Strategy to prevent situation from becoming the new normal

[JulietteRoche]

It's another MIL one. My DH's mother has a chronic illness and is in and out of hospital a lot. This has resulted in mission creep with him doing more and more and I seem to be getting sucked in (and starting to resent it) DH has a sibling but they are utterly useless and do absolutely nothing. I obviously want to support my husband, but I also do not want my forties to become overshadowed by someone else's I'll health. I also think my husband needs to place more boundaries, but that is actually between him and his mother. I just want advice on how to make sure I dont get sucked in to doing more and more. It is affecting my mental health. Has anyone else been through similar, and if so, what do you advise?

I think all you can do is communicate your boundaries clearly to your husband, enforce them for yourself, and try to make sure he's communicating to you in return.

Thank you. I'm inclined to agree. There are no magic words really. I would like to tell him to tell his sibling to step up, but they have quite deep seated psychological issues which makes that unlikely to happen. The whole situation is incredibly draining and I cannot let it affect me any more.

I fully understand but... Isn't that what you signed up for when you chose to spend your life with someone? People come with families and as they age, they need help. How will you cope when you get ill? Having said that, I would say that a good way to approach this might be to remind your partner, that you both only have X years of youth left and that you want to enjoy those years together with him.

I would volunteer to help but state how many days a month you can realistically manage. Then bring up the sibling and any other family and immediately highlight that care services might need to be obtained. Your partner might feel the same anyway so worth asking how he feels about this situation first.

No, it isn't, frankly.

I also think my husband needs to place more boundaries, but that is actually between him and his mother.
Assert your own boundaries with DH too. Have a good think what your boundaries look like, as well as what you would prefer his to be, and then have a serious chat.

So what are your boundaries? Only help with hospital lifts? Only help with the house admin ie paying bills? Researching carers and cleaners? Or only willing to let him vent for an hour a week about how life has turned out?

What would you prefer his to be? Only helping with hospital lifts? Or lifts and shopping? Or only visit twice a week for an hour?

You cannot insist on his family helping so cross this off. DH can ask but he can't demand.

Thank you, this is really helpful. I think visiting once a week for a couple of hours, and listening to him vent is about my limit. I understand that I can't make his sibling do anything, but he hasn't even tried to approach them as they are a master of weaponised incompetence.

Mhmm so you hoped to sign up for a life with a partner who... would be totally okay with you backing out of any familial obligations? Isn't marriage to combine families? Would you abandon your own loved ones in their ill health? So bizarre you got married with that attitude to family. Not that it's always wrong to abandon people, just why get married.

I do fully empathise though. I would definitely state my limits on helping out but I wouldn't leave my partner in the lurch with it either. Good luck anyway.

What mission is being crept from when your husband helps his unwell mother? I would see caring for my parents and partner’s parents as their health declines as a likely part of my life. You know your relationships best but from what you describe, your situation sounds normal, families help each other. If you think the amount being asked of you is unreasonable or unmanageable then you need to make clear with your husband what you are and are not willing to do.

I don't care for my own parents either. It isn't a part of life IMO. I am not a nurse.

No you are not a nurse. But you are a daughter in law, a daughter, wife, sister in law. What if DH was unwell?

it is absolutely ok to set boundaries and to do so in a positive manner.

so either, take control and set them personally.

Or, take control and set them in more practical ways you are happy with.

eg,

This is the situation.

care is needed. That costs x. Does MIl have money to pay for that. Yes or no? If no, what are options, so on so on.

force BIL into the discussion. Make it clear what your family capabilities are.

My DH being unwell is entirely separate, of course I would care for him under those circumstances, or rather arrange care. My MIL is however not my responsibility.

Thank you to all who have come up with ideas for how to frame this. I do have to say that I find the 'its a part of life' comments unhelpful. That's why I posted, because I have no intention of it becoming a part of my life except in a very limited way. I am terrified of being curtailed as I have seen friends of mine curtailed by the demands of elderly and capricious parents. That just isn't what I signed up for.

Christ 😳

Fuck I hope you never become ill and need help 😬

I'm not sure I care about the opinion of someone with such a bizarre username, if I'm honest.

Do you have anything constructive or helpful to add? This is relationships, not AIBU.

It’s only a part of life if you let it. It’s interesting that there are always massive expectations of women in these kind of situations. But little or no expectations of men and if they do anything then they are basically saints. I can see why you don’t wish it to dominate your lives and it’s heading in that direction. I would advise your husband how much you are willing to do but he will also have to find his own boundaries. I’m assuming you both have jobs, plus may well have children and other caring responsibilities. There are only so many hours in the day

Thank you so much, this is it exactly. We actually don't have children as I dislike any being having dependency on me. If I'm not going to look after children, I'm sure as hell not doing elder care. Thanks so much for getting it and not finger wagging.

If that’s how you feel you’ll just have to be honest with him. You haven’t minced your words here so I expect you’re capable of getting the message across clearly.

Obviously, I'll speak a little more gently but yes, you're basically correct. No way are my forties going to be swallowed up by this.

It's one thing to sacrifice your time and energy for someone you love, but quite another to do it for someone you don't. Even caring for someone you love can lead to problems;Cari g for someone you don't feel a deep bond with is a recipe for resentment.
Not everyone has it in them to do this and really, if it's not a freely made choice, no relative should be manoeuvred into taking this on. I wouldn't do it for a mil - I'd do it for my mum if I had to but yes, it is a waste of one's own life. You never get that time back!

I think you and Dh need to sort out the practicalities - what can be outsourced, such as food deliveries, a cleaner, someone to mow the grass. I don't know that you do about hospital appointments and whether you can pay someone to drive mil to and from. Taxis aren't always available or reliable. But you do need to protect your time whilst also not neglecting that mil needs - she is allowed to ask for and receive help from her children. If he inclined to talk to bil directly about doing his share !

You married him knowing he has a useless sibling and a chronically ill mother presumably also because of qualities that can be a vulnerability in situations when the mother needs more help and the sibling doesn't step up. It's a very slippery slope and you're right to be concerned.

Did that topic ever come up before in the context of not having children? Your reasoning and openness regarding the latter should make it much easier to talk about it because DH knows what you're about.

Is DH even aware of what is happening? Does the sibling have a family of their own?

As PP suggested I'd make a list of things you're willing to do solely because you love your DH as well as one of things that are not acceptable. There can be no exceptions which means you need to cover for emergencies (DH being ill) and what practical help to get for MIL.

Any advice I might have had has already been given. I'm only posting to say I'd be exactly the same and I'm sure some of the more judgy pps wouldn't be quite so willing in reality either!

op sounds like a charm 🤢

How kind of you to volunteer your time! When are you available to help out?