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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me make sense of what is going on with my brother.....

40 replies

Squirdle · 20/08/2008 22:11

....because I haven't got a clue any more.

Bit of background. He is 37, still at home with parents (but has lived away from home). He is what you might call a bit of a drifter.

Last week I was on holiday with thankfully no reception. On the way home I recieve a panicky message from my sister saying that our brother has been causing trouble within the family. It is all to do with a message that she sent to our youngest brother which he took the wrong way, elder brother not youngest. So, he sent 2 nasty e-mails to my sister and upset her and my parents (parents believed him)

So I get home at midnight (after a 3 hour journey in a tow truck as DH's car has broken down) and find I also have 2 nasty e-mails from him....and they were nasty.

I couldn't work out why my sisters message to my youngest brother had anything to do with me. It upset me, but I took a day to reply as I needed to get my head around it.

I did reply to him, mainly asking him questions so I could work out what was going on. But, I get more nasty e-mails.

After a while he tells me that the reason he is angry is because I put a status message on Facebook saying 'Off to Wales...have ordered sun, but not sure Parcelforce will deliver on time' Apparently that was a veiled and public attack against him

He is very paranoid (and I have told him so) but I and many others can't see how that could possibly be an attack on him!!

Anyway, the upshot is that I have had enough of him. The e-mails from him contained many nasty and untrue things about me and my family (he actually never really sees us, so I have no idea how he 'knows' all of this)

I can't deal with all of his nonsense any more.

He EXPECTS an apology, which I won't give as I have done nothing wrong, so I guess that is it between us!

It's sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Squirdle · 20/08/2008 22:30

Someone tell me what to do! Either that or adopt him as your brother....

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Original poster
Squirdle · 20/08/2008 22:31

Mind you, I haven't 'sold' him very well have I!!

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ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 20/08/2008 22:34

He sounds as if he is suffering from a mental illness tbh Squirdle.

BeHereNow · 20/08/2008 22:35

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oldcrock · 20/08/2008 22:36

Sorry you are going through this. We have had a lot of worries with my brother too over the last couple of years. Does he have any history of mental health issues? From what you say, he sounds unstable at the least. I understand that you've had enough, but is there some underlying problem that needs treatment?

BeHereNow · 20/08/2008 22:36

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Ledodgy · 20/08/2008 22:37

It does sound like a mental illness of some sorts. Does he do any drugs that you know of? Long term marujana use can cause paranoia.

TheGreatScootini · 20/08/2008 22:47

I agree with Ledodgy.Has he a girlfriend or any friends you could talk to who see him more regularly who might be able to tell you how he behaves most of the time/if he's doing drugs or anything?Or would he think that was too much like snooping if he found out?Could you trust them not to tell him you asked?

CarGirl · 20/08/2008 22:49

I agree that it screams "mental health problem" at me too.

Original poster
Squirdle · 20/08/2008 22:50

Hmm, Ledodgy, he has in the past and I suspect he still does.

Beherenow, I have done exactly that, but I refuse now to talk to him about it.

OldCrock and Shiny, I do think he has some kind of problem...very much like our mohter, but he wouldn't accept that.

Funnily enough he has apologised to my sister about the assumptions he made to her, but he won't to me. She is on holiday atm, but I can't imagine she will be very forgiving considering he was so nasty in the first place.

I said to him that it would all probably blow over but he still continued to send nasty e-mails. So I have given up. I have years of biting my tongue, being very diplomatic when others complain about him, but enough is enough. This is the first time I have told him exactly what I think and he doesn't like it. This in response to his comments. I couls tell you what they were, but it would take waaaaaay too long!

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Original poster
Squirdle · 20/08/2008 22:56

He doesn't have a girlfriend and hasn't done for a long time as far as I know. He does have freinds but often complains about him...very paranoid.

He leads a very 'alternative' lifestyle, which I have always accepted, that is who he is and I have been very supportive and respectful of his choice of lifestyle. That is completely up to him. But he seems to think that everyone should live the same way. I don't know if this is his problem with me. He is very anti fascist/anti racist anti everything, which is fine, but he also believes wealth should be distributed evenly throughout the country. DH has a very good job, but we are not rolling in it. We have a nice house in a lovely part of the world and I know how lucky I am, but we don't have many luxuries (mortgage is too high ) and we certainly don't lord it above anyone else. We simply lead a different life to him. This may not be the reason, but I suspect it has something to do with it!

