Am I crazy?

[FastAzureFinch]

So this morning I found my husband urinating in the kitchen sink, he was just standing there doing it as if it's a very normal thing to do, I couldn't believe my eyes and he'd just come from the bathroom, I was just so shocked that a grown man could do that, a fight broke out and he called me mental because I completely lost it, this was on top of something my teenage son did earlier in the week on Monday which completely shattered my trust, I was heartbroken and crushed, I haven't spoken to my son since Monday, have received no support with it from husband, but that's a separate story. Anyway am I mental? It's 02:21 am and I keep seeing that image if my husband standing at the kitchen sink, I can't sleep, I'm in pain due to fibromyalgia flare up due to the extreme stress caused by my son. My husband lied and cheated his way through 7 years of marriage, constantly, making profiles on dating/chat rooms sites, receiving dirty pics, taking dik pics, text messages, affair with ex gf, caution for prostitution, every time I questioned him he made up pathetic lame excuses or confused me so much I questioned myself, he is also a heavy weed smoker, lazy, never helps with house hold chores because he thinks he is exempt as he works fulltime, we've slept separately for last 16 years of an 18 year marriage,and today after I saw him urinating in the sink, which I suspect was not the first time, I just can't get it out my head, he already disgusted me but I feel this was the final straw, he's also acting like the reasonable parent in front of my son after Monday's incident to make me look like the villain. Can anyone help, because I can't take anymore, I just have nothing left to give, I feel miserable and depressed and anxious, where can I go for help?

Hes disgusting. I also feel like in doing this hes trying to show contempt for you. Its an act of aggression

I don't understand why though, I do everything, I do the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry (not his) I put the rubbish out, but yet I have to ask permission if I want to heat on, I wanted curtains but he said no, I can't even buy anything for the house because he calls it crap, if I want to use the car he told me I need to put petrol in first even though he knows I'm out of work at the moment, I don't understand any of this

He's abusive. Do you understand that you are being abused?

He sounds like an abusive arsehole.

You're not crazy. He's an abuser. When are you going to leave? You could begin to get your ducks in a row at any time.

When I stopped giving abusive men access to me, my autoimmune illness went quiet. I wonder if the same could happen for you and your fibromyalgia.

You're not crazy.

Oh he also said it's his kitchen sink and he can do what he likes, I have no idea how to leave, don't know where to start, the house is in his name, I have no where to go, I don't want to be homeless, I have no income, no job, I feel trapped

How old are you? What's your work history? First step IMO is to find work. Do you have any friends or family you can crash with?

Is the house owned or rented ?
Anyone you can stay with?
I think you need to try and get a job , does your health allow that? Can you claim benefits ?
I think it will be difficult but it is possible.
Can you speak to a DV charity?

I'll be 47 in less than 2 weeks, I've worked for most of the marriage but due to the chronic stress and anxiety I have found it hard to keep a job, I got made redundant from my last job in January 2025 after working there for 3.5 yrs, I had a ft job during the summer but again due to the stress and anxiety I left, I don't get any benefits, I have no confidence or self esteem and I'm struggling to find a job now

The house is owned, we have a mortgage, I have my parents, but my adult brothers live there who I don't really get on with, I don't have many friends left, and there is nowhere else I can go, I don't see a way out

Could you go onto universal credit, tell them you left for health reasons, you could be declared unfit to work.

Go to the council, tell them you're in an abusive relationship and need housing. Suspect first step would be temporary housing, possibly not the most charming accommodation but hopefully temporary and a step in the right direction. Depends which part of the country you're in, I suspect all councils have long waiting lists.

Your husband sounds like a fucking idiot, try and interact with him less. He's disgusting, he's done you a favour, he's showing you he's a POS and it's time to move on.

No you're not crazy, your husband is immature and selfish, he's acting like a teenager. Sorry to hear about your son. That's tricky.

By the sounds of it you've been livng the last 16 (at least) years of your life in a shitty relationship that has destroyed your self confidence. It isn't going to get any better. You need to stop looking at all the negatives of the alternatives, take a leap of faith and get yourself into a position where you have some options and can actually start to build something better. You can't do that with him. It is scary. It will probably take you time to build up the courage. But you need to try. You don't get a do over with life. This is it.

Talk with Women's Aid if they have capacity in your area, or another support group. Go and see a solicitor and find out what you'd likely be entitled to when you divorce.

What's the deal with your DC?

Him weeing in the sink is the least of your problems here. He's an abusive arsehole but has been for years, this is nothing new. Also shows how dim he is as his own cups etc are being washed in that sink...

Your relationship with your son though is more important. Unfortunately he'll have had his entire life with that gem of a man as a role model so it's not surprising that he's done something that's broken your trust - it's how you've both raised him to believe women should be treated. However, I'd be trying to sort that out. Not talking to your own child all week is not ok.

You have a good employment history, so that's a good start. I suggest contacting a domestic violence charity to help you get on your feet. Will any of your old friends potentially help if you explain?

Please contact Women's Aid OP. It sounds like you have been subjected to emotional/mental and financial abuse for a long time. This is probably why you're suffering from mental health/stress and anxiety and that will definitely make your fibromyalgia worse. You need some help and support to get yourself away from him. Are you married? If so the house is a marital asset even if it's just in his name. Get yourself some legal advice and advice about housing. Speak to your local council and tell them you need to flee domestic abuse - they will house you. You can also speak to Citizen's Advice about claiming benefits while you look for suitable employment. Don't stay in this situation, you are the victim of abuse and I know you feel trapped, but there is help out there. Call Women's Aid as a first step -

https://womensaid.org.uk/

You are not crazy, you are abused. Women's Aid or Refuge will help you. It may seem hopeless now, but there is a way out, you just need help getting there.

I actually genuinely don't understand anything at the moment, I feel confused, isolated and scared, I'm too scared to call any DV charity, I don't know how they can help, he told me I'm abusing him, my mind is all jumbled up

You’re not crazy. Pissing in the sink is a contemptuous power move on his part.

Women’s Aid exists for people who know something is wrong but can’t imagine how to fix it. Women’s Aid exists for people just like you. Please contact them. Once you’re free of him you’ll wonder why it took you so long.

I'm too scared to call any DV charity, I don't know how they can help

You may not know yet, but they know. Give them a chance to talk to you about it.

If you have been married for 18 years then the house is a marital asset if you are in the UK. The starting point for settlement is 50/50 after 7 years no kids.. you have 18 years one kid so don’t fret too much about whose name it’s in. It’s matrimonialized now.

Go to the council and tell them you are a victim of DV. They will sign post you to a support worker who will sort out temporary housing and point you in the right direction for divorce..

Simple question - why on earth are you with him

You are married to this vile specimen. That means the house being in his sole name is irrelevant, and you are legally entitled to a proportion of its value.

You're crazy to have put up with everything he's put you through so far!

But that's nnot helpful, sorry, hopefully you can get the support you need to leave x

He giving you spaghetti head is what abusers do to their chosen target ie you in this case. Your H has abused you ( and in turn your son) throughout your marriage. He has made you feel confused isolated and scared: he’s got you where he wants you.

The first step out is often the hardest to take and one you must do on your own. I implore you to contact Womens Aid. Alternatively if you can go to boots the chemist ask for Ani. The staff will direct you to a private room where you can access domestic violence support services. Do not under estimate yourself here. You have made progress already by writing about him in here so keep going.