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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have the right to invite both lots of parents even if they hate each other, don't I? And how do I word this...

26 replies

bohemianbint · 25/01/2009 19:27

Brief history; parents divorced when I was 3 or 4ish, they bloody hate each other, was brought up by my dad. Dad and SM have always said they would expect me not to invite my mother to my wedding "out of respect for them".

I think I've suffered all my life because of their divorce, I now have a very close relationship with my mother (and a rather fraught one with them) and I just want to have one day in my life where I am not being punished for what went on beween them all those years ago.

Dad will go mental and have decided to tell him in a letter as I want him to understand why am inviting my mother. (He will hit the roof and say am just doing it to annoy him, probably.)

I'm entitled to, aren't I, no matter what went on? And how can I word it, would be sooo grateful for any feedback as am finding this emotionally extremely difficult. TIA.

OP posts:

nkf · 25/01/2009 19:28

YOu are entitled to. Why can't they behave? I feel for you.

moondog · 25/01/2009 19:30

You carry on.If they are too stupid and selfish to see that your wedding day is about you and not them, they deserve to stew in misery and bitteness.

Who is paying for it btw?

BrownSuga · 25/01/2009 19:30

I wouldn't invite either of them for fear of them ruining MY day.

Disclaimer: I'm a coward, and like to avoid confrontation.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 25/01/2009 19:30

What I want to say is that if they can't all behave for one day and actually put us first then they can bugger off and not come, but I don't really want to antagonise anyone, I think this needs v careful handling...

OP posts:

gemmummy · 25/01/2009 19:32

my dad didn't come to my wedding for same reason i feel for you it's a terrible situation. Remember though, it's your one day when it's all about you, and it's your feelings that count, nobody elses.

BrownSuga · 25/01/2009 19:32

I suppose along those lines you could write a note, asking that each respect your wishes to have both sets of parents there, and would appreciate it if they could put aside their differences for that day. If they feel unable to and choose not to attend, you would be disappointed but understand.

theresonlyme · 25/01/2009 19:33

Maybe I am crazy but I would invite all of them but make it quite clear that the first sign of trouble, they are out and have someone on stand by to remove them.

theresonlyme · 25/01/2009 19:33

If you want your dad there that is.

moondog · 25/01/2009 19:33

Who is paying?

Original poster

bohemianbint · 25/01/2009 19:36

We've paid for the venue; dad's said will pay for everything else. Mother has said she will pick up tab if dad goes ape and refuses to pay.

I just can't believe I still have to concern myself with this crap all these years on! FFS. If I ever (god forbid) split with DH no way will I ever let it affect my kids like this, no matter what.

OP posts:

ANTagony · 25/01/2009 19:38

Hoping not to touch any nerves but....

Did you have much of a relationship with your mum growing up?

Are your dad and stepmum your parents whilst your biological mother is someone who is a confident and friend as an adult?

With your dad and stepmum they care so much they can't quite stop the heavy parenting and allow you to be an adult on your own feet?

I'm making an awful lot of assumptions but wonder whether if any of the above has any resemblence to the situation you could invite your dad/ stepmum as your parents to be at the head table etc, walk down the isle and be named on the invites (another gross assumption in wedding format) and invite your mother as someone you care for and respect as an adult (but not to sit alongside your stepmum during the ceremony). Explain to your dad and stepmum that you respect that they parented you and as such have brought you to the stage you are a strong independant adult whos opinions and guests list needs to be respected.

Tricky situation good luck - just remember the weddings about you and your other half celebrating starting your lives together.

moondog · 25/01/2009 19:40

Hmm, if you paid for the whole tihng it would be easier.Once people start paying for stufff they feel they have a say in what goes on which is logical.

Bloody selfish though.

Can you refuse all cash and just do your own thing and say to them all 'I'd love you all to come and be happy for us but i am not going to come begging if you decide not to and i am not going to let you spoil our day'.

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 25/01/2009 19:42

Argh, it's awful. I had a similar situation last year. There was lots of misbehaving from them in the run up to the big day, but when it came to it they managed to be civil to each other and even appeared together in a photo with us.
Good luck!

ladycornyofsilke · 25/01/2009 19:42

What are their reasons for not inviting your mother to your wedding? Why were you brought up by your dad and SM?

warthog · 25/01/2009 19:43

they sound like 2 year olds. in fact my 2 year old is better behaved.

of course you're entitled to having them both there on your wedding day. i think the letter is a good idea. tell him that it would mean the world to you to have both your parents there and that this is very important to you. you understand that it will be difficult for him but you can't stress enough how much it would mean.

then hopefully he'll see that for once he should put you first.

LivingLaVidaLurker2 · 25/01/2009 19:45

I really feel for you. My parents hate each other and my wedding was the first time they would be in the same room after my sister's graduation 10 years previously. Both had made it clear time and time again that they didn't ever want to see each other again, not even at my wedding.

I wish I had wise advice, but really all I did was talk to them both well in advance (seperately, of course!), let them know it was my day and if they didn't feel they could 'behave' then, very sadly, I would rather they didn't come.

The night before, my dad called me and said he'd been thinking and didn't feel him and SM could come after all. I was in tears. but my sister called him and gave him very stern talking to.

