How to stop missing OH and feel more connected to DH?

[WhatAmess1000]

For context this wasn’t an affair but feels like it was

Split with my DH a few years ago after feeling disconnected emotionally ( although the OH was already in my life as we worked together so I do wonder if subconsciously I was making comparisons but I definitely didn’t do it being aware and OH was with someone during this time so nothing was untoward )

Once I split with my DH i started to see this OH about 6 months down the line - all made quite complicated as DH refused to leave the family home and our teenage children which I understood so we agreed to live together until they turned 18

This did mean that for the next 2 years it felt like I was having an affair as my sons were furious with me for breaking up the marriage, constantly saw their dad upset and were very aware their dad would want me back so saw me as the villain completely

Fot this reason OH was never spoken about at all, no meeting the kids etc and I only ever saw him in his area and at his home ( when he didn’t have his child so no crossover there either )

He was funny which was the main pull as DH is ASD like our sons and very logical and doesn’t find many things funny - particularly me which started to grind me down, the sex was amazing as I find him physically my type and we were like best friends however he also was a big avoidant and whenever anything would go wrong his end, mainly as his teenage daughter seemed to be going a little off the rails and the mum was struggling to cope with her so would often just drop her at his door with no warning, he would go very silent and with the distance already between us it just built up and I ended the relationship

I miss him terribly however I couldn’t imagine ever blending the families or even being able to live with him without losing my children who are fiercely loyal to their dad

I do love my DH and he has may qualities I feel very lucky he has but there is a spark missing and I met him at 21 when I had just come out of a chaotic relationship and we rushed ahead and had the boys quickly

I want it to work with him and don’t know how to juggle the feelings of missing things with the OH as well as trying to feel a better connection with my DH so nothing like this ever happens again

Any help gratefully appreciated 😊

What does OH mean? And are you no longer split from your husband, it’s hard to understand.

He's not really your 'other half' is he? Best just forget blokes entirely and enjoy being single, get the divorce properly sorted.

You and your husband broke up years ago, don't try to reconnect with him.

Your DH isn't your person. The OH was someone sent by the universe to show you there is life away from your DH. He's not your person either.

The reason you feel so strongly about him is that he was instrumental in making your split bearable.

Be single, enjoy it, stop making everyone else's issues your issues.

Are you and your DH back together?

I don't think either of these men are right for you.

@MrsTerryPratchett of all the things the universe could 'send', a boyfriend would be so disappointing 😄

So you started another relationship while still living in the family home, with the family?
Yeah, I can see why your son's are upset.
Why did you not leave if you were done with your DH?
I think you need to finish that, have a clean break, and then work on yourself to be in a good place if you decide to start another relationship.

What is a OH? Are you back with your husband?

OH other half? Sounds more like a sex buddy

Move on from both of them

Divorce your "husband"

It sent me around the world after my divorce thank goodness. But good sex seems a decent gift.

Sorry I wrote OH instead of OM ( other man )
hence the explanation about the timeline

Yes I did have a relationship whilst living with my DH as neither of us could afford to rent a flat as well as paying our mortgage so we lived together

As I said this man never met my children and I never met his and we were together over 2 years

I am trying to rebuild things with DH yes

I am trying to rebuild things with DH yes

Why?

Not trying to be glib but asking as a genuine question. Are you still in love with him? Or is it just because it's easier than one of you moving out and starting the divorce process.

Because it doesn't sound like the reasons you split up have gone away particularly, so whats changed that you want to give it a go now?

The relationship with OM didn't work out for a reason so you need to stop romanticising it. You've made the decision to stay with your DH so you have to put all your energies into trying to make it work, and reconnecting with your sons who are understandably hurt and confused.

Maybe start with some couples counselling?

Get yourself to counselling /therapy and work out where you want to be .

On your own initially

Do you have a fear of being alone? None other f these relationships sound like they would bring you happiness

It doesn’t sound like you are trying to build back with DH as if you were then OH/M wouldn’t even be on your mind. This all sounds so half hearted. Is it just for convenience? Sorry I can’t give advice on flimflam.

I don’t have a fear of being alone but I do have a fear of losing my sons as they grow older and no doubt choose to live with their dad once this family home is no more if we aren’t to fix things

I don’t think the feeling of being “ in love “ has been enough for me to stay in relationships so I don’t want to put too much weight on my feelings as I find they can change quite suddenly based on external factors which is very unhelpful for me and of course for everyone else sround

This isn’t strictly true

Ive been no contact with the other man since May and have changed my whole career so that I never ever have to see him again taking a big pay cut

I am committed to making it work with my husband - I just wanted advice on how to feel differently but that isn’t to say practically Im not doing all the right things

I am in therapy and we start couples therapy after Xmas - DH not very open with communication so has been very against this for a long time but has now agreed

It’s really difficult to understand, which is why people are asking questions.

so basically you ended your marriage, were already interested in this bloke, got with him six months later, spent two years with him,

continued to live with your husband dumped the other guy and got back with your husband and feel no spark,

you say it felt like an affair, are you sure it wasn’t?

No one can make you feel something you don’t op,

You can't fix things with your DH. It is done. You can't force feelings that aren't there and you can't make yourself fall in love with your DH again because you don't want to upset your kids. People split up, marriages end and your kids need to just accept that and get on with it. It is not a case of them being fiercely loyal to their dad, it's control. They need to grow up and realise that you deserve a happy life and dad doesn't make you happy. Stop pandering to them, be brave and live your life.

Why?

Your husband sounds like an absolute arse.
Are you just doing this for the kids and to keep the peace?

It seems that way.

Great to hear about all the practical steps. Would have been even better to have heard them in your first post. But you’re asking an impossible question - asking other people how you can ‘feel’ differently. We can’t influence how you feel. Either you feel it was the right thing to do and you’re committed to moving forward… or you don’t feel that way. How can we tell you how to feel? Honestly - commit or don’t. Practical steps are a good way forward but if your heart isn’t in it… what a waste of time for all involved. And if you want my genuine opinion… this person turned your head - you just need to ask yourself why. It also sounds like an overlap to me. Most people who separate, dating anyone else is the last thing on your mind. I’m not blaming you but I am not sure you’re being truthful even to yourself and seeking some sort of validation for ‘going back’ from people on here…I might be wrong. Or I might be very right.

I was going to say that you need to make your mind up. But I think you have. You’ve decided you want to ignore your feelings and make the best of a very poor situation with your husband. If that’s all you want from life then crack on. But the reason your feelings are not going away is because you’re deliberately ignoring them and not doing what, deep down, you really want to do.