Dh never happy about our sex life

[dofuckoff]

so pissed off right now and need a third party perspective.
long term marriage.
dh always complaining that I don’t initiate sex enough. Long term complaint. Recently I’ve started to initiate (even though I don’t feel like I want it but usually am ok when I get going), and he’s started saying no because it’s not passionate/no effort from me, and I expect to just lie there and him to get on with it. I don’t but that’s what he feels. The more he complains the less I want it because I’m so pissed off now I’m initiating and he’s saying no.
I just feel like he’s always looking for a reason to be dissatisfied.
I just told him he’s being very feminine for wanting passionate, foreplay, effort sex and I said I’m not the one with the dick. He said he couldn’t believe how narrow minded I was being and went downstairs.
ok I’m a dick for saying all that but I just feel like he’s being a fucking princess and should be glad he’s getting any sex at all. His drive is very high (every day) whereas mine is pretty much non existent. No fucking surprises.

so does he ever make an effort? Organise a date night or cook a nice meal?

Yeah we go on date nights. In fact we’ve just been on one today. I did just say to him I was in the mood but tired so in other words he should lead and that’s what caused the argument.

May I add I organised it. I suggested the date night and booked the cinema tickets but usually he does plan date nights /nice meal out etc.
it just gives me the ick for a man to insist on ‘passion’. Fuck off already.

I'm not surprised you have the ick. He's expecting you to be a porn star in the bedroom. Ugh!

"Should be glad he's getting any sex at all " .That says it all really. Your attitude that you are doing him a favour and then saying that he should be grateful instead of looking for passion and foreplay is pretty damning. Do you not like sex with him . How did you manage before this . I don't blame him for being disappointed.

When there is a mismatch in sex drive it is really difficult. Most likely (almost definitely) it will be an ongoing issue for many years to come and you will end up compromising in a ways you shouldn’t have to - and he still won’t be happy.

It’s not great for either of you.

Yep. Not gonna happen. Yes it was all steamy but come off it, we’ve been together over two decades. Get over yourself

we had an amazing sex life for years . It’s just in the last two years or so there has been a gradual decline in my drive and I just can’t be arsed tbh. I could very easily not do it for weeks and I’d be absolutely ok with that. The only reason I do it is because he wants it. And I think the issue is deep down he knows this now.

That's a problem OP. I understand how you are feeling but what is your DH supposed to do ? Should he accept a sexless marriage ? I hope you can find a way to overcome this because for me it would be a deal breaker . Are you OK with ending your marriage because it seems that's what will happen.

Well it’s not sexless when I’m literally initiating sex , is it ? The issue now is it’s not passionate enough, or ‘you don’t want to put the effort in’ . It’s another hoop for me to jump through to fulfill his sexual desires and I’m just not going to do it. I don’t want the marriage to end , I think he’s being a fucking prick and he needs to get a grip.

or he wants to feel like his wife isn't just lying there letting him fuck her to get hisn weds met whilst she wishes she was anywhere else but under him? I'm not saying he's going about it the right way, but it sounds like he wants to have sex with someone who wants to have sex, not just someone who's letting herself be fucked for a quiet life.

Well I don’t want to have sex most of the time, that’s the honest truth. There’s no sugar coating that.

And it’s not him. I just don’t think about sex anymore. I feel zero desire.
so does that mean we divorce after building a family and a life together ?
what’s a ‘quiet life’ exactly ? Not wanting to destroy your life or your kids life ? I said I am trying to initiate and he’s still complaining . Is it just me that has to compromise on this ?

You need to address this then. I’d hate to have sex with my partner knowing he’s just doing it for my benefit! Both people should be wanting it. Being together decades shouldn’t make a difference if you genuinely find him attractive.
If you don’t then let him be happy with someone else.

It sounds like you could do with some couples relationship and sex counseling. Not necessarily to get you wanting sex more (though if you miss the sex life you had and would quite like a return if you could actually feel like it then that's something to look in to and a trip to the GP may help too) but so that you can work out together what will work for both of you.

It can be kind of soul destroying to be having sex for someone else's sake and also to want sex with your partner but know that they don't really want it with you. I wouldn't just let this fester.

We've been sexless for over 10 years and there is zero chance our marriage is in danger. We have come to the conclusion that it's not the be all and end all.
We both are still madly in love with each other, hug and kiss every night.
We have had a great sex life, but getting older and my prostate problems put an end of that.
He sounds like sex for him is a need rather than want.

I don’t think I’d want a
sexless marriage but just much less frequently than him. Maybe once a month. I’d most likely be a lot more
passionate then.
its definitely a need for him. And it’s not even a want for me most days . Unfortunately that’s the real issue here.

Probably because I think we're older than you (60s/70s)

This op. He doesn't want to fuck someone unwilling who's resenting and hating it.

Ah ok! Yes much older. But , honestly it sounds lovely.

I don’t resent it and hate it and he can make me orgasm every single time without fail, he makes sure I do , and I do.
it’s just the desire BEFORE. It’s just not there and he’s being a bitch about it now when he knows full well
that I’m going to come.

It is. No pressure.
We used to do it anywhere and everywhere 😁 But those days are over and here we are with a bottle of red listening to Boom radio! 😍

Im green with envy 😂

My drive disappeared at around 35.
5 years on, I'm contentedly single, and the fact that no one will ever paw at me on an evening, is the best part of it.
I'm an attractive woman and I could have a shagathon every night if I fancied it. But I don't.
Once-a-month or two blast could be great and passionate and sexy and wild... But x times in a week within a commited relationship? Nah. Too much like a chore. Like doing dishes and mopping floors.

My advice is to dump the sex-chore man. Then only have sex you're gagging for.

I’m frustrated by all the ‘sex is a need’ chat. Surely sex cannot be classed as a need for anyone beyond those actively trying to make a baby. Otherwise it’s just a pastime that happens in and outwith intimate relationships. Sometimes people enjoy that pastime at the same level to one another and often they don’t.

Has he shown any interest or reflection on what it’s like to not feel any desire to do it, but still do it because you love him and want to make him happy? It sounds like no, and where your ‘he should be grateful’ comments are coming from. Equally you should be trying to understand what it’s like for him feeling undesired in this way and think about how to find an acceptable compromise. Lots of talking needed at times when sex isn’t on the table.