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Relationships

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Original poster

Poll of sorts - would you ask your OH to stop being a friend of the opposite sex because you were not happy with it?

48 replies

CuriousPoster · 05/08/2009 21:36

After seeing a lot of these sorts of threads on here, I was curious to find out what most people thought of this.

If your OH was close to a friend of the opposite sex and if you felt uncomfortable with this, what would you do? Would you feel you were in your own rights to ask them to stop speaking to this friend?

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 05/08/2009 21:38

I'm not sure why you'd find it a problem - but if it's because you don't trust him, that's a problem you have with him not that you have with the friend IYSWIM.

I'd deal with that if I were you, insecurity in a relationship will flourish if not dealt with.

megmums · 05/08/2009 21:39

My dh has a very close female friend who i feel uncomfortable about. He works with her. I don't like telling him who he can and can't be friends with, but i have told him i am not happy and he should text her less and consider my feelings. I think men and women can be close friends providing there is no sexual attraction, or low morals if they are already with someone else.

UnquietDad · 05/08/2009 21:56

You don't have the right to tell another adult not to be friends with someone.

macdoodle · 05/08/2009 21:57

I did this with a relatively new DP of a few months (he is now not such a new DP )
My XH cheated and lied, but I am not generally a jealous or insecure person!
My DP is a friendly bloke, and he has lots of female friends, but THIS one just raised all my alarm bells!!
She kept warning him off me (for no good reason) rang and texted him late at night (knowing he was with me), moaned to him about her DP, she just made me uncomfortable!
I was not prepared to ever be made to feel like that after XH, and basically told him her or me, he readily agreed and it didnt cause any problems...
She wasnt an old friend, and certainly didnt have any right to be warning him about me!
In certain cases it is the right thing to do, I ignored my instincts once before I wont do it again!

PatTheHammer · 05/08/2009 22:00

How close a friend? Also were they friends before you and he got together?

If she is not a very old friend then I do think its a bit odd, especially if they spend a lot of time together or text/email regularly. Maybe just state that you feel uncomfortable with the amount of time spent together and would they consider paring it down a bit?

UQD is right though, you can't tell someone to not speak to another person if its all innocent.

daftpunk · 05/08/2009 22:02

if i wasn't comfortable with it...i'd tell him to stop.

UnquietDad · 05/08/2009 22:03

To expand on what I said, you can of course talk about it. You can ask for reassurances that there is nothing else to it but a friendship. But ultimately nobody has that right over another human being - nobody can "ban" husbands from having friends they don't like.

busybeingmum · 05/08/2009 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

megmums · 05/08/2009 22:17

I agree it is not fair to tell someone who they can be friends with, but ok and healthy to discuss how you feel about that friendship and any concerns that you have.

HolyGuacamole · 05/08/2009 22:37

I'd agree with UQD and whomovedmychocolate.

Personally, I'd never tell my DH to stop being friends with someone and he'd never tell me to do that either.

If we felt uncomfortable we'd have a chat about it but TBH, we are both really open with each other and both have friends of both sexes.

2 weeks ago my SILs friend (who has sort of become a friend of ours) was embarrassingly pissed and was hanging all over my DH, trying to cuddle in, quite openly in front of me at a party. I just thought 'silly girl', DH was mortified, trying to shove her away.

DH now feels uncomfortable with this girl and says he doesn't want to be left alone with her - which is fair enough and is the exact same way that I'd feel if I had some bloke trying to hang all over me in a slobbering, pissed way. Yeuch.

I think we can all control our own boundaries without someone else (a partner) trying to do it for us.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/08/2009 23:06

People are not property even if you are having sex with them regularly. If you are a monogamist, find yourself an equally monogamist partner. It's not possible to force someone to remain monogamous by snooping, pleading, crying, issuing ultimatums or by means of physical coercion, and it's not actually ethical to try.

Alambil · 05/08/2009 23:16

but surely platonic friendships don't break the monogamy rule?

I am very good friends with a bloke, we spend most evenings online chatting whilst his wife is online chatting to other people, we meet up quite often with or without her; she knows full well when we meet and is plainly fine with it as she does the same with male friends....

Friends doesn't mean want-to-shag-them. It can mean Just Friends.

purlease · 05/08/2009 23:21

it would be saying that you don't trust him

sheepgomeep · 05/08/2009 23:25

yes cos my ex fucked off with a girl half his age he considered his friend. I trusted them both. And they worked together.

