Dh never happy about our sex life

[dofuckoff]

so pissed off right now and need a third party perspective.
long term marriage.
dh always complaining that I don’t initiate sex enough. Long term complaint. Recently I’ve started to initiate (even though I don’t feel like I want it but usually am ok when I get going), and he’s started saying no because it’s not passionate/no effort from me, and I expect to just lie there and him to get on with it. I don’t but that’s what he feels. The more he complains the less I want it because I’m so pissed off now I’m initiating and he’s saying no.
I just feel like he’s always looking for a reason to be dissatisfied.
I just told him he’s being very feminine for wanting passionate, foreplay, effort sex and I said I’m not the one with the dick. He said he couldn’t believe how narrow minded I was being and went downstairs.
ok I’m a dick for saying all that but I just feel like he’s being a fucking princess and should be glad he’s getting any sex at all. His drive is very high (every day) whereas mine is pretty much non existent. No fucking surprises.

That would be so off putting, you initiate and he says no, if you said no I'm sure there would be trouble. Expecting sex every day for years is a bit much and expecting it to be exciting and passionate, and that you should 'put the effort in' every time is pretty unreasonable. Doesn't he have any other hobbies?

By having sex 3 times weekly,
it sounds like you are compromising & him wanting daily sex isn’t realistic for most couples in their 40’s with jobs, kids etc.

Does he watch a lot of porn? It sounds almost like he wants some kind of porn actress to dress up & “act the part”.

I would agree with others that therapy would be the best way forward.

You called him 'feminine' for wanting foreplay? What the fuck is wrong with you.
He's trying to communicate with you about sex and NOT just wanting to put his dick in and out of you and you're being an arsehole telling him to just get on with it. And using the term 'feminine' as an insult! Nice(!)
Horrible all round.

This. If the feelings are right, passion, instigation, and imagination should come from both sides.

Your life founds a bit soulless to be honest. 🤷‍♀️

I think what he really wants is to feel wanted.

Don't we all.

He's killing your desire for sex with him.

They say they need intimacy to feel connected to you and that intimacy is very important to them/the marriage and that makes you feel bad as you hate to think you're depriving him of intimacy.

What they actually mean by intimacy is sex. Sex doesn't equal intimacy. An intimate, connected bonded couple both want to have sex with each other. He's not being intimate with you, he just wants sex.

If he was to try being intimate with you, i.e. meaningful conversation, affection with no strings, genuine love and care shown for you purely to show you love and affection, you might just want to have more sex with him.

The more he whines and sulks about you not giving out, the more your desire will die (for him).

I cannot understand why so many men, even the intelligent ones, can't grasp this.

They claim their wives change from wanting sex early on to drying up, when I think it's them that change. They stop showing their wives any love and simple, easy no strings affection and just expect them to keep them happy in every department including emptying their sack regularly. That is a turn off!!.

Keep having sex you don't want will put you off even more. It's a vicious circle. He needs to stop pressuring you and start loving you.

And who made you authorised to speak on behalf of everyone on the planet?

I am a woman (45) and sex is very much a need for me.

People need to match based on many things and for those of us for whom sex is an important part of a relationship, this should be one of the criteria when looking for a partner.
I wouldn’t like it if the rules suddenly changed after 20 years either and tbh the way the OP speaks about her husband is a serious consideration for divorce anyway.
Not everyone wants a roommate.

And who made you authorised to speak on behalf of everyone on the planet?
Was there any need to be rude.

I am a woman (45) and sex is very much a need for me.
It'll wear off.

Sex is not a physiologic need. Sorry, that's things like oxygen and fluids and nutrition and elimination. Things that will literally kill you if you don't get those needs met. Sex isn't in that category. It's a want.

That said, @dofuckoff 's husband is continuously moving the goal posts. What he wants now is for her to pretend she's hot for him when she's not plus do the work of sexing him with him being the recipient, but he wants the show, not the reality. Does he have a kink he wants to do and you don't?

He wants daily sex and she wants none. That's complete sexual incompatibility and there's really no compromise possible.

Are you in peri menopause? Get your testosterone levels checked. I’m how using topical gel and it really helps.

I really relate OP. Even when I 'make the effort' it's upsetting because he knows I am trying for the wrong reasons. He wants me to want him. I can't make that happen.... it's difficult for both of us. I feel guilty and like I can't win. I'm already doing what I don't feel like and it's still not enough. He feels unwanted and hurt.

Maybe if he was less of a dick you would feel desire toward him.
You don’t have to force that stuff. I’d be telling him to fuck off, personally. He doesn’t have a right to your vag just because you’re married.

Honestly, so much of this is porn culture. The sheer bloody entitlement of it all (to your body & meet his needs). Does he not have a right hand?

You’re supposed to be available for sex whenever he wants it (daily) be enthusiastic & dress up etc. Just like some kind of performing blow-up doll.

Porn gives unrealistic expectations of what women like & how they behave in sex. All the silly eyelash fluttering & penis worship during blow jobs. Having your vulva spat on as lubrication etc etc etc.

I think a generation of men have been ruined by it.

It’s not caring, loving sex.

Your libido is responding to who you are at this point in your life. He is insufficiently mature and caring to understand this and respond accordingly.

You are making the effort to initiate sex ( which you know you will enjoy when you get going) even though you are not overenthusiatic at thst moment. And he is grumbling ..... says it all really.

You don’t know that :) we’re not all the same.
I might also get hit by a bus tomorrow.

it just gives me the ick for a man to insist on ‘passion’
This is so bleak. I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who dismissed me and was rude (in a weirdly sexist way) about wanting there to be some enjoyment and mutual desire in our sex life and I wouldn't fuck someone who thought I should be thrilled about a barely consensual duty fuck.

You can't magic up wanting him, though. So seems like a bigger chat is needed - he's well within his rights to want there to be enthusiastic desire in his sex life and to want sex more regularly, you're well within yours not to be able to conjure that up and not that often. But then it sounds like your wants/needs/whatever for this relationship are no longer aligned.

Stop projecting. My mum and her mates were all at it into their old age (yes they told me!)
I love sex as a thing in itself and don’t want to stop having it. It’s very normal for women to love sex. Some of these posts are sad.