How to stop missing OH and feel more connected to DH?

[WhatAmess1000]

For context this wasn’t an affair but feels like it was

Split with my DH a few years ago after feeling disconnected emotionally ( although the OH was already in my life as we worked together so I do wonder if subconsciously I was making comparisons but I definitely didn’t do it being aware and OH was with someone during this time so nothing was untoward )

Once I split with my DH i started to see this OH about 6 months down the line - all made quite complicated as DH refused to leave the family home and our teenage children which I understood so we agreed to live together until they turned 18

This did mean that for the next 2 years it felt like I was having an affair as my sons were furious with me for breaking up the marriage, constantly saw their dad upset and were very aware their dad would want me back so saw me as the villain completely

Fot this reason OH was never spoken about at all, no meeting the kids etc and I only ever saw him in his area and at his home ( when he didn’t have his child so no crossover there either )

He was funny which was the main pull as DH is ASD like our sons and very logical and doesn’t find many things funny - particularly me which started to grind me down, the sex was amazing as I find him physically my type and we were like best friends however he also was a big avoidant and whenever anything would go wrong his end, mainly as his teenage daughter seemed to be going a little off the rails and the mum was struggling to cope with her so would often just drop her at his door with no warning, he would go very silent and with the distance already between us it just built up and I ended the relationship

I miss him terribly however I couldn’t imagine ever blending the families or even being able to live with him without losing my children who are fiercely loyal to their dad

I do love my DH and he has may qualities I feel very lucky he has but there is a spark missing and I met him at 21 when I had just come out of a chaotic relationship and we rushed ahead and had the boys quickly

I want it to work with him and don’t know how to juggle the feelings of missing things with the OH as well as trying to feel a better connection with my DH so nothing like this ever happens again

Any help gratefully appreciated 😊

100% - because if she was was happy with her new course she wouldn’t be asking strangers on here now would she?

Does your husband know about your ex boyfriend?

I wasn’t happy the other way though either so it’s not as simple as that

No affair at all and no overlap

It’s not conventional no but not an affair as the other man was in a relationship until about 6 months after my separation at least

DH does know I was seeing someone but asked no questions - didn’t want to know anything but has always been open to us trying again

You're not yet divorcing your husband because of housing, not mutual love and cherishing each other.
You could agree to continue living as housemates, dating other people and kicking the divorce down the road. Or continue in what seems to be a farce, to stay unhappily in the same house as your teenagers.
They'll think this is normal, a blueprint for their future relationships.

Either divorce or having marriage counselling. Or try marriage counselling and divorce if that's what you decide is best. Your children will adjust if you and your husband can be calm, sensible and realistic about all of this.

Put the OH out of the equation for now.

Maybe you could postpone joint counselling with your husband until you have finished your own individual counselling sessions and have been able to decide what you want out of life.