In laws

[Livwell]

Husband and I have been together 16 years and have 2 kids. We get the impression in laws didn't want us to stay together and don't think our relationship will last, always felt the opposite of support from them in that sense. At times I have sensed jealousy from MIL when we go on holiday etc and an uncaring coldness, Im not really bothered.

Mother in law called my husband to say they have written their will, who they have left things to etc and that and if he passes away his spouse won't get anything it will go straight to the children instead. They called him to tell him this on a day our baby was admitted into hospital needing oxygen as she has a cardiac condition and caught a bad cold, she is due a heart operation soon (they will be on a cruise around the operation date) she has downs syndrome and we also have a 4 year old, who needs us especially during these times. (during the phone call his mother was also complaining that his brother's door lock is broken, he has special needs and a carer, and trying to make him feel bad that he didn't help) he got very depressed after this phone call.

I don't want or expect anything from them, even when it comes to help, we only ask if we are desperate.They say let us know if you need anything. Our daughter slept over a handful of times while I was in labour and during her sibling's medical procedures etc because we don't have anyone else unfortunately, even then my husband always goes back and stays with her when he can and I stay in hospital.

I don't know much about wills and realise that it's common practice to leave things to your children and grandchildren, direct line and not spouses. I am always aware he will get inheritance taxed and then it will be inheritance taxed again if something happens to him and it then goes to the children.

I would understand it more if we didn't have children or they were grown up and didn't need me so much. I have cut back on work as much as I could to look after them until they are ready for nursery, preschool etc, this is my choice and at the moment while mat leave has ended months ago I don't want to and cannot send my youngest to nursery until she at least has her heart operation and is doing well. I do part time evening/weekend shifts at times when my husband can be at home to look after the kids. This is unpredictable due to unplanned hospital stays. I still want to be able to look after her as much as I can after her operation. although this is not an option for financial reasons I need to work and hopefully can be self sufficient should something happen to my husband, I can still look after them by myself without anyones help as much as help is needed at times.

I find their actions, including the will speak volumes. Their decision doesn't surprise me at all and maybe in some ways it is a relief? Would love some in depth thoughts on this

That’s what my parents’ will says. Utterly normal. And they really like my DH. I assume my ILs’ will was the same (I don’t actually know, but it makes sense).

That's a perfectly usual provision in a will. 99 percent of standard wills will say this. No idea why MIL wanted to explain it to your dh - it does seem like she doesn't like you.

I also have no idea why you go on holidays with people who don't like you.

She made a point of calling him while dealing with something difficult and to make a point that I won't receive anything too. We don't holiday with them, when we go on holiday and have a great time she gets jealous. The more I think and write about this the more emotionally unhealthy I realise they are and don't want to have anything to do with them

That’s not what happened though. You said above that your husband was told none of the in laws would inherit, not just you specifically.

as for them being “eager” to tell your husband, the fact your daughter was in hospital probably brought their mortality to their minds. You’re certainly imputing an emotion (“eagerness”) into a phone call that you weren’t part of (did you husband say they couldn’t wait to tell him or is that what you believe?).

anyway it’s a normal will provision. The timing was of course terrible, but don’t let your hatred for them cloud your judgement.

Yeah, that's rude af - you shouldn't expect anything or really even be given anything but to explicitly call to make this point and while your child was ill (if I recall correctly) - sounds like a spiteful piece of shit and I would just blank them from now on. I would block them and maybe be passive aggressive enough to post about what happened with your horrible in-laws on social media - give them a taste of their own medicine.

weve got very similar clauses in our wills. If our daughter dies before us, then much as I like our son in law I don’t want everything we’ve spent over 50 years working for to end up being shared with his family on the other side of the world who we’ve never met.

It's a standard, Will. My parents' will is the same. Me and my siblings and I get a 33% share each. If one of us dies, then our share will pass to that person's children. The child inherits 25. My parents love my H, and he isn't mentioned at all. My in-laws love me and im not mentioned FILs will.

Its about the will but its not anout the will. Could everyone please stop stating the obvious and deal with the underlying isdue which is that the in laws are extremely spiteful and have deliberately called their som to tell him this stupid estate issue while his baby is in hospital? The idea that they “needed to tell him” this absolute boilerplate info is absurd they just wanted to hurt him.

You seem fixated on how you would need their inheritance if your husband were to die before them.

as everyone has said it is completely understandable and usual that you won’t get his inheritance in these circumstances. But does your husband not have life insurance? It sounds like you think you could be destitute if he dies young. You can’t rely on an inheritance to provide for you, see a final advisor and get some good life insurance.

While your in laws don’t sound great, they don’t have to include you in their will.

And just to be clear, your husband won't pay inheritance tax on the money left to him in wills. It's paid by the estate prior to distribution.

It's interesting you mention this, women have a very different role when it comes to raising children and they sacrifice time and money to look after them and raise them(not to mention pregnancy, labour, postpartum etc) I know we do this because we want to ad expect nothing for it although this is why a comparison between dads. and mums can't be mad( It doesn't mean men don't sacrifice or look after them) add a child who will be dependent on their parents for life due to a disability. Anyway like I said I don't expect anything and understand why it goes down a direct line, I would give my children anything they need and everything I have. Calling under the circumstances and making a point about how spouses won't get anything... Yes we get it if it could be any more obvious. Also they are going on a cruise the week of their granddaughter's open heart surgery.

Yes most caring people would be worried, ask how we are doing, is eh going to be ok.. maybe visit or offer to help bringing a hot dinner over for the family, or offer to distract and keep the other daughter company...ask if u need anything, not make everything about them and go out of their way to show how much they don't care and put an emphasis that spouse is not getting anything etc..she called him just a few hours of going into hospital and he said we are busy and explained, she said it was really important and that she will speak to him later and then went on to call back in the evening to talk about the will and complain about his brother's door lock so on