Leaving an abusive marriage sometimes has a very high price to pay

[Highpricetopay]

I’m looking for some honesty and some bluntness from everyone, please.
In January this year, 10 months ago, I finally got myself out of an abusive marriage of 16 years. To use the current terminology, it was “controlling, coercive, manipulative, Financial and sexual abuse. Threats of violence always hung over me, but usually only resulted in things being broken and things thrown at me.
We have a son who is now 14 years old. And he is the reason I never left any earlier than now. I could handle the abuse, I made the best of things and I shielded our Son from it as much as I could. I could tolerate it to keep my family together.
But this time last year, it all started to get too much. Combined with the fact that I was suddenly financially in a position to get out. Our financial situation was no longer all in my husband’s hands for the very first time.
So I instigated a separation and asked my husband to leave the family house.
The price I have paid though is that he took our 14-year-old Son with him and moved over overseas.
My husband blocked me from contacting our Son in anyway unless it was through him. I even wrote letters and posted them, but my husband sent me videos of himself burning them and telling me not to bother again.
In the last 10 months, I’ve only seen our Son once, when I flew there for three days and only got less than an hour with him. And I have only spoken to him on the phone three times in the last 10 months extremely briefly and with my husband always in the background.
He does not facilitate or help with any contact, in fact he does the opposite.
He has told me to forget I have a Son, to forget I had a family. Saying that this is my punishment because I broke the family.
Obviously, this is heartbreaking and consumes every moment of my day.
My questions are:-

1. Do I just wait and hope that our Son eventually comes back to me?
2. Do I keep flying over there every three or four months and hope to get some time with him? And at least then our Son knows I’m trying.
3. Do I give up everything in the UK and move to be nearby our Son overseas so at least I can see him frequently and be in his life.
4. Do I try to reconcile with my husband and bring the family back together? Despite it putting me back in the same place that I was in. Should I tolerate it all again for the sake of our Son?

Question 4 may sound extreme, but I can’t help thinking that might be the best thing for our Son to have his parents back together in the family unit. I also question whether I’m actually more unhappy now because of missing our Son than I was inside that marriage. I certainly feel absolutely devastated at the moment and hope isn’t keeping me going. Obviously, there’s more facets to this story. I have support from family and friends along with some formal counselling. I’m looking for blunt, honest answers from mothers who can understand what it would be like to have your child taken away and kept from you so harshly. Please comment if you have something to say. I need to hear it before I crumble completely. Thank you so very much Joanna

I think you need legal advice because I don’t think your husband has acted legally in taking your son overseas without your permission.

Keep flying over. Give you son a letter telling him how much you love him. Communicate via mobile phone with him (if he has one)
Did you husband remove your son with your consent to this country? There are laws against this - look at Hague convention I think.

i Think taking your son abroad without your permission is probably against the law however depending on where he has gone using the law to get him back could be very difficult and expensive.

some countries are much more amenable to the rule of law than others. For example if your husband and son are in a European country you can probably pursue access relatively easily.

non western countries are likely to be more tricky.

obviously this also depends on how much money you have and whether you are in a position to go out there at all.

If you share parental responsibility and he has done this without permission it’s a criminal offence under the Child Abduction Act

Agree you need legal advice asap to bring your son back

what does he think?

Isn’t this kidnapping under The Hague convention?

Your best bet is luring exhusband back to uk by honey trapping him and then having him arrested imo

There is no if or but about it. If your husband removed your son from the UK without your explicit permission, it is regarded as kidnapping. Contact the police. First. Then contact an organisation like Corams children’s legal centre who can help you have your child returned. You should also qualify for legal aid if you can’t afford to pay yourself.

https://childrenslegalcentre.com/about-us/what-we-do/legal-practice-unit/

Did you report any of the behaviour? And have you kept the videos? Get to a lawyer .
What would his story be?
And how will you counter it?

What are the nationalities and countries involved here? Where has your husband taken your son? How long ago was this and have you taken any legal advice about it?

You have legal recourse to get your child back unless they are in a country that doesn’t participate in Hague convention.

Even if not, you may still be able to take legal action. Have you tried that?

If you want to remove your name from the OP (advisable), use the Report option and ask MN to remove it.

I’m so sorry this must be awful to you. Hopefully you will get good advice here.

How do you think your son actually feels about this situation?

