I like him a lot but I also worry that I might be conforming

[Wivvern]

I am in a relatively new relationship and things have been going really well. I am starting to feel in love but also wondering where the catch is. He funny, witty, very charming, educated (bit posh though), has a very well paid job, and the sex is amazing.
On the other hand he is a bit demanding and seems put off when I hold up boundaries and don't prioritize him.

I have a DD who is probably at an age where she'd be happy to see less of me at the weekends, but I don't want to (and feel that I shouldn't have to) de-prioritize time with her even if she prefers to spend it with friends. To be fair he has never said anything and just accepted me pushing back on this. On other matters not so much.
He admittedly seems to have a lot more experience in the dating world than me and whilst I enjoy our time together there have been moments when I wondered why on earth I went along with some of it. Again, nothing bad or dangerous, but looking back the next day I felt like that didn't seem like me, even though I enjoyed it.

I'm not sure how to describe it really. I absolutely love our time together but I sometimes wonder why I turn into someone else when I'm with him and do things that I normally wouldn't. This isn't just about sex btw but in general. It's quite disorientating.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain from typing this down, apart from maybe hearing some thoughts from others who re-entered the dating world after a long break and who find it equally difficult to prioritize themselves sometimes.

What do you mean turn into someone else? In the bedroom or something else? What is it he is coercing you to do

Surely in a new relationship both have to adapt and compromise. If it’s all one way then dump

Can you describe how you change?

I echo PPs’ questions about what you mean by ‘conform’ and ‘change’.

In your shoes I would start saying ‘no’ a lot. No, that doesn’t work for me. No, I can’t see you, I have other plans. No, I don’t want to. See how he copes. If, as I suspect, he’s not pleased, you have your answer about whether this is a relationship you should pursue.

And if you can’t prioritise yourself, you shouldn’t be dating.

Please find Richard Grannon online and research narcissistic behaviour in terms of boundary setting and how they react. It’s very easy to be charmed into a relationship with these people who turn out to be wolves in disguise. Who test boundaries early on and employ coercive control. Your spidey senses are working!

If he's a bit off with you when you assert your boundaries and he wants you to prioritise him, chances are that this relationship is not the one for you. Do you have the slight inkling that he sees you as a subordinate?

Probably bedroom mainly, but also some other things like getting onto a dodgy looking speed boat or trying a food I wasn't that curious about knowing. Like all of it was fine and probably me being a bit more hesitant about things when he just jumps at anything.

Have you said no? No, I don’t think that’s looks safe so I won’t be getting in? No, I don’t like doing that? No, I hate shellfish?

I'll have a look thank you.

Yes of course. And I normally would stick to it but he keeps wearing me down with his excitement. I think that maybe I don't want to be a spoil sport at times. And to be fair I have enjoyed the experiences but I also somehow know that this isn't me. I don't know how to explain it.

He's suggesting new things that you feel unsure about but you do them anyway, and enjoy them.

How do you feel afterwards? Do you regret "conforming"?

I agree with PP who suggest telling him no at times, and see if he accepts that.

Keep an eye on this op. It might just be new relationship stuff but I felt like this (and ignored it!) at the beginning of the relationship with my ex who turned out to have big narcissistic traits (and I know this gets bandied around, but I am 100% sure on this). It he starts wanting you to prioritise him more, or feeling like you have to put his needs first, put him on a pedestal etc, dump him. They start off amazing but soon start training you to shrink yourself.

No one wears you down with ‘excitement’. He’s not listening to you when you say no. And you’re reinforcing the message that ‘no’ means ‘Maybe’ by not sticking to your guns. I think it’s a dangerous precedent with this kind of man, especially if he’s pressuring you to do sexual things that aren’t your bag.

Sexual coercion is obviously bad, but in trying new foods and new experiences, "I've enjoyed the experiences but just know somehow it isn't me" doesn't sound so much like it was a problem as it sounds like you have a pretty fixed idea of who you are, but when you enjoy new things, you have some degree of cognitive dissonance about that. It's not a bad thing to try new things, and trying something once doesn't mean you have to do it again if you don't like it, or indeed even if you do like it and then choose not to.

