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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me make sense of what is going on with my brother.....

40 replies

Squirdle · 20/08/2008 22:11

....because I haven't got a clue any more.

Bit of background. He is 37, still at home with parents (but has lived away from home). He is what you might call a bit of a drifter.

Last week I was on holiday with thankfully no reception. On the way home I recieve a panicky message from my sister saying that our brother has been causing trouble within the family. It is all to do with a message that she sent to our youngest brother which he took the wrong way, elder brother not youngest. So, he sent 2 nasty e-mails to my sister and upset her and my parents (parents believed him)

So I get home at midnight (after a 3 hour journey in a tow truck as DH's car has broken down) and find I also have 2 nasty e-mails from him....and they were nasty.

I couldn't work out why my sisters message to my youngest brother had anything to do with me. It upset me, but I took a day to reply as I needed to get my head around it.

I did reply to him, mainly asking him questions so I could work out what was going on. But, I get more nasty e-mails.

After a while he tells me that the reason he is angry is because I put a status message on Facebook saying 'Off to Wales...have ordered sun, but not sure Parcelforce will deliver on time' Apparently that was a veiled and public attack against him

He is very paranoid (and I have told him so) but I and many others can't see how that could possibly be an attack on him!!

Anyway, the upshot is that I have had enough of him. The e-mails from him contained many nasty and untrue things about me and my family (he actually never really sees us, so I have no idea how he 'knows' all of this)

I can't deal with all of his nonsense any more.

He EXPECTS an apology, which I won't give as I have done nothing wrong, so I guess that is it between us!

It's sad.

OP posts:

Nat1H · 20/08/2008 23:14

Have not had any drup problems BTW

Original poster

Squirdle · 20/08/2008 23:15

I had a wonderful holiday with DH and the boys and even MIL and then came back to this...totally cancelled out my wonderful week

OP posts:

Nat1H · 20/08/2008 23:15

drug I mean

Original poster

Squirdle · 20/08/2008 23:17

Nat you don't need to about a mental health problem.

I can see what you are saying, but he has been unreasonable about a lot of things in the past and is very self centered (although apparently that is what I am )

OP posts:

beanieb · 20/08/2008 23:17

"I do think he has some kind of problem...very much like our mohter, but he wouldn't accept that. "

when you say that do you mean your mum has a mental illness? It may be connected andmay npt be drugs. It's worth investigating this as it could be a mental illness not connected to smoking dope. How much does he smoke? Do you know?

beanieb · 20/08/2008 23:19

Also - can you think of any connection between parcelforce or Wales which may have triggered this?

Original poster

Squirdle · 20/08/2008 23:20

beanieb, he has done a lot of drugs in the past and I do think this is part of the problem and he probably still does. As for my mother, he can be very much like her...very angry at the world...everything is everyone elses fault. There are times when my mother needs help, but I feel it is more 'learned' behaviour with my brother iyswim.

My family really are hard work!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Squirdle · 20/08/2008 23:21

Nope, no connection at all! There simply isn't one!

OP posts:

Original poster

Squirdle · 21/08/2008 09:36

Thanks for all your replies last night, they helped a lot.

I m feeling really quite low about it this morning, but I know I have to shake it off and get on with things.

I really don't think there is anything else I can do or say to sort this out. If I tried to get him some help re the paranoia, I would be shot down in flames....it would be me suggesting something that he wouldn't want to face up to.

I have always treated him with respect, always respected his way of life. Yes I get upset if he speaks about our father in the derogatory tone he usually does and when I have Dad on the phone upset because he is being totlly disrespected by my borther in his own home, but I am very diplomatic about it.

My brother seems to think he has a reason to lord it over the rest of us. He has been living at my parents at his own convenience, but then says that none of us have been there for our parents except him. Dad had a Cardiac arrest last year and it just so happened that my brother was there and turned him on to his side. One of the nasty comments I have had from him is 'Just remember your father could be dead if it wasn't for me. Forget that did you?'
Now it's great that he was there (although I don't think neccessarily that just by turning him over he saved him, I've always said it was great...but we'd have all done it. That comment wasn't neccessary. We are all there for our parents, but the rest of us have families, jobs etc, so can't be there all of the time. 3 of us live quite a way away, including me (for a reason ) but do all we can. The way my brother treats my dad will not help his health and thats what upsets me, but dad is too nice to kick him out and mum thinks the sun shines out of his backside!!!

Before this I didn't really have a problem with my relationship with my parents. Yes I have issues with them, but haven't told them and keep them very separate from my relationship with them and my children. My brother seems to think that he should be the one to tell people things that they should choose to say themselves if they want to.

I can only assume he wanted to cause trouble by starting this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Squirdle · 21/08/2008 09:41

And my parents are actually only 55 and 57 and perfectly capable of sorting things out without our help tbh. I've spoken to mum about this and said what did she need me to do, and that she should ask if she needs help, but she then gets upset because she thinks we think she can't cope! Bah, what do they want from me!!

I know my parents are perfectly capable of leading their own lives and respect that fully. I can't actually see what my brother has done for them in the past year, except drain their finances by not contributing. But I have never said that, it's between them and my brother, no-one else.

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!! >

OP posts:

smithfield · 21/08/2008 10:03

squirdle- sorry you are feeling so low about all of this. I know what you are going through.
My family has a very weird and strained dynamic. There is no open communication because that tends to set everyone off IYKWIM.
Its important you acknowledge your own feelings in all of this. I imagine you probably eperienced a lot of pain as a child as a result of the way your family interacts and those feelings often spill over into adulthood.
It sounds very much like you mother has set this behaviour up and she is probably re-enacting relationships and interactions from her past.
Its a cycle and the best thing you can do is be aware it is 'them' and not you, it 'isnt' normal but they wont change and you must live your life for you and 'your' family unit.

Nat1H · 21/08/2008 10:07

Now I have read a bit more about the family dynamic, I agree completely with smithfield. Don't let him ruin your family unit as well.
Hopefully your mum and dad will come to their senses one day and kick him out!

iMum · 21/08/2008 10:12

tbh, you could be writing abut my brother who after many years of forgiving and trying hard to understand I have now written off. He is a manic depressive so some understanding is nesecery but there comes a point where you have to put yourself first.
I miss who my brother was but not what he is now.

BlingLovin · 21/08/2008 10:15

Squirdle, is he the oldest of your siblings? I don't know why but my older brother, and the older brother of a surprising number of my friends, all seem to display similar symptoms to yours, in varying degrees. My older brother hasn't held down a proper job in 10 years but seems to think I'm a spoilt cow because I can afford things - with the exception of one month when I first arrived in London I have worked FT constantly since I was 22 so I don't feel bad that I now am reaping the benefits of that hard work.

I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions for handling it except to try and stay calm? I find that I have the most mpact on my brother when I refuse to rise to his bait and just calmly tell him what I thinking or feeling and walk away if that doesn't work. I'm sorry it's not that helpful, but know that a lot of people go through this and can emphathise with you. Don't blame yourself.

BlingLovin · 21/08/2008 10:17

Oh, and if it was my brother being at his worst (and to be fair to him, he's been better recently), the facebook message would have pissed him off because he would have seen it as me gloating about my lovely holiday while he was "stuck" at home, no money, no opportunities for holidays. Any chance that's what's up with your brother?

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