Am I crazy?

[FastAzureFinch]

So this morning I found my husband urinating in the kitchen sink, he was just standing there doing it as if it's a very normal thing to do, I couldn't believe my eyes and he'd just come from the bathroom, I was just so shocked that a grown man could do that, a fight broke out and he called me mental because I completely lost it, this was on top of something my teenage son did earlier in the week on Monday which completely shattered my trust, I was heartbroken and crushed, I haven't spoken to my son since Monday, have received no support with it from husband, but that's a separate story. Anyway am I mental? It's 02:21 am and I keep seeing that image if my husband standing at the kitchen sink, I can't sleep, I'm in pain due to fibromyalgia flare up due to the extreme stress caused by my son. My husband lied and cheated his way through 7 years of marriage, constantly, making profiles on dating/chat rooms sites, receiving dirty pics, taking dik pics, text messages, affair with ex gf, caution for prostitution, every time I questioned him he made up pathetic lame excuses or confused me so much I questioned myself, he is also a heavy weed smoker, lazy, never helps with house hold chores because he thinks he is exempt as he works fulltime, we've slept separately for last 16 years of an 18 year marriage,and today after I saw him urinating in the sink, which I suspect was not the first time, I just can't get it out my head, he already disgusted me but I feel this was the final straw, he's also acting like the reasonable parent in front of my son after Monday's incident to make me look like the villain. Can anyone help, because I can't take anymore, I just have nothing left to give, I feel miserable and depressed and anxious, where can I go for help?

Op
Stop trying to figure him out. He’s not a wonderful puzzle and there’s no prize for figuring it out. He will never change and he will never ‘wake up’ to how much he really loves you and be grateful. There’s no happy ending here.
Just set yourself free

My husband lied and cheated his way through 7 years of marriage, constantly, making profiles on dating/chat rooms sites, receiving dirty pics, taking dik pics, text messages, affair with ex gf, caution for prostitution

Pissing in the sink is the least of your worries, frankly

i once had a similar episode when my ExH blew his snot onto our house floor instead of getting a tissue and then said "you clean it." It took me two more years to get out but i did. And i will never accept that degrading behaviour again.

There is a way out. But, trust me i have been there, you can only get out if you step up and change yourself. That means coping with your anxiety and keeping a steady job in order to get your freedom. It means taking your life into your hands and seeing yourself to safety, one step at time.

one way to unjumble your mind is to start to write things down everyday. what actually happens. keep a log. it helps you to grip reality.

He deserves to have toilet bowl scrubbed with his toothbrush.

First poster got it

This is mental! Haven’t read all the messages but that is utterly disgusting behaviour and there is no need for it other than just to be a dick. I read that you are out of work at the moment, which can make the prospect of leaving scary and difficult, but please try to leave. Womens aid could possibly help, or family or friends.

OP, this is the straw that has broken the camels back. You have suffered years of abuse and have been so worn down by it you can't see a way out. But there is one. Please phone Women's Aid when you have the first safe opportunity to do so and tell them everything you have written here. They will guide and support you and help you to take the next step to leaving your despicable husband.

This really went downhill fast. What a pig.

Abusers love to play the victim. Rule 1 of their playbook. Call women's aid and ask for advice.

Sounds like weeing in the sink is the least of your problems, was hr high at the time? Why are you with him?

I am disabled and I get you are scared and vulnerable but believe me Women’s Aid is the best place for you.
I understand the health issues but part of the reason your body is shutting down is due to the abuse. To be quite frank, if you stay with him it will reduce your lifespan.
My best advice would be to go to the GP. You can say it’s a health issue but be very frank about what is happening.
They will help you get some support.
I can remember my dad using the sink once after my mum had died. He had a terminal illness and I can remember he told me and he was sobbing. So a healthy man is doing it out of hatred.
None of this is your fault and you have equity in that home and you are also entitled to benefits. You don’t have to live this I can promise you that.

