does anyone get on with their mother

monkeyfeet · 2009-01-06T10:00:27+00:00

or is the relationship one that is constant battles where things are never resolved and you always end up compromising to keep the peace though she never does. I have just had a massive argument with mine about very little really concerning her priorities and my dogs, she never seems to put my dd first. So anyway we argued she called me some awful things (she wasnt even drunk) burst into tears and I ended up apologising. Is is going to be like this with my dd one day, please does anyone have a good relationship with their mother or daughter? give me hope

Lemontart · 06/01/2009 10:05

My mum has an awful relationship with her mum. She has tried very hard to be a "better" mum and whenever she visits my gran she is always a lot nicer the following few weeks as she tries not to repeat the mistakes my gran made/makes.
We never argue openly, occasionally irritate the hell out of each other and back off for a few days, but mostly she is a fantastic mum. I think it is up to you what your mother/daughter relationship will be like As for your own relationship with your mum - similar deal really. You might only be able to "control" one side of it, but what you learn as a parent yourself, and how you put that into action, is entirely up to you.
The very fact that you are concerned about it shows that you are a caring mum who is striving for a wonderful relationship with her daughter. That has got to count for a lot xx

girlandboy · 06/01/2009 10:07

I am a peace-keeper, and a backer-down. If I wasn't then I'm sure murder would have been committed.

random · 06/01/2009 10:12

I have a really good relationship with both my grown up daughters so there is hope

Mercy · 06/01/2009 10:14

I get on with my mum (on the whole). I do occasionally have to remind her that I am a middle aged woman though!

I don't see her very often though as we live 200 miles apart and speak once or twice a week on the phone - maybe that's a factor?

aseriouslyblondemoment · 06/01/2009 10:20

monkeyfeet this sounds familiar!
i think that you first of all have to tell yourself that it's her with the problem and not you
it's taken me a long time to reach that point with my own mother but i am determined to no longer be guilt tripped by her
mine will often cut short conversations or slam the phone down on me and whereas i would once get upset and apologise despite not being in the wrong i now tend to smile about it and do the la-la-la thing in my head
i think alot of it stems from their jealousy as despite all the problems that us modern women have i think we do in general have more options than most of our own mothers ever did and they secretly resent it
friends of mine have monsters for mothers too and some of their stories are truly shocking
mine has never been there for me emotionally and i think recently this has dawned on her so she is very jealous of my gfs who i go to for support
she tried to guilt trip me yesterday too but i was having none of it especially after the xmas i had to endure thanks to her so called well meaning meddling
so i guess that yes i suppose like me you too will probably never have a good relationship
i do have a brilliant relationship with my dd
but then i dont use my own mother as a role model lol!!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 06/01/2009 10:21

Probably 97% of the time I do.

snowleopard · 06/01/2009 10:26

I've kind of developed an OK relationship with mine. There are a lot of issues from the past (she failed to protect us from abusive dad, until they divorced when I was a teenager; she had affairs and burdened us with her emotional stuff etc), she can be very tactless and selfish and also inappropriate eg regaling DP with tales of gynae woes etc OTOH she is also funny, kind, clever and really loves us, for all her faults. So I think I can be OK with her by just letting the crapness wash over me and not expecting more from her IYSWIM. How I achieved that I don't know. She says things that could be taken to heart and cause huge rows but instead I just laugh them off (eg comments on my body, backhanded remarks about my parenting etc.)

I think I can be honest with her which is a huge help. I still really struggle with my sister because you really can't say anything to her that she could construe as criticism - she gets massively defensive - so it's all unspoken tension and irritation and pretence. With my mum, if she's rude I just laugh and say "that's outrageous!" Perhaps it's because I can now see clearly her failings as a mum that I'm not that bothered about winning her approval... that sounds sad written down, but it makes for a better relationship actually.

pgwithnumber3 · 06/01/2009 10:30

I always get along with my mum, have only had one or two disagreements with her in recent years and they have always been resolved within minutes. She is a rock to me (and DH) and I speak to her on the phone at least once a day. She is the first person I call in the morning, even if I have spoken to her the night before. Same goes for my dad, I love them both to bits. I realise that I am very very lucky.

poshsinglemum · 06/01/2009 10:46

used to have a crap relationship. getting better as we both age. still drives me nuts but i feel bad as she has issues.

Jenbot · 06/01/2009 10:52

I get on fine with my mum. We don't agree on everything but we have a nice chat most days, sometimes twice a day since I had a baby, and I can't remember the last time we had an actual row.
She speaks to her mum almost every day too.

Maybe it is the 200 miles thing though! As none of us live in the same place!

Original poster

monkeyfeet · 06/01/2009 11:21

Gosh thanks everyone for all the replies it really does help to air and get other opinions. And everybody has helped me get some perspective thank you.

I think at least standing back and being reasonable about my side of the situation can help me feel in control though it is sad that we will never have a deep and trusting relationship.

Sometimes I do just lose it with her I feel unjustly treated and want to get my point across, at which point in comes the guilt trip so I never feel vindicated. But I guess this type of vindication comes at a price and I think in order to preserve some sort of relationship with her I need to back down alot more. Also a little more distance would be good, she has been with us for 3 weeks over xmas!

