Red flags you minimised / ignored

[Playedandfurious]

Trying to make my way out of the pits of heartbreak so lets hear some other red flag stories that you minimised / didnt realise until way too late. Let's save each other!

Mine
Did not really meet any of his friends / family
Only met an uncle when we were out randomly for drinks
Phone often on silent and never out of his reach
Never took photos of the two of us.
Would not connect phone to my car for mapping. Preferred to use an awkward phone holder
(Friend said later this was due to last seen destinations? I didnt know this was a thng but he worked in.comms)
Never used to see him on a Sunday. Now presume sunday was date night with whoever else he was seeing.
Always caused an argument if we were due to go away. I didnt see this pattern until way too late.

• A history of cheating in previous relationships, including his marriage. Somehow convinced myself it would be different with me.
• An ongoing relationship/contact with a woman he’d previously had an affair with. Despite knowing how much it hurt me, he refused to cut contact.
• Constantly needing female attention and validation. There always seemed to be other women lurking in the background.
• Keeping previous romantic/sexual partners in his life and regularly revisiting old connections.
• Being incredibly charming and attentive initially, but inconsistent once I was emotionally invested.
• Making promises and then not following through, even on relatively small things.
• Everything happening on his terms, particularly when we saw each other.
• Rarely planning proper dates or making much effort. I often felt I had to drive things forward.
• Being generous with words but considerably less generous with his time, effort or money.
• Being very focused on himself, his hobbies, his holidays and his interests.
• Rarely asking meaningful questions about my life, my work or how I was feeling.
• Showing surprisingly little concern when I was seriously unwell.
• Admitting himself that he lacked empathy. I should have listened!
• Being physically rough during sex.
• Weird Mummy issues and seemed to look down on all women
• Never really making me feel like a priority, despite supposedly wanting a relationship.
• A pattern of pulling away and then reappearing, creating a constant emotional rollercoaster.
• Making me feel anxious and unsettled rather than secure. I was constantly analysing his behaviour and wondering where I stood.
• Finding myself accepting behaviour I would never have advised a friend to tolerate nor would I tolerate now.
• Realising that I felt noticeably calmer when he wasn’t around.

He had no female friends.
Turned out he hated all women.

He didn't like my married male friend. Told me he thought my friend's interest in me wasn't purely platonic and didn't like me spending time with him.

We had a few arguments about it. Especially as my friend's wife had no problem with it.

I dumped him.

Anyway, turned out he was right all along 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ha ha. What happened between you and the male friend then?

They had poor hygiene. They had no money. They had no aspirations or educational abilities. They chatted utter crap, or they had nothing of even vague interest to say for themselves?

Fucking hell it reflects equally badly on me I accepted such shite.

I could add one or two of these to my list!

Wonder if we dated the same person!

Tbf no female friends is my dream man 🩷

Nothing. He was married.

He made a proposition that I rejected and then he became nasty.

10 yeara of close friendship, Christmases and holidays all spent together gone just like that.

He told me he was an alcoholic the first time I met him, I thought he was joking (exh)

he had a female ‘best friend’ who he was enmeshed and codependent and wouldn’t let me meet but he would do anything for me so I let it go on for over 2 years. I think she was his dominatrix (last ex bf)

looking back every relationship I’ve had I’ve ignored glaring red flags and now I feel it’s best I remain single for everyone’s sake

Had to meet his family after a month
'Accidentally' arranged for his Mum to meet mine after 6 weeks (turned up at the same restaurant i'd booked for a celebration and sat with us)
Phoning police and reporting me missing after 30 mins of not knowing whereabouts
Receiving lots of gifts....mainly clothes in not my style and smaller size
Gifts included vouchers to hairdressers and nail salons that his Mum used..... ive never been in a nail salon, hair gets cut twice a year
Every holiday booked, Mum would book a family holiday two days before end and would have to cut short to be there
No male friends
Probably lots more.....

I have only just moved out so things are raw, I'll try to be objective.

He was 36, longest relationship was 1 year.

He could not even utter the name of his last ex from 7 years previous, had to point to her on a list on Facebook.

He couldn't say "I love you" because he said it to his ex and it didn't work.

Stared out of the window when his mum spoke to him.

He didn't make any plans and rarely saw friends.

Found it extremely difficult to talk about feelings.

There are probably more but I thought at first he felt peaceful after coming out of a firey relationship. I thought no arguments was a good sign. That peace turned into me being anxious.

This was the short version! 😂😂
Maybe we did?!

Got unreasonably and dramatically angry with people over perceived 'slights', he saw the slightest remark as criticism. Guess who 'criticised' him one day, inducing over the top, almost comical rage?

The putting their partner down with snide comments or critisms and saying it's 'only a joke' or 'have you no sense of humour' when they are obviously embarrassed or uncomfortable is one of the biggest early red flags out there. If someone does it in public or in front of me about their partner I'll say 'well I didn't find it funny'. If they do it again I leave their company. If you have a partner that does it, tell them to stop. If they don't then leave. It's a huge indicator of abuse to come.

My ex called me a name in jest. Something quite insulting from the 80's and I called him out on it immediately.
It was just a joke according to him.

He did it again a few weeks later and I said I've asked you not to do that, you once would have been the first person to get angry that someone was so rude to me.
He knew then that I'd worked out he was playing games and being cruel. He said, i shouldnt call you that.
No apology.

We lasted about another week before he disrespected me again and I was done.

Sounds like a lucky escae even if it doesmt quite feel like it just yet. Hope you find joy.