Would you put up with this?

[OnTheBrink2025]

1. Questioning his plans: He raised his voice and swore when I asked about his plans to deliver money, accusing me of questioning him.
2. Sarcastic compliments: He made comments about my appearance in a sarcastic manner, making compliments feel insincere or mocking.
3. Disagreement about rest: When I questioned why he could go back to bed while I did not get the same opportunity, he shouted, "Cos I fucking work all week."
4. Being told not to question him: He told me that I should not question him and that he does not have to answer to me.
5. Our child's request to see him at school: When I told him our child wanted him to visit her educational setting, he suggested I had "set him up" and appeared irritated rather than enthusiastic.
6. Questioning my mental health: He asked whether I had a split personality, referring to my biological mother's mental health history. He has also described me as someone who blows hot and cold.
7. Ordinary requests causing irritation: After I made three everyday requests, he complained that it was all too much and that I was asking too many questions.
8. Reaction to a meal: He became irritable because he disliked a meal I had prepared, despite having enjoyed it previously, and refused to eat it.
9. Childcare and family planning: He responded impatiently when I tried to discuss childcare arrangements and family activities, leaving me feeling unsupported in shared parenting decisions.
10. Criticism in the car: He rolled his eyes and criticised me for repeating myself during an ordinary conversation. I became upset and started crying.

Context - in early 30s, 2 young children. He works full time, I average 26 hours a week. Been together 13 years. He was not always like this. Have had couples counselling beginning of the year

This doesn’t sound like a happy environment for young children or you!
He sounds controlling and doesn’t want you to have an opinion. I couldn’t live like that.

No.

Life will be much more pleasant without him. I don't tolerate people who make my life worse. I'm only engaging with you in any way if you bring something positive. He doesn't.

No, I wouldn't put up with any of that. The question is - will you?

@mamaof4losingmymind I think your comment is incredibly cruel. I have been referred by my GP to a domestic abuse programme. It is incredibly difficult to leave for various reasons.

I don’t complain about it, I’m seeking advice. I’ve sought counselling and we have done couples counselling too.

I also haven’t put him above my children. Quite the opposite.

You can be diplomatic in your reply, but you don’t have to be cruel.

No, why are you?💐

@24Dogcuddler I am not happy. I have been looking at if I can afford to leave. It’s not just as simple as people think

@Hatty65 i think I’ve got such low self esteem and belief in my experience of what has happened, I always worry if I’d be making the wrong decision. I’m scared to leave, but also don’t want to stay for my children and I

@whippersnapper55 its getting to the point now where I’m actually looking at leaving and if I can afford to. I’m just very scared. I think every time things get better that “oh it’s good now” and then when things get worse, I think “I’ll keep trying”

@PrincessofWills because it wasn’t always like this. He says he doesn’t mean to be nasty to me, but says I have a tone and talk to him like shit and we’re both as bad as each other. But I would never say something that was hurtful to him. If I did or do upset him, I always apologise. Which I don’t get. I’m just very nervous about leaving in case it’s a mistake

@OnTheBrink2025 I think writing down a plan for what you would like life to look like might help. I'd start looking at whether you can up your hours and how you might manage housing if he wasn't contributing much financially. Because he's not contributing in any other meaningful way, is he?

I was married to someone like this and we divorced in my early 30s with three small children. Life was hard work - but no harder than it was be married to someone who was as deeply unpleasant as your DH is. Yes, financially it was a bit of a struggle, but mentally I was so much better.

The kids were happier too.

@Hatty65 thank you for sharing your experience and advice. It’s really appreciated. I’ll definitely do that. I can definitely up my hours in work. I work part time currently 3 days per week so he would have to cover childcare. Life would be easier and happier for me, but harder for him!

@OnTheBrink2025 I'm 61. And I have genuinely never, ever regretted getting divorced at 33. I had 3 kids under 7 at the time and life was financially a bit tight (I'm a teacher) but I was far happier without a critical man who put me down.

If it's any consolation I'm now married to DH2 who took me on with 3 kids about 2 years after my divorce and has been lovely. All DC (now in their 30s) have a great relationship with him and he will walk both girls down the aisle next year when they marry, rather than their own father who played a very peripheral role in their childhood. He saw them on a Sunday but had little interest in them (mostly sat playing on his computer, apparently, whilst they were there).

But I was ok on my own. I wasn't looking for another relationship, and went into this one absolutely determined that the minute it felt like hard work I was calling it a day. I didn't marry him for about 15 years because I was in no rush to repeat old mistakes. I've been lucky, but I'd have been happy alone.

Being alone is better than being miserable with the wrong person.

