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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I know what I have to do. But how?

44 replies

troubledmum · 05/08/2005 14:51

I need to get out of here. I've known that for over a year (but never been so sure as I am now) but things just keep cropping up to stop me.

My dh is horrible. He's a nasty piece of work and has made my (and our children's) life a misery in the past four years. He's been "good" since October last year, which means he hasn't hit me since then but the threats are still there, and the nastiness. I am so embarrassed about the way he speaks to me when we're in public... we've been to marriage counselling which has only made me realise how awful he is and I can't sleep at night because it disgusts me that I have to lie next to him.

The main reason I've not left (seriously left, I've spent the odd few days here and there for a breather) is because of money. He controls all our money, I have to ask him if I want £1 for the bus-fare!! And because he gets me into trouble when I try - last year I reported him to the police for assaulting me, and tried to get me and my children out of there. He responded by telling the police I had hit my eldest child (I swear this is not true), they believed him at first and arrested me, though my ds (age 4) told them it wasn't true and my kids went into care... then he registered my bank details with ebay and conned loads of people (I've managed to pay everyone back now but still been arrested and charged for it!!).

I honestly thought up until now that SS believed what he said and if I left him, the kids would end up with him, which I couldn't let happen (I know that sounds completely stupid but that's what I'm worried about) but just read their core assessment and it says I display no signs of abusive/challenging behaviour at all (though he does). They are only concerned bout the domestic violence, and that I am "powerless in my relationship".

I know I need to get out ASAP and have been trying to sort out money (just got a £500 limit cc and applied for a student bank with £1250 limit (hopefully)) but know I need to act quickly as when I have money he always realises he desperately needs something expensive, and he knows about these because he opens all my post.

But where do I go? I should be able to get a house sorted, but how would I get stuff there? I know it's not important, it's just material stuff but the kids beds and clothes and toys, and basics like pans or anything, cost a fortune. I can't drive.

I couldn't risk him finding me so wouldn't be able to tell any of my friends and probably not even my family at first...

Sorry if this is too long!!

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dudleycat · 12/08/2005 08:14

Just a thought that might help...you should be able to ask your bank to send the card to your local branch so that you can collect it in person rather than waiting for it to arrive in the post. Good luck.

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Distel · 11/08/2005 15:09

I am so glad that you are going ahead with this and that you had a positive response from your social worker. Take care x x x.

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troubledmum · 11/08/2005 15:06

Ok thanks, well I'm going to ring some of them now.

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rickman · 11/08/2005 14:51

Message withdrawn

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troubledmum · 11/08/2005 14:46

Thanks for the help and the link, I've looked under my area and found phone numbers for around here... just another quick q (sorry to be a pain), can I get my post redirected to a refuge? Do they allow post there?

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rickman · 11/08/2005 14:38

Message withdrawn

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Caligula · 11/08/2005 14:35

women's aid list of refuges you can click on your area and call them direct, TM and they can give you expert advice on all this.

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troubledmum · 11/08/2005 14:15

Ok, packed some stuff - a few clothes, drawings the kids have done, a few photos, a towel, some documents - anything I've forgotten? Would love to be able to take all my books but won't be able to carry them. Told my SW, parents and probation officer and will tell my solicitor today. Just need to find somewhere to go now...

Had a thought, if I could use my cc to rent a room, redirect post and wait here until post has stopped coming here and started going to new address, would that work? I could maybe take little bits that won't be missed each day, and could let people know new address so things can start being organised - i.e. contact can be re-arranged so I don't bump into him.

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troubledmum · 09/08/2005 22:27

Just a quick update - saw my sw today and rather than give me a lecture about leaving this so long and doing what I should have done ages ago, which I was sure would happen and had prepared myself for, she was over the moon. I could tell she was genuinely pleased and talked about re-doing the parenting assessment with just me and the kids coming home to me!! I am so relieved, I honestly thought she might tell me he'd have a chance at getting them but she was horrified when I asked her and told me he probably won't even be given contact!!

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troubledmum · 08/08/2005 17:52

Thanks! I am going to wait for bank card, tell SW tomorrow and probation officer on Weds, then tell my mum when I see her on Thurs/Fri. I'll tell my parents not to mention it to dh... and try and get something sorted by the weekend or next week at the latest. Once I tell SW I know I can't wait too long, and I need to tell her asap 'cause we're having a meeting tomorrow to discuss the parenting assessment and I don't want to waste her time by pretending me and dh will be staying together.

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Skribble · 08/08/2005 00:30

The only thing I would wait for is the Bank card. Make your excuses to Mum if your not ready to tell her, and as for court just turn up on time and disappear after, ask social worker to come with you if need be.

But take one thing at a time there will always be something stopping you or holding you up. You know you need to do this and it must seem an impossible task but you will get through this. If you go to a refuge you will get support there and perhaps an escort to court. They can arrange to pick you up and will take as much as can fit tin the car. As someone else said stop worrying about the ifs, buts and maybes, you can worry about that later.

Big hugs and go for it .

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WideWebWitch · 06/08/2005 12:24

You have to plan this carefully. The police know he is violent and abusive right? So you need to start squirelling away important documents like the childrens' birth certificates, medical cards, passports, bank details etc. Can you start to separate your personal details? i.e. inform the bank that you no longer want to be signatory on your joint account and so on? Clear the history on your pc too so he doesn't read this. And then take your children and get as far away as you can as soon as you can.