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Original poster
Squirdle · 20/08/2008 22:58

I did tell him he couldn't be the bullying older brother anymore and as I am an adult he couldn't tell me what to do...or tell me to make my sister do something.

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Nat1H · 20/08/2008 22:59

If he has got some sort of mental illness, then he probably can't help what he wrote. Instead of telling him what you think of him (which will probably make his illness worse) then why not tell him you love him and want to help. I know it is hard, but he is probably feeling like s**t right now even if he is not showing it.

cheatedon · 20/08/2008 23:00

I'd be a bit worried about this as it does sound very paranoid. Can you get one of his friends to check on him. This sounds like he is trying to get family's attention, because deep down he knows he is feeling bad but doesn't know why...

Original poster
Squirdle · 20/08/2008 23:03

I can't Nat, he really has gone too far. His e-mails were very well thought out and very articulate...they weren't ones from someone who is rambling..he knew what he was saying.

He is very much someone who expects people to accept him for him (which I always have) but he won't do the same.

There is a lot more history to this, but I won't go there...too stressful! And I need to sleep tonight

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TheHedgeWitch · 20/08/2008 23:05

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Original poster
Squirdle · 20/08/2008 23:06

I don't know any of his friends and I also live 2 hours away (for this very reason!) He has always been paranoid, but until now it has been limited to parents/friends.

Everyone has tried to help him in one way or another..he lives rent free at my parents so he could get a degree...we have all been very tolerant when really we could easily have not been, but there does come a point when someone needs to help themselves.

He wouldn't listen to me, he would probably shout and swear at me if I even suggested help....and mum and dad won't be much help...they mollycoddle him!

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Original poster
Squirdle · 20/08/2008 23:08

TheHedgeWitch, that is precisely what I have done. I have said to him that I won't apologise for something I haven't done, but if I see him at my parents I will be civil to him and will expect the same.

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lilymolly · 20/08/2008 23:09

Oh dear god its a nightmare isnt it?

My dp is a cocaine addict, and whilst he holds down a job 2 weeks in every month down in dover he returns to the n/e tp live with parents for the rest of the time.

He is 28 with a mental age of god knows what, grunts a lot, makes random noises and generally acts like kevin/perry type teenager.
Has stolen £thousands from mum and dad, robbed from my dead grandfathers wallet, all because he has a massive cocaine addiction.

I and my family have taken him to rehab places, counsellers, etc etc. He refuses help, and mum and dad allow him to stay cos they think he will come of the drugs
He simply keeps clean for a week or so and then gos back to it.
He has a bad attitude, everyone is an arse, thinks the world owes him a living and he has a day dream about buying a house and car but has no money- Totally living in cloud cuckoo land

It is heartbreaking, as a part of you love them cos their family, but I hate him for what he puts us through.

I have decided to try and blank him out of our lifes as much as possible. If we see him, we are civil, but thats about it.

I am doing this to protect my feelings and those of my own family (dp an dd)

Sounds to me like your brother has mental health problems that may be associated with drug use.

lilymolly · 20/08/2008 23:11

D Brother NOT DP is the drug addict

UniversallyChallenged · 20/08/2008 23:11

Does he work for Parcelforce or something??

Wracking brain as to how your message could be to him - though as I have worked with cannibas misusers it is something I have come up against, no ryhme or reason just paranoa

Nat1H · 20/08/2008 23:11

I have been very articulate in the past (have had a mental health problem in the past). I knew exactly what I was saying - was extremely clear in my thoughts at the time, but later, when I got better, realised what an absolute cow I had been. I don't think mollycoddling will help though. He needs to feel like he is alone and has to get the help to survive.
Sorry you are feeling so crap at the moment

Original poster
Squirdle · 20/08/2008 23:12

It is hard isn't it LilyMolly. But I have come to the conclusion that is all I can do now...he has blown it by being so horrible.

I have been very forgiving in the past, but not any more.

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lilymolly · 20/08/2008 23:12

sorry not offering any advice
just that sort of know what you are going through and for you xx

Original poster
Squirdle · 20/08/2008 23:14

UC, so have I!! Nope, he doesn't work at all!

So how would you all have read the 'Off to Wales..have ordered sun, but not sure Parcelforce will deliver on time'?

Because I don't get how it has anything to do with him!

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