On the other hand she is very generous and can be kind. She has also been through alot with my dad and whilst I always thought I didnt blame her for staying with him I guess I do and wish she had protected me. So there is resentment I need to cope with too.

I shall remember all of the little picks and digs from my mom about my weight, clothes, choice of career, etc.. and try to never do it to dd.

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 06/01/2009 11:28

3 weeks over xmas you deserve a medal lol!!

NormaJeanBaker · 06/01/2009 11:35

I did although I had to be the adult - she was volatile and emotional - often irrational and childish. But also great fun, clever, loving and a fantastic person to sit up drinking wine with and talking all night. She behaved appallingly to my boyfriends, including the one who is now DH, but I persevered with her through all that and glad I did. She died three years ago and I miss her every day.

Original poster

monkeyfeet · 06/01/2009 11:36

Gosh thanks everyone for all the replies it really does help to air and get other opinions. And everybody has helped me get some perspective thank you.

I think at least standing back and being reasonable about my side of the situation can help me feel in control though it is sad that we will never have a deep and trusting relationship.

Sometimes I do just lose it with her I feel unjustly treated and want to get my point across, at which point in comes the guilt trip so I never feel vindicated. But I guess this type of vindication comes at a price and I think in order to preserve some sort of relationship with her I need to back down alot more. Also a little more distance would be good, she has been with us for 3 weeks over xmas!

On the other hand she is very generous and can be kind. She has also been through alot with my dad and whilst I always thought I didnt blame her for staying with him I guess I do and wish she had protected me. So there is resentment I need to cope with too.

I shall remember all of the little picks and digs from my mom about my weight, clothes, choice of career, etc.. and try to never do it to dd.

OP posts:

kittenloren · 06/01/2009 11:39

While we had some struggles when I was a teen (esp. when she remarried and we set up a new home with my stepdad and his children) my mum and I are extremely close now, speak every day on the phone and see each other at least every other day.

She's a lovely and very kind person, has always been incredibly supportive of me, and we have the same sense of humour so spend a lot of our time together laughing.

I do hope I can be as good a mum to my children as my mum has always been to me & dsis.

DisenchantedPlusBump · 06/01/2009 11:41

My mum is my best friend, really.

She does so much for me, i would be truelly lost without her.

I hope me and my daughter have the same sort of relationshhip.

We had alot of trouble in my teens, some stuff went on but its all put behind us and since Ive had children of my own we have become so, so close

buttercreamfrosting · 06/01/2009 11:47

My mom is one of my favourite people. She's an amazing person and an amazing mother and grandmother. We've always had a great relationship and I can't say enough great things about her!!
I do know I'm very very lucky.

EyeballsintheSky · 06/01/2009 11:50

Brilliant relationship with my mum as well. As long as she keeps off the subject of my weight then we get on like a house on fire. Speak every day and see her about three times a week, sometimes more. Would be lost without her (and my dad).

GooseyLoosey · 06/01/2009 11:52

I get on with my mother very well, but I do feel that I am the adult in the relationship and I am the one who makes accommodations when required.

My mother had a fraught relationship with her mother who has just died unexpectedly. My mother is bereft. She has realised that for all they constantly argued or rubbed each other up the wrong way, her mother was one of her closest friends.

bronze · 06/01/2009 11:55

Great relationship with my mum. I just miss her like anything now they live abroad though fully approve of their going as they gave up so much of their lives for us children when we were young.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/01/2009 11:55

I do. She's a very calm, peacekeeping person. She's very supportive and not judgemental - in fact she's amazing! Much nicer than me.

Original poster

monkeyfeet · 06/01/2009 12:00

why did i post that twice!

OP posts:

wintercitylover · 06/01/2009 15:17

I don't really but it has mellowed over time. Or I have!!

But she's not really fully on my side I feel. Very critical. Eg have just been talking to her about my exH gloating about how his new dcs sleeping very long hours - he and his new DP actually won't see them during the week which is something I never wanted.

But she said oh but I would want my evenings - yes but surely you can have a compromise. And then wnet on to say better to get them in bed early so they are better behaved. Dig dig dig!! What a cow!!

My DCs went to nursery anyway so we were never back till about 6.30 so they couldn't go to bed that early.

I am also getting over a really nasty flu virus and this is just brushed off with 'everyone has to go back to work'.

Many years ago I was ill with a bug and she came round and said 'oh just do some housework and you will feel better!!!'

She also has never agreed with my working FT with children, never told me I look nice (ever) and has always undermined me when she can.

I can see these are her issues and not mine but it still hurts and I would never treat a child of mine like that.

Perhaps she is jealous???

wintercitylover · 06/01/2009 15:18

In fact reading that make me realise that I need to pull back a bit from her (as I have done in the past) because I noticed leading up to Xmas that she was getting a bit spikey again.

Funnily enough I have a friend with exactly the same birthday as her who has similar character traits - if you believe in all that stuff.

HolyGuacamole · 06/01/2009 15:29

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