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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just watched Davina's "Who Do You Think You Are?" and it brings such mixed feelings.

30 replies

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 18/07/2009 17:09

I loved it as I really love history, family trees and things like that but then I feel really as I have no family at all and no way of ever finding out anything that might have been in my family history.

I just feel like I don't fit in anyway and never have.

OP posts:
MissisBoot · 18/07/2009 17:10

how do you have no family? (sorry hope you don't mind me asking?)

AvadaKedavra · 18/07/2009 17:11

I have a whole side I know nothing about and of the side I do know, 7/8ths don't talk to each other. It makes me too.

MissisBoot · 18/07/2009 17:12

perhaps you could concentrate on your immediate family - this would give you some 'history'. You are your childrens history etc and if you have a partner you are in turn part of that history.

Divvy · 18/07/2009 17:13

You have the family you have made! Start a tree from now onwards, for your future family, trees have to start from somewhere, you can be that start....maybe...f you feel like it

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 18/07/2009 17:18

I have a husband who means the world to me. Goodness knows where I would be without him and we have three gorgeous children. But I feel like they are more his and his families than mine. They have his name by birthright whereas I only have it by marriage.

I was brought up in care, MissisBoot, and my parents never wanted me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 18/07/2009 17:19

Should have been fit in any*where not way.

OP posts:
skihorse · 18/07/2009 17:21

I don't belong either but I genuinely feel that my new (coming) family is where I can put it right. I want our home to be where our children's friends are welcome - I can't wait to meet their boyfriends & girlfriends. I feel quite excited - I'm about to have a family where I do belong. You do have a family fabbakergirl.

skihorse · 18/07/2009 17:21

PS It's OK to grieve for not having a history.

ABetaDad · 18/07/2009 17:23

Sometimes digging reveals something you don't want to know though.

I discovered about two months ago that my mother has led a life which is a total fabrication. Not a single thing I thought I knew about my mother and her side of her family is true. I have a whole set of Aunts, Uncles and cousins I don't even know, another Uncle who died just after I was born actually commited suicide but was made out to be a heroic pilot who died in a terrible plane crash, and my only living 'Aunt' is not even related to me.

My mother has not told me any of this and I discovered it by accident.

I know what you mean though about feeling like you don't fit in - I have had it all my life and now I know why. I even discovered I am Jewish which for a strictly brought up Methodist is quite something. Bizzarely, Jewish people have often told me they think I am Jewish and now I know why that is as well.

I am sad and annoyed to have reached 46 only to discover half of what I am is a lie.

Divvy · 18/07/2009 17:26

ABD, do you hate your mother for lying?

or do you think she had her reasons, and they were good ones?

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 18/07/2009 17:30

TBH I don't think i could find out anything worse than what I already know and what I have lived with.

It won't happen anyway.

OP posts:
MissisBoot · 18/07/2009 17:33

Sorry to hear you were brought up in care - I was lucky enough to have been adopted so can understand the need for 'history' and also the feeling of abandonment.

I agree with skihorse - its ok to grieve for not having a history. I felt like a never really fitted in with my extended adopted family - and have never been able to find out anything my birth parents. I don't know who I look like or why I am the person I am.

The sense of abandonment can run so deep and its worrying that you feel like your children are more 'his' than both of yours. Have you had any therapy to help you come to terms with your childhood?

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 18/07/2009 17:38

I have had counselling but I usually refuse to talk about my childhood as I just don't want to have to think about it and if I say it then it must have happened. Huge denial.

Having said that, I have been a bad way these lat few months with depression taking a big hold of me and I have my first therapy appointment in September.

It is a weird feeling to think how my problems are all linked in some ways.

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 18/07/2009 17:39

I don't hate her - but it explains a lot about my relationship with her. She once said to someone else but I overheard her say "it is best not to love your children".

She abandoned me to die in Wakefield General hospital when I was born and she abandoned her mother in a nursing home the same way. Two more things I discovered.

Anyway the thread is not about me. Apologies to the OP but sometimes it is best not to look.

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 18/07/2009 17:47

Apologies not needed.

So sorry you have had a less than great mother.

OP posts:
Divvy · 18/07/2009 17:49

I told one of my children a lie, and now she really hates me, but at the time it was for the best, I hope one day she will forgive me.

ABetaDad · 18/07/2009 17:50

FabBaker - my mother has some elements of your history in her past. I implore you, please do not let this impact your family. My mother feels this way about me and my sisters:

"But I feel like they are more his and his families than mine."

You have a wonderful DH and family. Hold on to that with every ounce of your strength. I have tears in my eyes reading your story and writing this. I am sorry you feel this way and for what you have suffered.

Please, if you can, summon up the strength to let it all out through counselling. You must tell your children too when they are old enough if they do not know already.

DippyDino · 18/07/2009 18:02

"It is one thing to be a link in a chain, but it is far greater to start a chain of your own."

Lisa Simpson.
(Well it was somethingm like that!)

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 18/07/2009 18:15

ABD - so your mum feels that he kids belonged more to their father than her? Really? That is quite spooky.

I don't feel good enough or significant enough to start my own chain. I do feel quite irrelevant tbh.

I know my husband loves me, but I can't believe it or understand why.

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 18/07/2009 18:25

FabBaker - am I reading this right? When you say "we have three gorgeous children" the children are not biologically yours or you just don't feel they are yours?

I am biologically my mother's son - but she does not feel she is my mother. She does not love me as a mother. She basically cares what happens to me but does not express love.

The love of your DH is unconditional though, there is no reason. That is what love is, it passes understanding.

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 18/07/2009 18:54

They are biologically ours. I do try and say our and we on here as the children aren't just mine but sometimes I do say mine and I.

I often wonder how the kids get here but I know I gave birth to them, just can't believe it sometimes.

OP posts:
LuluMaman · 18/07/2009 18:58

i know you don;t want to hear this fab, but until you work through your childhood, you are going to be stuck in this cycle of negativity and low self esteem, it will be enormously painful, but you will come through it, and it is not like you are incredibly happy now, pretneding it did not happen

i am sorry for what has happened to you, and wish you could feel happier and more worthy

abetadad, how sad , i hope that you are able t come to terms with these shocks.

Klaw · 18/07/2009 19:11

Fab, I have a mother, but my father left when I was 14, ended up remarried and took on her kids and had a boy of his own with her. I felt that he stayed with that witch for the sake of his son but us daughters were not important enough. He made contact sporadically and when he died I hadn't seen him for 12 years. We had emailed a few days before he died as he reached out when he was diagnosed. Sadly though I never got to ask him why he abandoned us, or get any answers.

I empathise with your feelings of not being wanted and worthlessness (my understanding of you) but want to back up what others have said. Your dh CHOSE you, and your kids will love you no matter what. You CAN start the chain from now but I know that there will always be a longing within you.

(((((FAB)))))

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 18/07/2009 19:15

My youngest tells me daily he loves me (he is 4) and my other two tell me I am the best mum and the best cook but I just think they don't know any better. I can't just accept it but I think that is because I am no good. I don't do a lot with them but I really want to be better.

OP posts:
loflo · 19/07/2009 18:49

You are the best mum because you are their mum. The one who is there when they need you.

And it is desperately sad that no-one did this for you.

But by parenting your lovely children you have broken the cycle and ensured that history will not repeat itself for your children.

I hope that the therapy helps and you can find some peace within yourself that you so deserve.

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