WHY are you still with him?

A domestic abuse charity will help you by talking through what’s happened, discussing your options and helping you consider your safety and well being. They will know what support is available locally to you . They are there to help and should explain everything to you

Thank you to everyone who has responded, it was hard reading, and some of you mentioned that Friday's incident is the least of my problems, but it was the first time I've caught him red handed, and it was the most disgusting and despicable thing for me, I've felt sick and incredibly anxious all weekend, stuck upstairs in my bedroom, in the past with the lying and cheating it wasn't that I caught him in the act it was just evidence which I found, he of course lied through his teeth and denied everything and made me all confused , but something changed in me on Friday, I can't live like this anymore, so I have been making plans to leave, he is a filthy disgusting human being, but what I don't get and sorry if it sounds like a dumb question, if he has so much hatred for me why can't he just ask me to leave? Or leave himself?

You are expecting this man to behave with the same decency you have.
He won’t. He stays because he wants to, because he gets to take his anger out on you. It makes him feel better about himself to put you down.
He is an abuser and this is what abusers do.
There is no point trying to analyse them or predict how they might behave it is a waste of time.
You are especially vulnerable because of your physical needs but you are not without hope.
Please make the first step and talk to your GP. My friend was able to leave with small children and she was in a wheelchair from the injuries he inflicted upon her.
Like you did on Friday, there was a moment when she’d had enough.
The health you have now needs preserving and the conditions you are living in will further destroy it, I am afraid. But please don’t lose heart because without that stress you will be surprised how your body responds.
You say he makes you feel confused? That’s just manipulation and fear because you sound very intelligent and clear-thinking to me.
My friend’s ex told her nobody would want her due to her physical issues as his parting shot. She didn’t want to meet anyone for a while but she did. He is a lovely, caring man.
The place you are in right now, stuck upstairs like a hostage whilst he is pissing in the sink is hell.
You deserve better. Take that one first step.

Please don’t try to make sense of what he’s doing in terms of how it would make you feel if you did the same.

He is broken. It is not your job to fix him. (You may yet be able to fix your relationship with your son, but only if you get away from your husband.)

In my experience these bullies are deeply inadequate and insecure people. They have no strong sense of self, but controlling others props up their fragile egos and lack of confidence.

But as PP, don't waste your energy trying to analyse him. Use it all on yourself and make a fabulous new life.

Glad you're feeling like this is the catalyst you needed to get out.

Given you've got an 18 year marriage, the house isn't just his, you'll likely be entitled to half of it, half of all savings and investments, half of his pension etc as well. So make sure you get copies of all the financial documents and take them to a lawyer. Do it first, before moving out, as they often advise you not to move out, and it's possible there might be a way for you to stay in the house and him to need to move, at least temporarily while you deal with the finances from the divorce.

He's also left the kitchen in a complete mess, I don't know what to do, it's like he leaves me no choice but to clean it because he doesn't mind living in filth 😢😢😢😢

Half of all of the assets are yours, and you have more choices than you might think. Take the advice re contacting aid agencies and get your life started.

Op you wouldn’t want someone like him to like you. he is incapable for reasons to like anyone. There is no rush here. Over the next few days you will settle enough to calm and a way forward will slowly emerge, I promise. Are you eating? Sleeping? What helps when you’re anxious?

I feel, very tearful all the time, I've been trying to avoid him as much as I can, I spend most of the time in my bedroom as he's off sick from work so it's made me feel worse, I find him intimidating, and his mood swings are horrible, I feel much calmer and happier when he isn't here, nothing is helping with the anxiety, I go to sleep anxious and wake up anxious, I feel nauseous due to anxiety, eating because otherwise I feel worse, I feel like I'm in hell 😢😢😢😢

You're going to be so much happier after you've left him. Have you contacted Women's Aid yet?

You don't need to understand him or what he has done.

You just need to leave him.

Coukd you phone Womens Aid, or send them an email?