I know what I have to do. But how?

[troubledmum]

I need to get out of here. I've known that for over a year (but never been so sure as I am now) but things just keep cropping up to stop me.

My dh is horrible. He's a nasty piece of work and has made my (and our children's) life a misery in the past four years. He's been "good" since October last year, which means he hasn't hit me since then but the threats are still there, and the nastiness. I am so embarrassed about the way he speaks to me when we're in public... we've been to marriage counselling which has only made me realise how awful he is and I can't sleep at night because it disgusts me that I have to lie next to him.

The main reason I've not left (seriously left, I've spent the odd few days here and there for a breather) is because of money. He controls all our money, I have to ask him if I want £1 for the bus-fare!! And because he gets me into trouble when I try - last year I reported him to the police for assaulting me, and tried to get me and my children out of there. He responded by telling the police I had hit my eldest child (I swear this is not true), they believed him at first and arrested me, though my ds (age 4) told them it wasn't true and my kids went into care... then he registered my bank details with ebay and conned loads of people (I've managed to pay everyone back now but still been arrested and charged for it!!).

I honestly thought up until now that SS believed what he said and if I left him, the kids would end up with him, which I couldn't let happen (I know that sounds completely stupid but that's what I'm worried about) but just read their core assessment and it says I display no signs of abusive/challenging behaviour at all (though he does). They are only concerned bout the domestic violence, and that I am "powerless in my relationship".

I know I need to get out ASAP and have been trying to sort out money (just got a £500 limit cc and applied for a student bank with £1250 limit (hopefully)) but know I need to act quickly as when I have money he always realises he desperately needs something expensive, and he knows about these because he opens all my post.

But where do I go? I should be able to get a house sorted, but how would I get stuff there? I know it's not important, it's just material stuff but the kids beds and clothes and toys, and basics like pans or anything, cost a fortune. I can't drive.

I couldn't risk him finding me so wouldn't be able to tell any of my friends and probably not even my family at first...

Sorry if this is too long!!

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good luck troubled mum i really hop life is kinder to you soon

Dv does funny thinggs to people, you are doing the best you can and that doesnt mean you are a bad mother, prhaps it is only now that you are strong enough to to do it completely. Dont worry about everything at once, take it a step at a time. Contact can be sorted out later. My sil used to drop dn at a family centre to avoud her xp, he soon got fed up and stopped going. People at the refuge and your sw will be able to help you with these decisions. Stay strong and when youre ready go and worry about everything else when you get there.

Good for you for leaving. You are doing the right thing. I'm sure women's aid will be helpful.

Thanks for all your help, I'm even more determined now. Police woke me up this morning, looking for him. I opened the door and said "am I getting arrested?" like it was the most natural thing in the world. The pc said "no, we're after him" (I know both pcs isn't that sad?). He wasn't here, he's gone fishing. I told them where to find him. They asked me if he would go mad if they knew I'd told them, I told them I didn't care and I was leaving asap anyway (I'd just woken up - I will have to be a bit more careful who I blurt that out to). One of them asked if I was ok and said if I had no-one to tell about it, to ring up the station and ask for him.

Anyway, I think he might do a runner after this!

are you going to leave whilst he is out fishing? where are you going to go? I would tell your social worker aswell, if they know what he is likle they will support you in leaving and hopefully put you in a safe house

good luck x

why were the police after him btw/ and why did you think they had come for you!

I left last October and he told SS and police that I hit ds1, age 4. This is not true and even the police didn't believe it but they arrested me anyway and I was realeased without charge. I left for about three weeks but he knew where I was and while I left he conned money out of people through ebay using my name and bank details (though he had my cashcard and I was at a different address). I knew nothing about this until I got arrested in January for deception (we'd been back living together for 2m by then!) so I insisted everyone be reimbursed and then got charged and am now going to court for it.

I can't leave while he's fishing because I'm waiting for a bank card to arrive and my parents are coming down this week to see the kids with us. Plus I'm at court on Friday and he knows this and will turn up there if I left before

You have to plan this carefully. The police know he is violent and abusive right? So you need to start squirelling away important documents like the childrens' birth certificates, medical cards, passports, bank details etc. Can you start to separate your personal details? i.e. inform the bank that you no longer want to be signatory on your joint account and so on? Clear the history on your pc too so he doesn't read this. And then take your children and get as far away as you can as soon as you can.

The only thing I would wait for is the Bank card. Make your excuses to Mum if your not ready to tell her, and as for court just turn up on time and disappear after, ask social worker to come with you if need be.

But take one thing at a time there will always be something stopping you or holding you up. You know you need to do this and it must seem an impossible task but you will get through this. If you go to a refuge you will get support there and perhaps an escort to court. They can arrange to pick you up and will take as much as can fit tin the car. As someone else said stop worrying about the ifs, buts and maybes, you can worry about that later.

Big hugs and go for it .

Thanks! I am going to wait for bank card, tell SW tomorrow and probation officer on Weds, then tell my mum when I see her on Thurs/Fri. I'll tell my parents not to mention it to dh... and try and get something sorted by the weekend or next week at the latest. Once I tell SW I know I can't wait too long, and I need to tell her asap 'cause we're having a meeting tomorrow to discuss the parenting assessment and I don't want to waste her time by pretending me and dh will be staying together.

Just a quick update - saw my sw today and rather than give me a lecture about leaving this so long and doing what I should have done ages ago, which I was sure would happen and had prepared myself for, she was over the moon. I could tell she was genuinely pleased and talked about re-doing the parenting assessment with just me and the kids coming home to me!! I am so relieved, I honestly thought she might tell me he'd have a chance at getting them but she was horrified when I asked her and told me he probably won't even be given contact!!

Ok, packed some stuff - a few clothes, drawings the kids have done, a few photos, a towel, some documents - anything I've forgotten? Would love to be able to take all my books but won't be able to carry them. Told my SW, parents and probation officer and will tell my solicitor today. Just need to find somewhere to go now...

Had a thought, if I could use my cc to rent a room, redirect post and wait here until post has stopped coming here and started going to new address, would that work? I could maybe take little bits that won't be missed each day, and could let people know new address so things can start being organised - i.e. contact can be re-arranged so I don't bump into him.

women's aid list of refuges you can click on your area and call them direct, TM and they can give you expert advice on all this.

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Thanks for the help and the link, I've looked under my area and found phone numbers for around here... just another quick q (sorry to be a pain), can I get my post redirected to a refuge? Do they allow post there?

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Ok thanks, well I'm going to ring some of them now.

I am so glad that you are going ahead with this and that you had a positive response from your social worker. Take care x x x.

Just a thought that might help...you should be able to ask your bank to send the card to your local branch so that you can collect it in person rather than waiting for it to arrive in the post. Good luck.