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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Poll of sorts - would you ask your OH to stop being a friend of the opposite sex because you were not happy with it?

48 replies

CuriousPoster · 05/08/2009 21:36

After seeing a lot of these sorts of threads on here, I was curious to find out what most people thought of this.

If your OH was close to a friend of the opposite sex and if you felt uncomfortable with this, what would you do? Would you feel you were in your own rights to ask them to stop speaking to this friend?

OP posts:

Mamazon · 06/08/2009 10:50

unless i had reason to believe it was anythign more than friendship then no.

Just as i would be furious if he dared to ask me not to speak to my male friends anymore.

stings · 06/08/2009 10:59

No. Dp has loads of female friends who he texts/rings/sees quite a lot. Most are childhood friends.

I used to be quite uncomfortable with one because she's stunning but I'd never once said to him to stop speaking to her. I've since got to know her and she's a lovely woman.

beanieb · 06/08/2009 11:01

For me to feel uncomfortable with it I think I would have to have had some evidence of inappropriate behaviour from one or both of them.

My ex had a female friend who was so clearly after him (She would get her friend to distract me in nightclubs, one time spilling a glass of redwine over my dress so I had to go to the toilets just so she could be alone with him) that in the end, with evidence, he decided not to be her friend any more because it was upsetting me.

My husband has LOADS of female friends, infact one of them is an ex who is now living with his brother. I have no issues at all about the closness he shares with them because I know they are just long time friends and we socialise together sometimes. At our wedding loads of his girlie friends came and lots of my male friends came. I like them all.

Julezboo · 06/08/2009 13:05

DH has a few close female friends, There is one in particular I am uncomfortable about. I can't rationalise it.

All I can do though is let him know how uncomfortable I find it and hope for the best.

I wouldnt ever tell him to stop talking to her because he is an adult and I trust him

Scorps · 06/08/2009 13:12

My DH has alot of female friends, it used to be fine.

Now he has cheated on me, when i was 15 weeks pg, he is not even allowed to look at another woman.

Mumcentreplus · 06/08/2009 13:20

I would never tell my DH not to be friends with another woman and vice versa..but we are both vocal about how we feel and what we expect from each other with regard to those relationships..

diedandgonetodevon · 06/08/2009 13:22

No. If I was uncomfortable with it, it would be my problem not his.
As it is, I trust DH and don't have any ishoos with him having female friends.

I would not let him dictate to me who I could or could not befriend so I would not dream of doing that to him.

TitsalinaBumsquash · 06/08/2009 13:25

You dont have the right to tell another adult to do anything in my opinion, you can however express your feeligs in a civil manner and let the other person decide what to do.

loopylou6 · 06/08/2009 14:56

if i was uncomfortable i would ask him to stop

Squitten · 06/08/2009 18:20

DH was innapropriately close (in my opinion) to a female co-worker a long time ago. He can't not work with her so I have had to tolerate that but, at the height of the problem, I said that if he continued to see her socially, I would walk. He doesn't socialise with her anymore.

I agree with Titsalina - you can't tell someone what to do but you can set your own boundaries.

anniemac · 07/08/2009 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BodenGroupie · 07/08/2009 12:16

I work with twenty men, many of whom I regard as friends and socialise with out of work.

I'm very careful about texting and have also tried to get to know wives/partners where they exist - it's safer that way for everyone and hopefully makes the women feel more comfortable with the relationship.

Unfortunately my DH hasn't bothered to do the same!

Agree with Anniemac on the undercurrent and healthy suspicion.

tiredoftherain · 07/08/2009 13:41

My H has always had mainly female friends, I was always happy with this, as I've had a mix of male and female friends since I was little.

One woman I've always had a healthy suspicion of - H got close to her while she was going through issues with her XH, he became her confidant. Unfortunately, my instincts were right and a couple of weeks ago I found out he'd been sending her affectionate texts, and they'd spent the night together in a hotel room.