I wouldn't suggest saying no for the sake of it, because you might be closing yourself off to things that are new, but that you would enjoy.

But slow it down. Ensure he gives you enough time to think and decide freely. Ensure whatever decision you come to, it's your own, freely made. Explain that's what you're doing. And if he keeps pushing, then that is definitely a red flag. But encouraging you to try new things and sharing his excitement, that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it really depends whether it's just sharing his enthusiasm, or actually pushing you, and so slowing down will help you see which it is.

It doesn't sound like you're compatible. You won't be able to keep up with 'conforming' for very long. Once you stop he will either see you're not who he thought you were and end it or he will show himslef to be an abusive man and will make you conform.
I am really struggling to understand what is actually going on right now and if it is you or him. You end up enjoying what he suggests, is it that you're too rigid/reserved and need a push to enjoy yourself? Or i are you worried about consequences if you don't engage? Are you feeling pushed in to sex acts too or just activities and food?

Listen to your gut OP. if you don’t feel like yourself after spending time with him then it is not good for you

He sounds like he could be controlling and manipulative. No one should be wearing you down. Is he testing your boundaries ? These are all narcissistic traits. You shouldn’t be getting on any dodgy looking speedboats, you have a daughter to think about. Even if she is growing up she will need you for a very long time to come. If he has so much going for him with everything you list why was he still single ? What’s his relationship history like ? The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube talks about women wanting to be the ‘cool girl’ and go along with things in relationships even when our instincts are telling us otherwise, it can be a learnt behaviour if you are a people pleaser for example but it can be dangerous with toxic people who are looking to take advantage of your giving nature. Do you think he wouldn’t like you the way you are if you were honest and just said no to things ? Why do you feel the need to please him and go along with it, are you used to not putting yourself first ? You might need to do some work on yourself and learning to set boundaries.

If you feel that something is off or wrong it's usually because it is

Probably a bit of both. Definitely a bit worried about letting him down, but I have to admit that he accepted push back on some things that were non negotiables, although he was frustrated which I ignored.

When I met my DP I started going to see a lot of bands because that’s what he’d always loved doing and he was buying us both tickets. I had never really done it before but I absolutely love it now, and we travel all over Europe to see our favourite acts - so in one sense he ‘pushed’ me into doing someone I’d never have done without him, but I have never felt unsafe, or that I was changing who I was, or that he wanted me to be anyone other than me. And for you, it sounds like that’s where the problem lies. If you’re not comfortable or feel unsafe then your gut is telling you something, and it’s ok to end it before it goes any further.

Red flags waving.

Why are you worried about ‘letting down’ someone you barely know, and whose temper seems uncertain, to put it mildly, if he’s visibly frustrated when you say no and stick to it? That doesn’t sound good at all. Would you like your daughter to be going out with someone who tries to pressure her into sexual and other stuff she doesn’t want to do, and is ‘frustrated’ when she sticks to her guns? Do you think you’re modelling a healthy relationship for her?

Or are you one of those Brits foreigners find inexplicable, who like being bossed around by a posh boy?

He's disrespecting you. New relationships are light and non-confrontational. As PP said your spidey senses are working. Take note and back off a little and watch his response.

I have felt like this in a couple of relationships - that I was acting out of character, maybe taking more risks than I usually would etc. At the time it felt almost positive - liberating - but these later became very coercive and toxic relationships.

It's impossible for us to know whether yours is or not, on the basis of the thread alone, but please please please proceed with caution.

The fact that you are concerned about it to the point of. starting the thread is a worrying sign, perhaps. Please trust your gut - stay safe. Xxx

When you say he "accepted push back" - what would him not accepting it have looked like? What choice did he have?

The language you use is worrying me - almost like he is taking the shape of an authority figure in your head, if that makes sense?