Leaving an abusive marriage sometimes has a very high price to pay

[Highpricetopay]

I’m looking for some honesty and some bluntness from everyone, please.
In January this year, 10 months ago, I finally got myself out of an abusive marriage of 16 years. To use the current terminology, it was “controlling, coercive, manipulative, Financial and sexual abuse. Threats of violence always hung over me, but usually only resulted in things being broken and things thrown at me.
We have a son who is now 14 years old. And he is the reason I never left any earlier than now. I could handle the abuse, I made the best of things and I shielded our Son from it as much as I could. I could tolerate it to keep my family together.
But this time last year, it all started to get too much. Combined with the fact that I was suddenly financially in a position to get out. Our financial situation was no longer all in my husband’s hands for the very first time.
So I instigated a separation and asked my husband to leave the family house.
The price I have paid though is that he took our 14-year-old Son with him and moved over overseas.
My husband blocked me from contacting our Son in anyway unless it was through him. I even wrote letters and posted them, but my husband sent me videos of himself burning them and telling me not to bother again.
In the last 10 months, I’ve only seen our Son once, when I flew there for three days and only got less than an hour with him. And I have only spoken to him on the phone three times in the last 10 months extremely briefly and with my husband always in the background.
He does not facilitate or help with any contact, in fact he does the opposite.
He has told me to forget I have a Son, to forget I had a family. Saying that this is my punishment because I broke the family.
Obviously, this is heartbreaking and consumes every moment of my day.
My questions are:-

1. Do I just wait and hope that our Son eventually comes back to me?
2. Do I keep flying over there every three or four months and hope to get some time with him? And at least then our Son knows I’m trying.
3. Do I give up everything in the UK and move to be nearby our Son overseas so at least I can see him frequently and be in his life.
4. Do I try to reconcile with my husband and bring the family back together? Despite it putting me back in the same place that I was in. Should I tolerate it all again for the sake of our Son?

Question 4 may sound extreme, but I can’t help thinking that might be the best thing for our Son to have his parents back together in the family unit. I also question whether I’m actually more unhappy now because of missing our Son than I was inside that marriage. I certainly feel absolutely devastated at the moment and hope isn’t keeping me going. Obviously, there’s more facets to this story. I have support from family and friends along with some formal counselling. I’m looking for blunt, honest answers from mothers who can understand what it would be like to have your child taken away and kept from you so harshly. Please comment if you have something to say. I need to hear it before I crumble completely. Thank you so very much Joanna

How awful.

I agree with others. Keep setting up new accounts and post your life on those. Even if your son isn't able to contact you right now when he searches (and he will at some point) then he can see you kept trying. Keep going through the court process too. Even if it feels fruitless. Don't give your bully ex any reason to tell your son you didn't want him etc.

What did your son say to you in that one hour?

and I'd keep trying to visit too, even if you're limited in your contact. I think your son will find his way back at some point. Your ex will only be sweetness and light when your son is playing ball.

Thank you BringOnTheLogBurner
I will keep doing all those things, as you say. Whilst keeping the hope and faith that he’ll return to me.

When I spent that time with My Son, we walked. But my husband was walking 3m behind. So My Son didn’t say anything. But he listened and he smiled and we made eye contact and I felt love from him.
That’s one of the reasons I’ll keep going back.
Thank you again for taking the time to comment. x

@Highpricetopay

You need to get in touch with Reunite. All the best going forward.

Reunite | International Child Abduction Centre | Child Abduction Charity

If you have your son number and you are blocked, use a new number, keep trying.
what A horrendous person your child father is.

If only there was a way to talk to him without his dad knowing so you could tell him to pretend to agree with his dad, to fake it, to keep his head down and work hard in school and to get a job as soon as he can at sixteen with money going into his own bank account. To maybe take any school trips that come up to Europe and you can grab him there? Tell him to ask his teachers if they run any ever and if so, to take the classes that do and to start talking about something he wanted to see in these places non stop at some point before the trip is even mentioned as if he wants to go. So when the opportunity comes up ‘out of the blue’ maybe his dad will actually let him.

Worst case scenario he makes it to eighteen and can get his own passport and leave if he has his own money.

But he’s going to have to play it smart.

On the bright side, at least he is a boy so hopefully no worries about him being married off. (Although interestingly, google says this “Emancipation via Marriage: Legal marriage also grants adult status. While the standard marriage age is 18, a person can marry at 17 (or exceptionally at 16 with judicial approval and parental consent)”. Maybe he could marry someone…someone who wants a visa…)

Is he Muslim ?

Yes
Wasn’t practising when we met 16 years ago. But really took it on-board during the pandemic and beyond.
Well spotted applebee3

Thank you Sodthesystem,
Oh my good days, I convince myself that my son is doing that. That he is biding his time, placating his father, making the best of it until he can break free.
Let’s face it - his mother has showed him how to do that for 13 years.
I send him money every month to his own bank account. I’m hoping he uses that to buy a ticket one day. And I get the call I’ve been waiting for from the airport 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

Great idea. I have a work’s phone that I can use. I’ll try it
Thank you x

Hopefully he isn’t like his father. Unfortunately a lot of women escape abuse only to find their sons turn out like their dads. I don’t want to make you more fearful but when he does come back, if he is an adult, maybe don’t let him move in with you. Help him rent elsewhere till he’s on his feet if you can but, protect your home space. Because you just never know what the time away might have done, if he could have anger towards you too… hopefully all will be well, but protect your space. You’ve just got out of one abuse situation and you should never risk another.

I'm so sorry you're in this heartbreaking situation, I can't even imagine what you're going through. Just wanted to send you a hug 💐

Don't give up hope - keep communicating with your son any way you can get through and visit when you can. It must be terribly hard for your son too, to have left behind his home, school and friends and of course his loving mum. Hold onto hope and don't let go. I think it's more likely than not that he will come back to you ❤️