Well, they both came and had a great time. I sat them at different tables during the meal (at opposite ends of the room!)and asked them to act as hosts for that table. I let them both suggest a couple of guests for the reception (old family friends who I was glad to see though wouldn't have necessarily thought of on my own IYSWIM) so they had people there they really liked and could talk to.

And on the day, I was far too busy laughing and dancing to pay them and their problems any attention.

All good preparation for dealing with my toddlers.

TotalChaos · 25/01/2009 19:45

agree with Moondog. Don't let any of them chip in. As that way whatever happens noone in future can turn round and moan about their financial contribution.

mamadoc · 25/01/2009 19:47

Is it possible they might surprise you and manage to be adult?
My dsis and her dh put off getting married (for 7yrs!) because his parents hated each other so much after a bitter divorce that he was sure they'd ruin the day. He wanted to invite noone but our family is very close and would have been upset so they felt whatever they did would upset someone. Finally they organised and paid for their own wedding and invited everyone and he wrote to his dad and mum saying how much he wanted it to go well and it did. They all behaved and it was a fantastic day.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 25/01/2009 19:49

ANT - haha, interesting, will try to answer in order...

My mum left when I was about 5. I saw her sporadically, she says because my dad made problems, he said because she was feckless. I will probably never know.

Heavy is the word alright - they were heavy handed when I was growing up, are still totally controlling and disrespectful and things are very difficult with them at the moment.

(Why do you ask; I mean, how did you know?!!_

Problem is, they've told me one version of events all my life. My mother's told me another. I have no idea what went on and maybe never will, but seeing how my father has treated me, his daughter, who he is supposed to give a shit about, makes me really question how hideous he could be to an ex he wanted shot of.

And, if what my mother says is true, she's actually been quite hard done by. Sure, she's far from perfect, she left 2 kids, but having now had 2 babies myself, I can't say I'd cope too well if I was left alone and my DH (allegedly) did the dirty and left me with no family or support or money.

I wish I knew what really went on. But I don't; can only go on what I know. And I know that right now my dad and SM are not exactly contributing positively to our lives. But to isolate them probably means losing most of my family.

OP posts:

ladycornyofsilke · 25/01/2009 20:07

I think the only thing to do is to pay for it yourself and invite them both on equal terms. Don't let your dad and SM take control of this.

Original poster

bohemianbint · 25/01/2009 20:34

thank you for all the support - have been driving myself mad wondering whether am in the right or not...

OP posts:

ANTagony · 25/01/2009 20:48

Heavy handed parenting is something I'm all to familiar with particularly since my husband left. My parents don't just feel a right to express uninvited opinion on everything they get right on in there where ever possible with all four feet. I know its because they love me but sometimes it feels more like its inspite of me, if that makes any sense. I have found letters that i write, and rewrite a few times before sending, telling them I love them and relaying a few ground rules work wonders (for a while). Hence the plural.

I do think, knowing very little about your situation, that maybe your dad and stepmum deserve acknowledgement at your wedding as the people who raised you to be who you are. Isn't a wedding traditionally a handover ceremony father to husband. Could this be the oportunity to make this very symbolic and turn it into a now respect my wishes thing as well?

You mention your mum will pay if your dad pulls out. If your mum is prepared to contribute and wants to be involved what about the honeymoon? It would invite her to be a contributary part of things, help you out and state clearly to your parents that she is involved and contributing to your life and its progression as an adult. Without displacing or in anyway trying to replace the important role they have played. Your mum shouldn't be allowed to play games either shes potentially less deeply emotionally involved than the heavy handed two and may even subcontiously be allowing this termoil to go on by doing things like offering to pay if your dad goes ape.

Maybe get the money off both of them and go off to a desert island with your husband to be and the babies I always like the fact theres the option to run away.

MissusLindt · 25/01/2009 20:57

Could you right a letter telling them the just for one day you would like the past to stay in the past and not touch the present. Write one letter and copy it, so that both sides can see that you are saying the same thing.

You are not trying to take sides, but you have the right to have both your parents at your side when you take your wedding vows.

If they do not agree to a one day truce then they are not welcome at the wedding.

I agree with Moondog, as long as your parents are contributing financially towards the wedding, it is difficult to stand firm against them.

sayithowitis · 25/01/2009 21:01

When we married, we decided to pay for it ourselves,and have a smaller wedding, purely because of this. My parents were divorced when I was a child and I was fortunate enough to maintain a really good relationship with my dad right up until he died. My Mum didn't understand why I would even want him and his new family at the wedding, let alone for him to give me away. She couldn't see that if I didn't invite my dad's new wife and their son, it would be hypocritical as I was inviting my dear step dad and asking him to take part in the events as another dad. Both Dads were happy with the roles I asked them to play in my day. In the end, mt dh had to tell my mum that it was OUR day and if she didn't think she could control her own behaviour on the day, we would have to ask her to stay away as we didn't want our special day spoiled. She grudgingly agreed and actually, on the day itself, was wonderful and nobody would ever have realised there was a problem. One of my most precious possessions is the photo I have of me, dh, mum and dad on my wedding day. It can be done, but sometimes you have to be able to be strong and really lay it out that you won't be bullied or blackmailed by them, as their daughter, you are entitled to invite both and to expect them to respect your wishes about your day. Good Luck.

nkf · 25/01/2009 21:54

The money will complicate things. It's human nature to feel you can have a say if you are paying.

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