Strategy to prevent situation from becoming the new normal

[JulietteRoche]

It's another MIL one. My DH's mother has a chronic illness and is in and out of hospital a lot. This has resulted in mission creep with him doing more and more and I seem to be getting sucked in (and starting to resent it) DH has a sibling but they are utterly useless and do absolutely nothing. I obviously want to support my husband, but I also do not want my forties to become overshadowed by someone else's I'll health. I also think my husband needs to place more boundaries, but that is actually between him and his mother. I just want advice on how to make sure I dont get sucked in to doing more and more. It is affecting my mental health. Has anyone else been through similar, and if so, what do you advise?

Thank you. The judgypants are either hypocrites who wouldn't do this themselves, or martyrs who have no boundaries and resent those who do.

Your mental health is suffering because your husband is helping out his chronically unwell mother?

Gosh. I feel really badly for your husband. He sounds like a good man stuck in an impossible situation. Maybe you would be better to divorce and each find partners who share your values. You may not find the men who share yours are wonderful partners, but at least they wont help out their sick parents causing deteriorations in your mental health.

@JulietteRoche you could ask for your thread to be moved to Elderly Parents as you may receive useful posts there regarding ‘mission creep’

Just say no, set your boundaries. It’s what I had to do when FIL had dementia and clearly needed to be in a home.

Ultimately you and your DH each have to decide which you find easiest to live with: resentment or guilt.

You are already seeing the 'boiling frog' scenario playing out.

Time for a frank discussion with DH. DMiL is unlikely to make a miraculous recovery. Make it clear to DH that you arent part of DMiL's 'care team'. Also make clear to DH the limits to which you will support him to support DMiL. If DH allows it to happen, supporting DMiL will become a 24/7 job and even then it wont be enough.

What is your DH doing now, in a typical week?

Set your own boundaries, your husband’s are his own to set though and that is on his conscience. Tell him to push for any support that may be available to MIL.

I understand op. I had a chuckle at “mission creep” because that’s exactly how I’m feeling about things with my in-laws atm. As their mobility has dwindled we were very slowly expected to do more and more for them. Before I knew it I was there everyday sorting things and my weekends were spent sitting with the one so the other could be taken shopping my dh. The other weekend day was full of odd jobs. I have a family of my own that I wasn’t getting to see much (grandchildren). We could no longer go away or visit our adult dc. There was a sibling but they popped in once a week and that was it. I’d sit there on a weekend thinking wtf am I doing here! While the sibling was posting holiday pics and nice day trips.

so I took a step back. I decided I was no longer available for weekends, my dc and gc were my priority. I’d do a couple of weekday evenings. DH wanted to carry on helping out and that was absolutely fine by me.

that was five years ago now. DH is now run ragged with the amount of extra care he’s putting in, on top of a full time job. We see him for about an hour a day if we are lucky. They have paid for carers. But they also want a lot of things doing in between. So DH fills the gaps. His choice. I’ll support him through this but I’m not going to lie I do feel resentful.

have a think about what you’re willing to give then stick to it. It really pissed me off that at the beginning of all this it was me that most of the suggestions for help fell too, because I’m a woman, because I was working part time (as I had a dc at school then). No one expected a thing from my DH when my df was in need of care!

I am chronically ill and probably a similar age to MIL.
It is a horrible feeling, if you are a decent person you do feel like a burden.
I cared for both of my parents at your age whilst being ill myself. It’s a fact of life for a lot of us, depending on the age of our parents.
I do my absolute best to not to ask anyone for anything but there are times when I do need help.
I am sorry the sibling doesn’t help but that’s quite common.
You sound like you don’t like your MIL very much.
A lot of this depends on how ill she is and/or demanding she is. If she is demanding your DH attend to her when she doesn’t actually need help, that can be a bugbear and I get it.
But if she genuinely needs help and he helps her then I’m not sure what else you can do apart from divorce him.
Because he sounds like a decent man.

He can do what he wants, it is when it involves me that I resent it and I am stepping back from it. It also annoys me that he won't lean more on the sibling who is unemployed and has no reason not to help aside from bone idleness.

He can do what he wants, it is when it involves me that I resent it and I am stepping back from it. It also annoys me that he won't lean more on the sibling who is unemployed and has no reason not to help aside from bone idleness.

My god that sounds like an utter nightmare. You poor thing. More fool your husband. My situation isn't as bad as that, thank goodness. But yes, that is exactly what I'm talking about.