Edited to add - I was with ex DH from age 19 which sounds similar to you. The things you tolerate in your teens are not things you tolerate in your 30s and people change. Neither of you are the same person you were 13 years ago and it's ok to outgrow each other.

His behavior towards you is abusive. You should NEVER attempt counseling with an abuser and any counselor should have spotted this.
Even if you think you’re “as bad as him” he’s most likely physically bigger and as you said earns more which brings in an element of coercive control.
Leaving can be difficult but it may also be your mindset holding you back.
Reach out to family and start a plan of action.
Stay safe.

@Hatty65 I am 32 and have a 1 year old and 4 year old, so similar to what you were when you got your divorce.

That is so lovely to hear how you found someone that treated you how you should have been treated x

Nope. In isolation and only one of these talk about it. All of this, not looking good

@Hatty65 thank you for the edit - yes we were 19 and 20 when we got together. He was so much better then. It seems like the more unhappy he’s got with himself, the more he has with me!

@CostcoFanofThree thank you for your reply. Doctor has wanted to refer me to a domestic abuse programme. I just feel very guilty doing it behind partners back

Did you give AI your diary and just ask it to pull out all of the things that could be seen as bad?

It just reads like AI slop. And I think it has done you dirty by making you believe that all of these are unreasonable. Lots of it is unreasonable btw, and I don’t have a clue why you are with him if he is like this, but some of them are not.

But, if you are going to use AI you need to make sure it isn’t going to give you heavily biased responses based on it trying to please you. For example when I give those scenarios to my AI which doesn’t want to make you happy, it comes up with the below when asked whether or not your husband was being unreasonable;

Questioned his plans to deliver money: Unclear. Why was she questioning him? Was it a practical question or repeated interrogation? His swearing isn’t helpful, but context matters.
Sarcastic compliments: Potentially unreasonable on his part, but we have no examples of what he actually said.
Questioned why he could go back to bed: Potentially her. If he’s working full-time and she’s challenging his opportunity to rest, there may be resentment or unfair expectations on either side.
Told her not to question him: Concerning. Partners should be able to ask reasonable questions, but we don’t know whether this followed persistent questioning.
Child wanted him to visit school: Unclear. His suggestion that she’d set him up is interesting. What prompted that reaction?
Asked if she had a split personality: Unkind, particularly referencing her biological mother’s mental health. But describing someone as blowing hot and cold isn’t automatically unreasonable.
Complained about three everyday requests: Potentially her. Three requests in quick succession could be irritating, depending on what they were and when she made them.
Refused to eat a meal: Not necessarily unreasonable. He’s allowed to dislike something, even if he’s enjoyed it before. Being rude about it would be different.
Impatient about childcare discussions: Unclear. Was he refusing to participate, or was she trying to discuss things at an inconvenient time?
Criticised her for repeating herself: Potentially either. Rolling his eyes is rude, but repeatedly saying the same thing can be frustrating. Her crying doesn’t automatically make him the unreasonable party.

Either way, you do not have to stay with a man who makes you unhappy, look after yourself and your children as a priority. NOBODY should make you feel like you are less than, and this man definitely does that to you.

No

I was with the father of my children for over ten years, he was abusive, I put up with it waiting for it to change and my invested time and energy to pay off. It didn't. He fucked off with someone else. At the time I was devastated, now I look back and think that what fuck was I thinking. Time apart gives you reflection re how unhealthy it all was. I was hanging about waiting for crumbs, occasionally I got them, more often than not I got indifference, lack of consideration, lack of care, sarcasm, cutting comments and selfishness on his part.

Being a single parent was hard, mainly because he was still being a cunt, but overall physically it was no harder than when I was with him as he was unhelpful in every way.

Looking back I feel sad that I wasted so much time and had such low standards.

You deserve better than this, to be with someone who you aren't walking on eggshells with. Good luck.

@Boreded I did AI it because I have been keeping a journal in my notes to remember what actually happened because often the truth is twisted. I asked it to summarise for me. I’ll reply properly to each one later as currently making tea, but it was just far too long to post on here as nobody would have stayed to read it!

Honestly, no. Because I dont allow anyone to mistreat me, and certainly not my children, anymore.

No, he sounds unpleasant and like he doesn’t like you. Sorry I know that sounds harsh but he sounds insufferable.

What a bloody miserable existence OP. Your husband isn't interested in you full stop. Your opinions, views, feelings, needs etc are dismissed by your husband, as being irrelevant and unimportant. As far as your husband is concerned, he's the most important person in the family. He makes the decisions, you merely are expected to go along with them. His opinion is the only one he's interested in. His views are correct, and yours are not.

He's a controlling, abusive twat. For the sake of your children, you need to leave him. It's a damaging and toxic environment for your children to be growing up within.