In laws

[Livwell]

Husband and I have been together 16 years and have 2 kids. We get the impression in laws didn't want us to stay together and don't think our relationship will last, always felt the opposite of support from them in that sense. At times I have sensed jealousy from MIL when we go on holiday etc and an uncaring coldness, Im not really bothered.

Mother in law called my husband to say they have written their will, who they have left things to etc and that and if he passes away his spouse won't get anything it will go straight to the children instead. They called him to tell him this on a day our baby was admitted into hospital needing oxygen as she has a cardiac condition and caught a bad cold, she is due a heart operation soon (they will be on a cruise around the operation date) she has downs syndrome and we also have a 4 year old, who needs us especially during these times. (during the phone call his mother was also complaining that his brother's door lock is broken, he has special needs and a carer, and trying to make him feel bad that he didn't help) he got very depressed after this phone call.

I don't want or expect anything from them, even when it comes to help, we only ask if we are desperate.They say let us know if you need anything. Our daughter slept over a handful of times while I was in labour and during her sibling's medical procedures etc because we don't have anyone else unfortunately, even then my husband always goes back and stays with her when he can and I stay in hospital.

I don't know much about wills and realise that it's common practice to leave things to your children and grandchildren, direct line and not spouses. I am always aware he will get inheritance taxed and then it will be inheritance taxed again if something happens to him and it then goes to the children.

I would understand it more if we didn't have children or they were grown up and didn't need me so much. I have cut back on work as much as I could to look after them until they are ready for nursery, preschool etc, this is my choice and at the moment while mat leave has ended months ago I don't want to and cannot send my youngest to nursery until she at least has her heart operation and is doing well. I do part time evening/weekend shifts at times when my husband can be at home to look after the kids. This is unpredictable due to unplanned hospital stays. I still want to be able to look after her as much as I can after her operation. although this is not an option for financial reasons I need to work and hopefully can be self sufficient should something happen to my husband, I can still look after them by myself without anyones help as much as help is needed at times.

I find their actions, including the will speak volumes. Their decision doesn't surprise me at all and maybe in some ways it is a relief? Would love some in depth thoughts on this

If your MIL leaves everything to your dh in her will, she can’t specify it must go to your kids if he dies. His Will will override any wishes she has.

Why are you going on holiday with someone who seems to give zero fucks about your kid being in hospital? Hope she is ok.

It’s their money and they want it to go to their direct descendants. If their son were to predecease them you could remarry and their money would go to a complete stranger to them. This is quite unlikely to happen and therefore you are quite likely to benefit from their estate. You are being very unreasonable in my opinion.

If he passes away before them I should have wrote

She is doing well thank you. I must have written this wrong, I meant when we go away together as a couple before the kids or family after , not with in laws

It’s a standard clause to be honest. I think most people I know have a similar will.

You are overthinking it because of your experiences with ILS and their unpleasant behaviour.

Dont focus on this, but do step back in terms of no more holidays and minimise your contact with them. DH can lead on seeing them if he wants but you really don’t have to.

By stranger you mean the new spouse? That's assuming I remarried and assuming I don't write a will leaving it to my children not spouse. I would leave everything to them whether I remarry or not but I don't expect them to know or believe that.

I think that’s normal with regards to the will. Their behaviour and lack of care towards their granddaughter is what I’d be annoyed about.

I think their arrangements are completely normal and sensible @Livwell . What is not normal or sensible is them making a point of it and telling you both, that is unpleasant.

Make sure that both you and DH have good life cover that goes to each other only. Sort the recipients for any death in service policies at your jobs too.

Mother in law called my husband to say they have written their will, who they have left things to etc and that and if he passes away his spouse won't get anything it will go straight to the children instead.

This is completely typical, it would be very unusual for parents to give inheritance directly to a DIL rather than for their grandchildren. I don’t think your work situation really comes into it, that’s between you and your DH not his parents.

Seems as though you don’t like them and they don’t like you . It’s quite common to write their will as they have . Their grandchildren will still be the beneficiaries if their son passes first .

Agree with all the others its standard practice.

have you made a will yourself? Who have you left your money to? I expect its your children.

If your husband was going to die, why would your in laws leave their estate to you? They'd leave it to their grandkids. I'm not sure why you think it should go to you?
Them not helping os another issue altogether. Their not liking you is also.

sadly it’s not unusual for a mother and father to want to leave money to their direct bloodline excluding the spouse, I don’t really understand this, but I guess it’s to prevent the money going to a second husband (& step children)if your first husband dies after he has inherited. A basic will will mean if your husband inherits then if he has a will the money on his death will be distributed according to his will. You need to ensure you both get wills leaving your money and assets to each other. However if they have set up a trust they can stipulate beneficiaries (which you will be excluded from). I really don’t understand why parents do this, excluding the mother of their grandchildren.

My late paternal grandmother did a will that excluded myself and my two brothers from inheriting my father's share, if he had died before her. My father has a younger brother, his half-share would have gone to his children.

My grandmother hated my mother, wasn't too fond of us by extension, so I wasn't that surprised. Still not nice seeing it in black and white, though.

Their estate arrangements arent that unusual

But pointing out (even if it hadn’t been with such insensitive timing) is very poor form.

I wouldn't worry about it, statistically speaking you are likely to have the last laugh.

Your DH is likely to outlive his parents, and you are likely to outlive him, so their estate may come to you anyway.

Even if your DH did predecease them, if your children were under 18 you’d be in control of their funds, even if they were over 18 you’d likely be advising them.

I would nod, and smile and put it out of your head.

Very best wishes to your little DD for her op.

Yes, my husband died early and my mil left her money to my children.
I had inherited from my husband so didn't need her money too.

I'm remarried. My money will go to my children. My husband has plenty. I plan to sell my house where we live and buy one together with my husband. My excess money from the sale will go to my children now rather than in 20 or so years time when I die. I I left everything to my new husband my children could get nothing

I'm not sure why they would know or care what you might intend to do with your money or your will. They have told your DH the contents of their will which sound perfectly normal. It was shitty that they rang on a day that your DD had to go to hospital, although it's not clear whether they were aware of this.

Your DH could have ignored the phone call or said, 'I can't talk now, because we are gearing up to take DD to hospital.' I don't honestly see why you are even thinking about it - I'm vaguely assuming you are 30s/early 40s which probably means the ILs might well be 60 ish and live for another 20 or 30 years. Who they are leaving money to is pretty irrelevant. My MIL is very fond of me, but I know she's simply divided her money between her actual kids, and I think she's left a small sum to each GC. I wouldn't expect her to leave me anything. Why would she?

I will be leaving my money to my own kids, not to their spouses.

That's pretty much what everyone does isn't it, why would you expect to inherit from your inlaws if DH alreadu dead?

My will specifically names DS or his descendents should DS predecease me.

Yes why tell us, she was very eager to call that evening to let us know despite knowing we were in hospital

Not nice at all and not an excuse to feel that way about you the grandchildren

Yeah totally normal to leave out partners in wills.

She made a point of telling my husbad that none of the three spouses will receive anything, the other 2 are recent second marriage and unmarried relationship and will not have children together due to their ages. They also don't have a baby who will be dependent on them for life due to disabilities

And to mention we have been together 17 years

I don't expect any inheritance from them, it's the way she called and the way she made a point to him that I will no receive anything.