20 y/o daughter with a son in a relationship with man with 2 children

[Thenewnanny]

Not really sure how to write this my daughter is 20 and is in a relationship with a 29 yo male, my daughter has a son the sperm donor isn't around nor bothered about any sort of relationship.29 yo has 2 children they havnt introduced to each other yet but im pretty sure it wont be long. I am really struggling with how it will look in the future can it really work ? On my daughters side it can but on the man's side how can it ? There's a mother and father sharing 50 - 50 which i believe is somewhat harder these children are 2 & 4 can it really work ? I am trying my hardest to be supportive but ive chosen not to meet him as I wanted my grandson to have a dad he has a sperm donor but not a dad. I want the best for my grandson and im not sure this is it. There's not alot I can do about it id just like other people's opinions on this as im frightened that I will push my daughter away if I dont start to meet him etc.
Thank you

He sounds like an involved dad, which hopefully means he’s decent and loving. They’re both taking it slow with the introductions. If this relationship lasts, he may actually be the dad you’re hoping for.

We've had a similar thread about this sort of issue on MN.
At 20 the daughter is an adult and can make her own decisions.
You may not like her choices but you can't change them.
Let's hope she is sensible enough not to get pregnant with this guy ?

Meet the man and get to know him before you form an opinion as to whether he is treating your DD with respect.

Your DD has form for choosing men unwisely, the sperm donor type...so having her parents help quuz boyfriends can't be bad.

Stay close to your DD.
Remind her to keep following her desired career path and enjoyable hobbies and meeting her girlfriends.
Make sure she is well educated on contraception.

She has a child, but you want her up only be with someone who doesn’t have a child? It’s not weird both parents are involved, it should be normal. Did you want a father for your DGC who was not already a father?

Well it’s not ideal but plenty of relationships work.
Many fail but who knows.
Blended families are rarely good for the children. They are all about the adults wants and desires.
However , your dd is a young single parent so I would be meeting her boyfriend and getting to know him, not criticising him.

I am not on a high horse but I do think that those vitriolic feelings that you have are going to become quite clear to your grandson who is walking around with fifty percent of his genes from the man that you are talking about so negatively. You are naive to think that this won’t affect how he feels about himself. I’ve been a teacher for three decades and I’ve seen it a hundred times. The weight of knowing that not only did your father not want you but everyone hates him to is a lot to bear.

I know what your post is about as I gave some advice about the situation. I said I ditching the age gap was too big and that your daughter will have more in common with this man than most twenty year olds.

If she had no children I would be concerned she’s tying her self down unnecessarily early and they wouldn’t be in the same place. But in your case they both have young children and are in similar situations. They should take it slowly and make sure the kids are happy with the situation but there’s no reason it couldn’t work.

Does she live with you?

I think as a young single parent it makes sense to date another single parent as both at the same stage life wise.

It can lead to issues further down the line when there are issues of inequality, two of the children having involved parents. Means they have double the opportunities, presents, holidays. On the other side another child who lives with dad when they only get to see him half the time slso causes problems.

Being with someone child free also has problems. Whether or not they go on to have other children There’s often a lot of you’re not my Dad tension with teenage boys.

As a single parent I’ve chosen not to date until dc are adult age. I don’t think it’s in a child’s best interest to share a home with an unrelated male. I had dc later though so an easier decision. Not sure I’d of written off sex at 20!

I suppose my point is there aren’t any good choices your daughter can make, they all have a potential impact. I think you just need to be supportive.

According to your logic she should only be with a partner that has own kids with no 2nd parent involved. It’s very unlike to happen so she should be single forever?

because let’s face it, as harsh as it sound, most men without kids of their own would not want to date a single 20 yo mother and take up raising someone elses child.

I’ve just started the podcast that was popular about a year ago, The Foundling, this morning. About ten minutes in, she says that when she found out at age eleven that she had been abandoned she was upset and thought her ‘roots were rotten’ and that she had ‘come from someone who did a bad thing’.

because let’s face it, as harsh as it sound, most men without kids of their own would not want to date a single 20 yo mother and take up raising someone elses child.

This, especially men of her own age.

It sounds like you're just thinking aloud and voicing your concerns but it's pretty early days. Lots of people step in and become step-parents. It's not uncommon and it works or it doesn't. Some women end up being friends with their stepkids mothers. Who can say?

Yes this.
Nobody wants to join a blended family.
She will just have to deal with her partners kids just like he deals with her child who will be there 100 per cent of the time.
Blended families aren't ideal but unless she has a child with this new partner she can walk away completely free anytime she feels like it

Well there’s not going to be many men in their early 20s interested in someone with a child, it’s not that much of a gap as they are in the same season on life. You can’t do anything as she’s 20 anyway so just be there for her and be kind.

Are they planning on a 50/50 one of their own ?

If your objective is to support your daughter, truly, then you might start by referring to the father of her child and your grandchild with a bit more respect. How is referring to him in this way helpful for anyone? Presumably it helps you get your difficult feelings off your chest? You're going to do have to find a more healthy and grown up way of managing them going forward as there are testing times ahead for her.

Support her, yes, great. She's going to need it. Ask her what that would look like for her, and be willing to take the feedback.

Do you know who I feel sorry for? The three children who at some point will be dragged into this and then it won’t last .

If my mum was so negative about my life and the things that happen in it, I would stop involving her.

You do realise you refusing to meet him
ks t going to end the relationship? At best you make her want to stay with someone unsuitable more likely.
Jjst meet him it’s her choice