So now my opinion has changed, I'd still be happy with friendships but I'd probably want to be more involved in them, especially if I felt uneasy. I think they can only truly work if they include partners, I've always made an effort with my male friends' wives, so that they know there are no ulterior motives on my part.

BodenGroupie · 07/08/2009 14:46

Tired - very for you. Going through it myself at the moment, I suspect, but not enough ammunition to confront. Your situation (and now mine) is why I try to get to know the wives too.

tiredoftherain · 07/08/2009 14:59

oh Boden, so sorry if you're going through similar, it's vile, and it all creeps up so gradually in these cases that you start to doubt your instincts. I would never have found out for certain were it not for her XH being on to it but I knew I was operating on high alert where she was concerned. Now I look back, there were a few tiny clues.

But - I know that I haven't crossed any lines with male friendships, so platonic friendships can and do exist.

BodenGroupie · 07/08/2009 15:11

It's made me realise quite how much easier it is with modern technology. My DH is a bit technically naive and whilst he deletes texts and call lists, he doesn't realise we get an online statement!

tiredoftherain · 07/08/2009 15:20

Aha.. so will you confront or build up more evidence? It might be something which can be nipped in the bud if caught early on. What a horrid position to be in either way, hope it is all innocent.

Jux · 07/08/2009 15:25

My dh became very close friends with a woman while I was pg with dd. I was uncomfortable with it, not least because other friends were making all sorts of insinuations about them. I asked dh straight out if he was having an affair and he said No. I had a choice of whether to trust him and believe him, or not. I chose to trust him. They are still friends 11 years on. I am still not entirely comfortable with it, but am certain there is no hanky panky. It is my problem only, and not a huge one. After all these years if it were going to be a problem it would be already, but it isn't -iyswim.

She's really nice, btw.

BodenGroupie · 07/08/2009 16:32

Thanks tired - it's just one of many issues. We've been together more than half my life and it's been a rollercoaster. I'm frightened by quite how un-bothered I am about this latest escapade so I'm going to wait a bit longer

DollyPS · 08/08/2009 13:30

annimac good post as that is how I feel also others dont see it that way at all and its them that it bothers not me and they just dont get it at all.

sleeplessinstretford · 08/08/2009 14:30

i wouldn't dream of telling him to shed female friends who he had prior to me,i would probably raise an eyebrow though if he found an all encompassing new female friend who he spent time with exclusively ie went for drinks with etc etc.
and for the record, i trust him a 100% and his hobbies and interests are so dull/man type things that any woman who was interested in him would have to be interested in him for his big brown eyes and dimples...

ForExample · 08/08/2009 15:16

No, I wouldn't. Never. If there was a problem, I would want to address the cause, asking him not to see somebody would just be papering over the cracks.

k850plus · 09/08/2009 00:52

Just thought I would throw another angle into the mix with my female friend hat on so to speak.

I have been friends with a guy for some 30 yrs (yes that makes me old as we are not old school friends!!!!) Have always considered him to have a very special place in my life. Some 8 months ago whilst texting quite innocently I thought, it came out that we had each felt the same about the other for many many years, but had neer been single at the same time so nothing had come of it. He is now single (ish - but that's another story)and I am very very unhappily married. Still only friends as opposed to having a "real affair" but I suppose if I am honest we are guilty of an "emotional affair" for want of a better phrase. We have talked of getting together as and when I pluck up the courage to leave my husband (who has cheated on me twice over the years)but are both agreed that nothing physical can come of it until then.

Looking back now of course I can see that considering him a very special friend was just me not admitting to myself that I felt something more.

The second time my husband cheated - on the first occasion he was quite open about it - he claimed she was just a friend!!!!!

So having been that "female friend" I suppose I would always be somewhat suspicious of them!!!

Not sure this is at all helpful - but just thought I would share.

Hope it all works out for the best for you.

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