Thank you for the replies up to now.
As mentioned, there are other facets to this and my original post could have been double the length it is.
Turkey is part of The Hague convention.
I do have a lawyer, we are in court in the UK. We are at the point of proving jurisdiction - meaning there is debate over whether the UK court is the correct place to deal or the Turkish courts.
10 months has already passed.
The age of our Son is applicable. At 14 (15 in January) there isn’t the same legal impulse to keep the child with the mother and our Son will be asked to choose by a judge. Our son loves both his parents, so that would be a very difficult thing to put our Son through.
My husband has repeatedly shared with our Son that this is my punishment for breaking up the family and that I must not love him if I have broken up the family.
The legal process will be lengthy, damaging and, because of the above, potentially fruitless for me.

Well even with dual nationality, your DS will face military conscription if he remains in Turkey, so I bet he decides to come home before that happens!

Make yourself very easy to find on social media. Post regularly, saying how much you love and miss your son. Make it clear that his move to Turkey was not your choice. Make it clear he will always be welcome in your home and that you will always help him to travel to the UK. Tell him you are working with a lawyer to gain access.

Post about your life. Make him part of it, even if he can only look on for the next year or two. Your ex cannot prevent remove your posts.

I hope he comes home soon. x

Your son doesn’t have a phone of his own?
Are they living with family and are you in contact with anyone else in Turkey?
Do you have Turkish nationality?

In terms of finances and work are you able to keep flying to Turkey? What does your son say when you manage to speak with him? If you go there can you see him alone?

As hard as it is op, I would put it aside for a few years and focus on rebuilding your life. You son will be old enough in a few years that his dad won’t be able to do shit.

I am sure your son knows you love him and that it is his dad keeping you apart.

Spend the next few years focusing on you. Get yourself mentally well and healthy again. Then when your son comes back, it will be to a bright, whole, healthy mum who can make up for lost time with him.

So long as you have social media he can contact you on and don’t move far away, he will come back to you.

I know it’s sad but, you can’t do anything so why let this bastard ex hurt you any more than he needs to. If your boy was 10 I’d say to fight. But he’s not. You don’t need to fight, time and love will bring him back to you soon enough.

Focus on you. Focus on rebuilding yourself and making a new life.

And when you do speak with him next you be very clear “Your father is not my family, he is a bully and I should have left him years ago. Family doesn’t best, comtrol and abuse you. That’s not family. That’s a monster”.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m going through similar with my 14 year old and abusive ex and it is absolutely horrifically painful.

A few organisations that have helped me -

Match Mothers - a charity that helps mothers who are separated from their children. They have been a wonderful support to me and I’ve made friends with mums who understand what I’m going through.

PAPA - People Against Parental Alienation
They have a website and a facebook page, they offer legal advice and support.

Women’s Aid - Contact them and they can assign you a domestic abuse support worker, they offer counselling and courses and you can connect with other survivors.

Definitely contact citizens advice to see what your rights are, if you can keep travelling to see your son and keep texting and reaching out to him.

No advice but just wanted to say how very awful this is. Thinking of you… xx

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you it must be awful.

Does your son have Facebook or a mobile phone? It's unusual for 15 year olds not to have those. You could communicate via that, doesn't have to have anything to do with his dad.

Thank you so much for that “Sodthesystem”.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me with such positivity. I pray and hope that you are right and that my Son will come back to me. Thank you again

Thank you so much, “NatureandBee”
I appreciate you taking the time to reply to me and give me some advice, which is very valuable.
I’m already a member of PAPA. But I hadn’t heard of Match Mothers or thought of Women’s Aid so I will research and contact those too.
I’m sorry you’re going through the same thing. It’s absolutely heartbreaking, isn’t it? I wish you well, I wish you strength, I wish you dignity in this time. They will come back to us. Thank you again x

Thank you, QueenOfAccountability,
my Son does have a phone and a computer and all the social media and WhatsApp etc. But I am blocked on all of them. The only avenue I think is open is email. And I do email him morning and night every day. But is he reading them have they been directed to trash??
My husband is very controlling and he will be the one who has blocked me on all those things and he has also blocked me from any other member of his family. And they will all just listen to him and do what he says, because they’re all afraid of him. He’s a bully

Thank you so very much MirrorClocks.
Your words mean a lot. This is a lonely time and every kind word is very powerful.
Thank you again

Can you make a new account that won’t be blocked? Or contact him through someone else’s account?

That’s a great idea Sparklesnacks.
I will setup another account 👍🏼🤞🏼