Red flags you minimised / ignored

[Playedandfurious]

Trying to make my way out of the pits of heartbreak so lets hear some other red flag stories that you minimised / didnt realise until way too late. Let's save each other!

Mine
Did not really meet any of his friends / family
Only met an uncle when we were out randomly for drinks
Phone often on silent and never out of his reach
Never took photos of the two of us.
Would not connect phone to my car for mapping. Preferred to use an awkward phone holder
(Friend said later this was due to last seen destinations? I didnt know this was a thng but he worked in.comms)
Never used to see him on a Sunday. Now presume sunday was date night with whoever else he was seeing.
Always caused an argument if we were due to go away. I didnt see this pattern until way too late.

Married?

I'm not sure most of those are necessarily red flags:
I don't have any family, though 6mth+ relationships will meet my friends.
Phone on silent and with me, and I don't share passwords/access.
Don't take photos (of anything, but also not of/with partners). I don't have social media either.
I use a phone holder not mapping, but that's in my car as well as others, cos I prefer the interfaces.

My red flags:
Spoke about people he'd fallen out with in the past, always in a "I'm so misunderstood" way. (TBF, I did call him out on this).
Spoke about lots of friends but rarely actually went out with them.
Regularly ignored calls/messages from others - and then from me after the honeymoon period was over.
Overly enmeshed with family, esp mother.
Had no relationships longer than 4 years, even ex wife and mother of his child.
Freaked out & caused an argument if there were ever plans made in advance, even e.g. when specifically tailored to him, such as to see a band/comedian he loves.
Rarely wanted to commit to anything in advance.
But then he had many lovely qualities too, they usually do to draw you in.

Mine wasn't married/with anyone else, just had a bunch of mental health issues and emotional immaturity.

everything he did involved alcohol

was never able to have a conversation about something that upset me as he didn't want to talk about it

he would take the piss out of people then say it was a joke if they got upset

He put me down a lot but always said it was a joke. But it wore me down and even his own friends sometimes commented on it.

We only got to see each other at weekends. I arrived at his house once and he said the neighbours were having a party. But only he was invited. So he went... And I just sat alone in his house like a lemon.

He seriously considered inviting his Mum to his work Christmas party instead of me.

We planned a romantic weekend to his family's holiday home, only for him to tell me I couldn't go because he was going with his Mum instead. She'd found out we were going and said she wanted to go instead of me.

The list is very long tbh and with hindsight I am embarrassed that I didn't challenge this behaviour at the time.

Im old so there were a long time ago -

Had a psycho ex ........
Had another phsycho ex.........
Very , very vain, couldnt laugh at himself.

Threw a tantrum because I had to work .
Violent

I stayed longer than I should.

He isolated me from friends.
told me if it weren’t for him I’d be nothing.
Insanely jealous.
everything revolved around alcohol
He “worked away” a lot, that was code for had another woman who he had stay in our house while I was on a break away with my mum, he accidentally sent me a miss you message that was meant for her

How he had treated his ex wife and also his ex fiancee.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.

I was extremely shy and introverted as a young woman, so didn't have many boyfriends. Husband was my first 'real love', so I clung on to him despite the flags.

He was selfish from the start, putting his hobby before me at all times.
He didn't do his share of household chores (or hardly any).
He was reckless with money.
He got nasty if I refused sex. Once he literally kicked me out of the bed and told me 'fuck off back to your mother'.
His mother hated that I was taking her precious son away from her and was horrible to me.
When we got engaged we had my ring made. He asked me to put it on my credit card and he'd give me the money. He never did.

I ignored everything like a mug. This was over 40 years ago, pre internet, and I could have done with the likes of Mumsnet to talk sense into me. I endured a miserable 40 years of emotional and financial abuse, too weak to leave. He's deceased now and I'm finally free.

Had a harem of exes who he saw 1:1 and zero male friends

Had an uneasy relationship with his Mum

Lovebombed

Rushed things

No I dont think he was married. Just liked to compartmentalise his life. I presumed he was quite private but it was actually secrecy. I felt it was just a matter of time before he softened and included me in more things. How silly of me.!

He definitely could have included me in a few family things if he wanted. Eg, watching a sport that they went to.
Im

I found out recently, that he did similar to a previous gf. No family intros, trips away, no visits to his house even. She thought he was an avoidant with alcohol issues. Maybe she was right. Im not sure if it makes me feel better or not.

Many years ago:

• Insisted that I go with him to events/gatherings with his family and friends then when we got there ignored me and/or put me down
• Refused to come with me to any event with my friends and family
• Lots of 'future faking'
• Obsessed with an ex. Claimed they had moved on and were now friends (which I'm certain she thought too) but would drop everything if she called, cancel all plans to make sure he was available if she mentioned she 'might' be in the area etc.
• Had a friend who was openly insulting and inappropriate towards me, and brushed it off as 'banter'. Even when other friends called it out.

On our 4th or 5th date, he mentioned he had to return a faulty item to a shop. I went in with him while he explained it was faulty and no he didn’t have a receipt. The shop gave him a refund in the form
of a gift card.

