20 y/o daughter with a son in a relationship with man with 2 children

[Thenewnanny]

Not really sure how to write this my daughter is 20 and is in a relationship with a 29 yo male, my daughter has a son the sperm donor isn't around nor bothered about any sort of relationship.29 yo has 2 children they havnt introduced to each other yet but im pretty sure it wont be long. I am really struggling with how it will look in the future can it really work ? On my daughters side it can but on the man's side how can it ? There's a mother and father sharing 50 - 50 which i believe is somewhat harder these children are 2 & 4 can it really work ? I am trying my hardest to be supportive but ive chosen not to meet him as I wanted my grandson to have a dad he has a sperm donor but not a dad. I want the best for my grandson and im not sure this is it. There's not alot I can do about it id just like other people's opinions on this as im frightened that I will push my daughter away if I dont start to meet him etc.
Thank you

Yes you will push her away if you carry on saying that. It would be wiser to get to know him surely. I’m not sure I understand your logic, can you explain it another way?

I think you are over reacting, he’s not that much older than her and she has a child of her own. I’ve got a nineteen year old myself and if she was in a relationship with someone with two children I wouldn’t be thrilled but is she already had a child then she is already kiva different kind of like from most people her own age so it’s not surprising that someone older has more in common with her.

The was you talk about the biological father of your own grandson is a disgrace and if you were my mother, I would stop you having contact with my child completely. Your grandson has half of his dna from his father.

Please don't push her away by voicing all these concerns.
The relationship might last 5 days it might last 5 years who knows?
Best thing you can do is be a good listener when she wants to talk and try to get to know him.

You never know you might like him - and they may well work out the child arrangements just fine.

X

Firstly the biological father doesn't have anything to do with my grandson so get off your high horse thats his choice !!! So yes I will call him a sperm donor. My post is asking whether a relationship can build from blended family's knowing that my grandsons father will never be involved but my daughter will be likely involved with mother of his children

While it is a bit of an age gap, I think your dd already having a child does close that gap a little bit. They are both single parents to young kids so they may have more in common than your average 20 and 29 year old. So I would not be intervening.

I think calling the bio dad the sperm donor is a bit crass. No objection to you not having a lot of love for the bio dad, but if I was your dd or grandson, I would find that a bit gross. So I would be cutting that turn of phrase out tbh. But you do you etc

My logic is my daughter has a son, father not involved new partner has 2 children mother involved surely its more complicated as now there's 3 children. I will meet him just trying to get my head round it all ive known since March but now things are progressing more

My logic is my daughter has a son, father not involved new partner has 2 children mother involved surely its more complicated as now there's 3 children. I will meet him just trying to get my head round it all ive known since March but now things are progressing more

It's a lot of children for a young woman of twenty - can they afford to house a family of five together?

She already has a child though, so although you might have hoped she'd meet a childless man her own age who'd treat her son as his own, she presumably just met a man she liked rather than trying to go shopping for a perfect stepdad for her son...

Her family situation is always going to be somewhat blended anyway, unless she stays single (given it's pretty likely that if she married or moved in with a childless man her age they'd probably have at least one child together).

You can be involved or not, but your approval or disapproval won't change her mind about anything other than how much to involve you in her and her son's life. If you think it will go wrong it's more important to stay involved, to pick up the pieces - so just stay neutral and don't make it about what you want/ hope for.

I think blended families can definitely be trickier. But what is the alternative? She is only 20, so won't be wanting to remain single I don't imagine. Boys her age most likely won't be looking to become stepdads. I don't think this guy is automatically a bad choice because he is older with kids.

Hopefully he makes a better impression on you when you meet him properly

You are being really weird.

I agree with this.

She will have less options as a single Mum at age 20 than if she didn’t have children, as a lot of single young men won’t want to take on someone else’s baby.

Blended families can be extremely tricky, but some work well.

So you are annoyed that your daughters partners children have another parent but your grandson hasn’t?

Bizarre!

Is your dd happy?

Is she happy?
Is he pleasant?
Does he have a job?
Is he engaged with his dc and puts them first?
Lots to think about before age and whether he has dc or not..

What exactly is the issue???? The GS father isn’t around, so what? What’s that got to do with it.

Who on earth did you think your DD with a young child was going to meet? It was always probable that she would meet someone with children themselves. An unattached, childfree, young man was a very unlikely match.

He has his kids 50/50 so is (hopefully) around for them and doing his share of the parenting.

Is he amicable with his ex?

It’s also a good sign the kids haven’t all been forced to play families and they are taking it slow. Has he met your grandson? Has she met his kids? I wasn’t sure from your original post if it was just the kids who hadn’t met yet.

Doesn't sound like there are any glaringly obvious red flags so far. As another poster said, your daughter’s priorities are different to most others of her age so a slightly older guy with kids isn’t a bad thing. At least he’s not 40!

There all kinds of blended families that do or don't work. There is no crystal ball that can predict the future.

Your adult daughters relationship is none of your business unless she asks you to get involved.

To be honest the bio dad i liked very much how wrong was i, he got another girl pregnant and started a family with her and left my daughter at 12 weeks pregnant

When did I say that I just said its harder because there is two parents involved not just one so not bizarre at all

I believe so yes,
I havnt met him yet so unsure but he sounds pleasant.
Yes they both have very good jobs age doesn't really bother me, Myself and hubby have a large gap

I believe so yes,
I havnt met him yet so unsure but he sounds pleasant.
Yes they both have very good jobs age doesn't really bother me, Myself and hubby have a large gap

Yawn, your daughter is just another boring statistic that has shacked up with another parent, who don’t think of the kids. Best bit of advice you can give her is tell her to go on the stepparent threads on here

They haven’t shacked up, kids haven’t met (I guess they think it is too soon). Who isn’t thinking of the kids?

You need to keep your nose out and support your daughter’s own decisions. She is not 5

I think with this kind of attitude, it’s no wonder you are in this predicament.

I would be wondering why the guy and his former partner split up especially with such two very very young children