be around 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well yes he’s going to be there in his home. You can’t really demand he fucks off so you can potter alone. Can you get up earlier?

I don’t really understand what benefits he brings to your life? You don’t sound like you like each other very much either. If it’s practical financially have you considered leaving and splitting everything in two? Then you can have all the time you want on your own.

I think it would help to elaborate on why you can't still potter around alone, what would happen if you just got on with something? Would he hang around, try and join in, interrupt, would he complain?

My DH and I work opposite shifts but no where near retirement age, I feel suffocated sometimes at the weekends when we are together all the time, so totally get it, if you are used to your own space/time it is hard to adjust, I am usually able to go off into a space in the house and just get on with things, I could watch TV in the bedroom if he was watching downstairs etc, we both seem to understand that we need alone time so it works out okay.

One of my family members however is in your shoes, she works full time, and her older DP has retired and he is always just THERE, no hobbies, no interests, no friends, he can't wait for her to get home from work, she is his emotional support animal but if she ever says she needs alone time for herself, he looks hurt at the thought, so she never forces it.. I find it so odd that he just doesn't care what she needs, it's selfish to be honest.