He later told me he’d not actually bought it from that shop but from a different company/chain on the other side of town but didn’t want to make the journey. So he’d basically conned a shop into giving him a gift card for a faulty item that he’d never even bought from them. He lied so easily as well! I was really uncomfortable with it but by that point I really liked him and I dismissed it.

Not surprisingly he turned out to be a compulsive liar.

I missed the same two red flags with two guys back to back and I'll never ignore them again:

• Both told me some variation on "my mum is my priority" -> both turned out to be the MILs from hell
• Both permanently skint

There are lots of reg flags I ignored, especially as I wanted kids and felt my bodyclock was ticking.

Definitely the main one was mistaking complete emotional unavailability for just playing it a bit cool. My last two boyfriends wore their heart on their sleeves and I quite liked that the new one was playing it cooler and a bit more mysterious.

We had kids and I stayed for years for the kids but it was the loneliest marriage to a very cold fish. He needs therapy as he is the most respressed person on the planet but he thinks everyone else is the problem so will never change.

I look back and I can see the red flags were glaringly obvious. I cant understand how I thought he was just playing it cool.

Lovebombed. No male friends. Didn't like me going out with my friends. Had crazy exes. Was quite rude in the way he spoke to his lodger. I lasted a year.

Skint. Yes this too. He was always skint if it was something I wanted to do yet found money to go out with others. (Female colleagues, 10 years younger for example)

Although this was towards the end of our relationship not at the beginning.

I understand this. You possibly thought, oh this guy is different to my ex's, maybe I need a change of personality from the last two and slow realisation of this is off but then you were stuck.
Hope you are doing better without him.

I hope to do better without my bf but currently struggling to see his bad points in full hence the post.

He sounds like he's on the spectrum somewhere.

He's diagnosed ADHD and anxiety. Definitely not autistic. But past undealt with small-t trauma from childhood bullying etc.

Regardless, we're not rehab for men who won't do the work on their own behalf.

100%

Plenty of people with ADHD/Autism get through life without these red flags.

The female 'best friend' who he spent ALL his time with. He was always busy working but somehow found time to go to concerts, sports events with this one person and would rearrange his work schedule to do so.

Another guy: dating one year and one day he sits me down to tell me he was married previously (no issue with that) but not officially divorced yet as she had left the country and he didnt know where she was to be able to notify her of the divorce and he needed 1000 GBP to hire a PI to locate her. Guess who loaned him the money [P.S. I never got it back].

Love my single life now.

I think when hormones are involved our brains sometimes trick us into seeing what we want to see. Also in the early days these types of men usually put on a bit of an act to appear to be something they are not.

I am doing great now thanks. I divorced him this year and although still living together our house is now sold so i hope to move into my new place before christmas. I have grieved what should have been and made peace with it.

I waited until my youngest went to uni as i was worried about the impact of them having to spend half the week with him alone. So its been half my life in this toxic relationship. The only way i got through was thinking of myself as a single mum and me and the kids have functioned as a unit of 3 living with a slightly annoying lodger!

I dont regret the relationship as my kids mean the world to me but I am sad that old me was so hopeful despite all the obvious red flags. And I am sad that he doesnt try to be a better person for his kids. He blames the world rather than looking inwards and self reflection. The kids have no emotional connection with him and dont want to spend time with him.

So i would say look hard at the possible red flags and dont wear rose tinted specs like I did.

I hope you’re enjoying your freedom after all that time, making up a bit for the lost years. I reckon there are many in the same or similar boats as you. No such thing as the internet, Mumsnet, speaking out, and understanding that certain behaviours are coercive and unacceptable.

The secrecy I can relate to. Over time it became obvious he was a porn addict so that explained the technology secrecy. But he was also like this about wider family. He wouldnt talk on the phone to his relatives if I was in the room he would sneak out into the garden.

I used to think what on earth is so secret he cant talk in front of me. This is throughtout the 25yrs we were together. He also never told me news about his wider family and it made me look like an idiot at family gatherings. Like you i kept thinking it will get better when... have kids, get married, get the dream home etc. It never got better and over time I realised he would never be a family man he sees the family he grew up with as his only family.

Last humiliationship lasted 14 months:

• so many anecdotes were about his ex and her family. After a year of this I’d heard every story there was. They broke up four years ago
• he was passive to the point of being a complete doormat and any aspect of planning fell to me. Passive to the extent he still lives in her house.
• hung around with pervy men who shared grim details of their sexual conquest - mainly through his sport team.
• never introduced me to anyone in his life despite telling me about them. Same stories and anecdotes throughout this entire dynamic
• Didn’t get me a Christmas present after dating for 4 months
• didnt offer any practical support unless I asked. Ie driving me to a medical appointment because he ‘hates hospitals’
• Was so lacking in generosity it was eye watering in hindsight. Roughly around the year mark all eating out bills were split straight down the middle
• reliant on drink

Gah, he looked great naked though in my mild defence!