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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am totally f*cking hacked off and need to rant

43 replies

youcannotbeserious · 22/07/2008 20:31

my Dh is not here from Monday to Friday, I live alone.

A few weeks ago - strangely coinciding with me having a baby - I started to get silent phone calls from witheld numbers.

So, I called BT and got the service to bar numbers. I only barred two numbers who called here anonmously and put the phone down when I answered. DH was with me for one of the calls.

Well, it turns out that his ex and one of his DDs are now banned from calling our house.

And, guess f*cking what??????????????

This is MY problem for getting the barring service and I have to sort it out Now because I am being unreasonable

So, what???? I'm supposed to just take funny phone calls with a new baby for the fun of it?

F8ck it, I am so mad right now!

OP posts:
posieflump · 22/07/2008 20:32

why were they hanging up on you?

cupsoftea · 22/07/2008 20:32

yanbu - your dh should support you in this

Lauriefairycake · 22/07/2008 20:33

that's just shit.

I would take it off on the condition that they say something when you answer the phone - if they don't I would put it back on. I have this with BT - very simple to change the numbers you want to bar.

lulumama · 22/07/2008 20:34

sorry, was it the ex and DD who were making the calls? if so, he needs to support you.. their behaviour is unacceptable.

what is there to sort out?

pedilia · 22/07/2008 20:36

DH should be supporting you although I am confused as to who was actually making the silent calls.....

mankymummy · 22/07/2008 20:36

tell him it is distressing, he needs to speak to them both, the barring is staying on and if they need to contact him they can contact him on his mobile.

they are being unreasonable not you.

Original poster
youcannotbeserious · 22/07/2008 20:37

posie - i'm sure it's his ex. We don't have the easiest of relationships....

i just don't get why it's my problem when he won't say a thing about why the calls were made i the first place...

i hven't banned nyone. i barred a witheld nmber who waited till i answered the phone then hung up....

and yet i have he problem

OP posts:
Original poster
youcannotbeserious · 22/07/2008 20:38

the calls were made from ex's house and DD's mobile

OP posts:
mankymummy · 22/07/2008 20:39

presumably you dont need to speak to his ex and dd so why cant they just call his mobile if they need to talk to him again?

onepieceoflollipop · 22/07/2008 20:39

Have I understood this right?

Basically you were getting silent calls on your landline (the one that you and your dh presumably share?) You both thought this was unreasonable.

2 numbers were identified. It later turns out they were his ex and one of his dds. He is now at you. It is ok for them to make these weird calls but while he (presumably) thought it was a stranger doing so it wasn't ok?

Original poster
youcannotbeserious · 22/07/2008 20:44

onepieceoflollipop - yep.... that's it in a nutshell..

Except also, it's my fault for havig created over it

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 22/07/2008 20:46

Well they (and he) are out of order (understatement)

If you live alone (as you do in the week) it can be very unsettling and disturbing to have phone calls of this nature. (I had a similar experience but never found out the instigators)

beanieb · 22/07/2008 20:47

Do you feel worried about why she is calling? Maybe she wants to speak to him but won't speak to you because she is jealous? Specially if you have had a baby recently, perhaps she is just feeling bitter that your Husband has had another child? What was their break-up like and do you see your husband's DD?

onepieceoflollipop · 22/07/2008 20:48

Presumably though she is ringing mainly (or always) in the week when the op is "home alone" and her dh is away working. Sounds a bit intimidating and threatening to me if that is the case.

beanieb · 22/07/2008 20:50

Oh right, sorry missed that bit. Then in that case I think that's out of order and he should understand why you had the numbers barred - he needs to talk to her and tell her it's not acceptable behaviour.

Original poster
youcannotbeserious · 22/07/2008 20:53

the calls come when she thiks DH is away... she isn't hoping to speak t him... she's having a pop... no doubt.

Yes, there are reasons the baby might make that worse... i have good relationships wiht my DSDs...

i'm not really having a pop at her for the phone calls... i'm mad at him for not supporting me in wanting to stop them when i'm on my own - if for no other reason that i have to sleep when i can as i#m alone with a small baby

OP posts:
itati · 22/07/2008 20:55

Change your number

ExterminAitch · 22/07/2008 21:02

what about coming up with a story between the two of you (because he isn't being fair and will hopefully see that soon) that BT told you to bar these numbers at least temporarily, so that you can whittle down numbers that have done this... so while they might have had a completely legitimate reason for doing this (like fuck they did ) it's just BT's doing and obviously will be sorted soon.

i do know that misses the point, though, because really, he's not being in the slightest bit reasonable in blaming you for this. how hurtful for you.

Original poster
youcannotbeserious · 22/07/2008 21:12

I can't change the number and, even if I did, he'll give it to them again, THis has happened before.

And, he won't come up with a story because, as far as he sees, this is my problem - if I hadn't barred the number he now wouldn't have to deal with a DD who can't call our home.

I can't see why we should have a story. The numbers were barred because they called our home, witholding the number and hanging up.

Don't do that, and it won't happen.

I just feel like he's taking it out on me, which (IMHO) isn't fair when I'm at home with a new baby on my own and he refuses to pay for any sort of help, even though his ex had a live in Au Pair to help her out.

Oh, and he was SOOOOOOOOOOOO f*cking keen to point out it was his accoutn. Really thinking of just not using the phone anymore.... but then he pays for my mobile too so I'm a bit stuffed.

I know, I need a job!

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/07/2008 21:17

Ummm....yeah maybe but you also need a DP who gives a fucking shit about you. He has to tell his X and DD to sort things out and apologise for harassing you, and promise never to do it again, before you remove it. I seriously can't understand why he's being such an arse. Yeah maybe he does pay for the phone but does that mean you should put up with this shit?

Grrr That makes me mad for you

dittany · 22/07/2008 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ExterminAitch · 22/07/2008 21:25

i completely 100% agree that you shouldn't need a story, because he's not being fair at all.

i suppose i was just trying to offer a place where both of you could compromise a bit, iykwim? at this point you are attacking his dd and ex ('course you are, they're attacking you, but still...) so he's in a position where he has to choose iykwim?

whereas if you say 'look, BT told me to do this, and if it turns out not to be them then of course i'll apologise etc etc' then offer a story to them too, it allows for some wriggle room in the argument.

ExterminAitch · 22/07/2008 21:26

by the way, if you get caller display then you'd be able to not pick up the phone in the evenings to withheld numbers.

rookiemater · 22/07/2008 21:32

Are they ringing during the night, if so could you unplug the phone as if you have a mobile people can get through on that if there is an emergency.

Also I know this is not a helpful way to learn this, but myself and most of the parents I know tend to screen all calls anyway, just because particularly with a very young child, it is hard for people to pick a good time to call and its much easier to call people back when you are in the mood.

It must be really hard for you when DH is away all week. Do you have any family or friends that can help out at all ?

Original poster
youcannotbeserious · 22/07/2008 21:39

Yes, I see, Aitch... I'm going to call BT and get them to unblock the numbers and then not answer the phone to any ID witheld number. They will have to leave a message.....

But, I'd like to say, I am not attacking his DD or his ex. I never barred their numbers. I just barred the ID withheld numbers. I never found out what those numbers were, It only came out later when DD1 couldn't call her dad......

No, ROokie, my family live miles away. We live here to live close to his DDs.

OP posts: