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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My past is coming back to haunt me, my ex's wife is sending me nasty emails! What do I do?!

48 replies

MyExIsACock · 02/10/2009 10:29

Hi, I've namechanged for this, if you rumble me please don't say!

A long time ago in my murky past (waaaay before dh and dc's) I had a one night stand with my ex. It was a stupid thing to do, we were both a bit hammered, had bumped into each other by accident yada yada, I regretted it the next morning and sent him packing and thought no more of it.

Then about 4 months later, I got a text off him saying, "We are pleased to announce the safe arrival of

OP posts:
RealityIsAnAuntie · 02/10/2009 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MyExIsACock · 02/10/2009 10:41

Reality - really? The police? Seems a bit....extreme.

We've had a load of shit off my dh's ex too. But that's cause she's a psycho. Gosh, we really do pick 'em!

OP posts:
RealityIsAnAuntie · 02/10/2009 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Effilump · 02/10/2009 10:51

I agree with reality, save all e-mails and txts, details of any threatening correspondence, and if it continues, report the idiot!

Original poster
MyExIsACock · 02/10/2009 10:52

I've no idea how she found out. Unless she found out from a mutual friend? I was back in my hometown a couple of weeks ago and was talking to someone who was a friend of his - I suppose it's possible that he's dropped Ex in it?

It makes my head hurt. I just feel a bit sorry for her, I suppose, hence not wanting to call police. I dumped him because he was a cheating arsehole, I can't imagine what a nightmare it must be to be married/have kids with him!

Maybe I should email her, and say that I'm sorry and if I'd known he was with her I'd never have gone there, but if she emails me again I'm calling the police?

OP posts:
EldonAve · 02/10/2009 10:55

Report her - the police having a word should sort her out

hambler · 02/10/2009 11:00

I would tell the police now.
Seriously.
She is threatening your personal safety.
THe police will go round and have a word.

mummee09v · 02/10/2009 11:00

he sounds a lovely chap i must say!!!

i feel sad for his new wife, having kids with him when he is a cheating liar!!!

but at the same time she shouldn't be blaming you, i think you should email her first and say you didn't know he was with her (or anyone) and yeah, tell her if she threatens you again you will go to the police.

Babieseverywhere · 02/10/2009 11:02

If you feel the need to contact her, I would not say sorry, just repeat the facts. i.e. what you wrote in your OP. You knew nothing of her existence, it is her husbands issue not yours.

JodieO · 02/10/2009 11:03

I'd email and explain first. I'd put money on him blaming it all on you hence her emailing you. He probably told her a pack of lies to get himself off the hook. If she carried on, then I'd inform the police.

FabBakerGirlIsSURVIVED · 02/10/2009 11:15

A cold and polite email along the lines of this is harrassment and making threats will mean you will go to the police. Don't say anything personal -ie about the one night stand.

You did nothing wrong.

dollius · 02/10/2009 11:16

I think you should write this:

I am very sorry for what you are going through. When this happened, I had no idea that X was married, let alone that his wife was pregnant. When I found out five months later, I was completely horrified. I deleted his number from his phone and blocked him from Facebook. I do not want anything to do with him and this would never have happened if I had known about you and the baby.
I woud prefer if you would both leave me alone.

The, if she contacts you again with abuse, go to the police. Keep all emails.

SqueezyCheese · 02/10/2009 11:16

Oh what a shit situation.

Tempting though it is to email her and put the record straight - he has probably already laid the blame firmly at your door and as she sees you as the evil husband stealer, it is unlikely that she will believe you. Possibly if she was being at all reasonable, I'd tell her the exact story if she asked.....and maybe she would respond a comment to that effect? ie, "look, if you want to ask me anything about this, then fine, I can answer you but whilst you threaten me I will not respond at all and may in fact be tempted to call the Police. The ball is in your court, this is your business, not mine". Calm indifference is what is needed, do not go to her level, although yes it is understandable that she is way pissed off about this. Not your problem though.

The typical response of some women to 100% blame the OW is so lame. It was her DH who cheated, not you, regardless of whether you knew about his wife or not. If he was faithful, he'd never have done it, end of.

dollius · 02/10/2009 11:16

from MY phone, obviously!

fishie · 02/10/2009 11:18

ignore it. if she carries on then go to police. no point in replying, what will it achieve?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 02/10/2009 11:19

Yes, I think it would be worth standing back and put yourself in her shoes for a moment. Her world has just come crashing down, she is in shock and not thinking straight. This is not your fault of course, but it's hard not to feel some empathy for her. He's probably told her a crock of shite about it being YOU texting him and stalking him via Facebook - and of course he will make out that you always knew he was married.

She might also think it was a bit strange that you hadn't heard on the grapevine that he WAS married and that you must have known. I don't know much about Facebook to be honest, but for you to have blocked him, doesn't that mean you once accepted him as a friend? Sorry if not the case, as I know what that implies.

I certainly wouldn't contact him - but I would perhaps E mail her and tell her how sorry you are for her pain and upset, but that you honestly didn't know his situation and that you'd withdrawn from the situation even before you knew he was married. Of course you need to say that if there are any more threats, you will be informing the police, but that you hope the threats are just understandable shock and that it is because you sympathise with that, you are not alerting them now. And wish her luck.

SqueezyCheese · 02/10/2009 11:23

A very measured and sensible approach from whenwillIfeelnormal

lucykate · 02/10/2009 11:27

i would ignore her. it sounds quite likely she's just found out, your ex has probably blamed it all on you to take the heat off himself. she's very hurt right now, angry etc. stay out of it and leave them to it. but just in case she does take it further keep the evidence.

RealityIsAnAuntie · 02/10/2009 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

groundhogs · 02/10/2009 12:13

OK, change your email, change your number and if any contact comes thru FB, close down the profile you have with the old address, and open a new one, so nothing is tying you to the old profile.

Set your privacy to Friends only and that'll stop her.

Keep everything you have received from her on file, and if she manages to find a way to get to you again, no reply, no warnings nothing, go straight to the police.

they have new stalking laws, and are hot on it at the moment, from what i hear, so ought to take you seriously. If there is something on record, if anything god forbid, ever happened at your address, links can be made and response times may be improved.

If her marriage implodes, she's not going to get any calmer is she?

Look after yourself, you have not, nor did you ever do anything wrong. Glad your DH is being supportive.

abedelia · 02/10/2009 12:14

Keeping quiet just makes it look bad, imho. I'd copy and paste dollius's message! Short, to the point, inviting no reply and laying things firmly with him, her arsehole partner. doubtless she is hurting (possibly because she may have found the messages he sent you), so putting across your point but adding that any more threatening behaviour is not on and will result in something 'legal' is very fair.

idealcamel · 02/10/2009 12:17

Don't email her! Seriously, any communication from your side won't help the situation. However reasonable, measured and sympathetic your email is, it'll just inflame things more.

If she keeps contacting you, definitely time to call the police in on it, but hopefully this will just be one rant, rather than a consistent programme of harassment.

LoveBeingAMummy · 02/10/2009 12:23

If you were her, would anything the ow said make a difference?

I would not reply right now and see if she cotinues. If she did then would ask her to stop or you will contact the police.

abedelia · 02/10/2009 13:00

I'm just a belligerent old cow and if I had been bamboozled into a situation like the OP was, I wouldn't be taking the accusations lying down. Whether the wife wants to listen is her lookout, but I'd really want to put my point over...

zanz1bar · 02/10/2009 13:00

It all happened in the past, leave it there.
Do not reply, but keep the message.

He sounds like a serial adulterer, you do not want to get pulled into his world of lies and deceit

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