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troubledmum · 06/08/2005 12:18

I left last October and he told SS and police that I hit ds1, age 4. This is not true and even the police didn't believe it but they arrested me anyway and I was realeased without charge. I left for about three weeks but he knew where I was and while I left he conned money out of people through ebay using my name and bank details (though he had my cashcard and I was at a different address). I knew nothing about this until I got arrested in January for deception (we'd been back living together for 2m by then!) so I insisted everyone be reimbursed and then got charged and am now going to court for it.

I can't leave while he's fishing because I'm waiting for a bank card to arrive and my parents are coming down this week to see the kids with us. Plus I'm at court on Friday and he knows this and will turn up there if I left before

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Fio2 · 06/08/2005 12:05

are you going to leave whilst he is out fishing? where are you going to go? I would tell your social worker aswell, if they know what he is likle they will support you in leaving and hopefully put you in a safe house

good luck x

why were the police after him btw/ and why did you think they had come for you!

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troubledmum · 06/08/2005 11:58

Thanks for all your help, I'm even more determined now. Police woke me up this morning, looking for him. I opened the door and said "am I getting arrested?" like it was the most natural thing in the world. The pc said "no, we're after him" (I know both pcs isn't that sad?). He wasn't here, he's gone fishing. I told them where to find him. They asked me if he would go mad if they knew I'd told them, I told them I didn't care and I was leaving asap anyway (I'd just woken up - I will have to be a bit more careful who I blurt that out to). One of them asked if I was ok and said if I had no-one to tell about it, to ring up the station and ask for him.

Anyway, I think he might do a runner after this!

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WideWebWitch · 06/08/2005 11:11

Good for you for leaving. You are doing the right thing. I'm sure women's aid will be helpful.

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lucy5 · 06/08/2005 11:06

Dv does funny thinggs to people, you are doing the best you can and that doesnt mean you are a bad mother, prhaps it is only now that you are strong enough to to do it completely. Dont worry about everything at once, take it a step at a time. Contact can be sorted out later. My sil used to drop dn at a family centre to avoud her xp, he soon got fed up and stopped going. People at the refuge and your sw will be able to help you with these decisions. Stay strong and when youre ready go and worry about everything else when you get there.

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blossomgirl · 06/08/2005 00:13

good luck troubled mum i really hop life is kinder to you soon

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rickman · 05/08/2005 23:56

Message withdrawn

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lovecloud · 05/08/2005 23:52

Everyone will see you leaving as a strong protective mother and woman.

Even if you dont feel confidence inside tell yourself you are.

There is not other option but to get out.

You can and you will do it.

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troubledmum · 05/08/2005 23:39

Thanks for all the advice. I know I'm coming across as being really confident about this - and I am in a way, but I'm also terrified of him. He knows when I'm at court etc, and then there's contact. He will see me there... do you think if I spoke to my SW she will know what to do about avoiding him and still seeing my children? Will she see me leaving as not being able to provide the kids stability? (I'm going to leave anyway whatever the answer to that, I just want to know what to expect)

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lovecloud · 05/08/2005 23:28

The offer will still be open, people will expect you to say things are ok when they are not really, you say they got better for awhile but not hitting you does not make it better, the terror is still there and other forms of abuse, you have probably almost got used to it a bit.
You sound strong and know what you are doing and i really think you will fine!
Just go for it!

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troubledmum · 05/08/2005 23:27

Thanks for all the encouragement, but I am NOT a good mother, I'm a terrible mother, my kids have been in care for 9m because of this DV and I should have left then, or before. I know I'm doing the right thing, but it's a case of "too little, too late". Apart from the fear of it not going to plan I am overjoyed that I've finally found the courage to do it though, and I know I'll find a way somehow.

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lucy5 · 05/08/2005 23:24

the offer will always be open, relationships are complicated. Only you know your situation but if you ever feel you need to get out quickly you can.

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Skribble · 05/08/2005 23:23

My freind was in exactlly the same situation,

She went to as many places as possible to get advice and to see what options she had.

She had similar money problems and her wages from 2 jobs were going into joint account, so he spent it all on booze and got them deeper and deeper into debt.

She managed to get the police onside and they sent a social worker round to tell him that he had to leave for sake of kids. Didn't work at first though.

She was offered a place in a refuge or B&B but as her kids have a dog and other pets it didn't seem like an option.

Her bank was very helpful and she got an appointment to sort out seperating account, he found out and went as well she felt so intimidated, but worked out a deal where he would leave if she took on his debt .

The bank have advised her now to go to citizens advise to get rid of his debt as its all in his name.

First thing is to get all important documents and personnal bills etc to sisters. transfer things like child benefit to a new private account. Change address for accounts and student loan to sisters. will stop you missing letters if/ when you leave. Pack a small bag with a few bits every time you go out and drop at sisters.

Have a look at what options there are for storage, the womans refuge may have ideas, self storage facilities can be quite pricey. A lot of local farms round us do storage for anything from caravans to a couple of boxes and don't charge much. You might have to get freindly with someone for this.

If you can get every thing ready you could get a freind to borrow/ hire a vehicle and just do it in one day. But it takes a lot of planning if this is the way you have to do it. Start to build up an emergency fund, even if its only a few pounds in a jam jar at you sisters.

Don't wait go ahead with geting rehoused, someone will help on the day.

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