Just followed a link from another thread to a site on the 'cycle of abuse'. And I feel as if the breath's been knocked out of me.
Our relationship, almost 20 yrs now, is pretty fucked up, but reading that I fear it's worse than I thought, and that I'm actually abusing him. Or is it the other way round. I just don't know.
There's no violence, but lots of shouting. No name calling as such, but I do scream and shout about how little he does around the house, when's he going to get a job - been out of works since Sept - when's he going to deal with his 'depression'. And he shouts back that I don't understand, he's anxious, he's trying. He's doing more than he was, etc.
But what really hit me on the abuse site, was how withdrawing emotional/physical support is construed as abuse. That and money. We don't hug, kiss, or hold hands nothing - why should he expect sex? He frequently says thinks would be so much better if I were more 'emotionally' supportive. He would do the hugging etc and I'm the one who pulls away or freezes. And I know it's because I don't think he 'deserves' it, is that what they mean by withholding?
And the money stuff. He's not earning, screwed up benefits by 'forgetting' to send in the necessary paperwork, will only look for jobs he thinks 'worthy' of him and still thinks he deserves his 'treats' like a couple of beers a night, his proper coffee etc. So now I give him allowance, ie I leave money in one account he can get to, but have another which only I can access, so if 'his' runs out he has to ask for more. Not because I don't want him to have those things, but because we barely limp from month to month and without my credit card, he has no creditworthiness, we'd be stuffed. Is that 'abusive'?
And all of this follows the cycle, blow-up, honeymoon, calm, tension, blow-up.
Some of you may remember previous posts about an almost-OM, a situation I'm not proud of, but don't have the strength to bring to an end because of all of the above. He's the only bit of my life I take any pleasure atm, and bizarrely probably helping stay with H, because he makes life bearable.
So am I abusing H? Or, as I have convinced myself, my reactions are understandable given his behaviour. But isn't that all abusers say?
Sorry it's so long