No way will this happen again.

sheepgomeep · 05/08/2009 23:26

unfortunately 'just friends' meant 'I want to shag you' to my ex

HappyWoman · 06/08/2009 00:04

unfortunately friends can mean different things to different people.

I would not tell my h not be friends with someone but i would also expect him to be open about it and if i felt uncomfortable then i would expect him to either back off or let me meet them openly.

Sadly the person my h was friendly with turned into an affair. It is all too easy i am afraid and once bitten i too am very wary of such friendships.

Happily my h understands and does all he can now to make sure he not only knows his own boundaries but that others do too and makes them visable to me too.

BitOfFun · 06/08/2009 00:39

I can't really imagine it being a problem, but we are pretty open with each other and sometimes see each other's friends together. If I thought a "friend" of my DP was trying to undermine us or inveigle themselves with him, I would talk about it, but not in a "banning" way: I would just point out the things that were being said/done that were ringing alarm bells, and I suppose I'd expect him to handle the situation whatever way he felt best. That might mean backing off a bit, mentioning me a bit more, or just shrugging it off as harmless-but-treating-the-person-kindly, in the same way you would anyone who has a bit of a crush. I can't see it being a big issue, because I trust him.

l39 · 06/08/2009 06:35

My husband does have female friends, and I trust him. If I became worried about one though, I wouldn't hesitate to tell him to stop seeing her, and I can't see that he'd put up a fight - his marriage is more important to him than his friendships with either sex (wasn't always! But has been for 10 years) and he'd never put up with me spending any time with a male friend. He's much more jealous than I am.

poopscoop · 06/08/2009 06:42

No, i would not interfere with his friendships and would not expect him to do so with mine. It would breed resentment. You need to trust them, and if they cannot be trusted, then why stay together.

I would not fight for a man, because i would only want them to be with me because they want to, not because i have controlled them. What relationship is that?

MamaLazarou · 06/08/2009 08:35

No. I trust my DH 100%.

I was a bit jealous and possessive when we first got together, but these days I could happily let him loose in the Playboy mansion without worry.

expatinscotland · 06/08/2009 08:41

No. I talk to my ex-lover. But there's NO way anything would ever happen. None.

BecauseImWorthIt · 06/08/2009 08:44

If it was a friendship I felt uncomfortable about, I'd talk to him about it - but no way would I tell him to end a friendship. I would, though, expect him to listen to my concerns and be respectful of how I felt.

I am good friends with one of my ex's, and I think DH has sometimes found that hard, but I have always made it clear that he is an ex for a reason!

On the other hand, one of my closest friends was male. We had been very good friends for a number of years, even going away on holiday - but there had never been any physical attraction between us. We were just friends. However, when he met his girlfriend, now his wife, she was unable to accept that this was how things were and effectively put an end to the friendship through her jealousy. Athough we are still friends, it is very much at a distance. I probably see/speak to him every 2 or 3 months.

I'm used to it now, but it was very hurtful at the time - especially that I/he were not believed by her. It's hard to lose such a close friend.

So tread carefully!

nellynaemates · 06/08/2009 10:09

I would never tell my DP to end a friendship with someone because I didn't feel comfortable.

IMO if he's close friends with a woman that is fine, because I trust him.

If however, I thought he was being really flirtatious with someone then I think I would confront him about his feelings rather than say "you can't see her any more" - it's just a red rag to a bull isn't it??

To be honest, if it got to the stage if I was worried about his flirting then something would have gone seriously wrong with our relationship already.

Like other posters I trust my DP 100%.

mayorquimby · 06/08/2009 10:37

if my oh told me to stop bneing friends with any of my female friends i think she'd be my ex pretty quickly.

specialmagiclady · 06/08/2009 10:46

I think it depends on the nature of the "friendship". My DH has ONLY female friends, really. I'm completely comfortable with that, they've known him longer than I have, none of them are "after" him, none of them makes me feel uncomfortable.

There was, however, a colleague he worked with years ago - he works on short term, intensive projects so can spend a lot of time with colleagues away from home, in hotels etc - who I felt weird about. She acted all sort of possessive of him when I was around and used to wink knowingly and act like "I know him so much better than you do". DH (then DBF) was totally clueless. I ribbed him about it (and occasionally still do) and he noticed and then he didn't work with her again (not related, just coincidence). The pisstaking approach did seem to work. I think I'd use it again in future...

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