I'm not entirely sure what I'm hoping to get out of posting this. Maybe some perspective from women who have been through something similar, or simply an outside opinion, because I feel like I've been going around in circles in my own head lately.
I have a history of domestic abuse, both from my father and from a previous boyfriend, and I have CPTSD as a result. I'm now in a new relationship (4 months) with someone I genuinely care about, but I've been struggling with this constant fear that I'm either overlooking warning signs or interpreting perfectly innocent things as threatening because of my past.
There have been times when my boyfriend has spoken to me in a way that felt quite condescending, arrogant or dismissive. I've brought this up, and to his credit, he has made an effort to change. Things have been better lately. But I can't shake the fear that it's temporary, especially because I've experienced similar patterns before.
The bigger issue, though, is physical and sexual intimacy.
I have vaginismus and dyspareunia, and intimacy has always been associated with pain, discomfort and negative emotions for me. But lately I've realised that I genuinely don't want sexual intimacy at all (at least not now - we had quite a big fight about his behaviour 4 weeks ago). I've told my boyfriend this repeatedly. I've told him that if I never had to have sex again, I'd honestly be relieved.
He sees intimacy very differently. He often tells me how much he desires me, how attractive he finds me as a woman, and that he's sure I'll eventually learn to enjoy sex. He suggests things like lighting candles or creating a more romantic atmosphere. I understand that he might genuinely be trying to help, but it feels like he's constantly looking for ways to make me want something I've already told him I don't want.
What's especially difficult is that sometimes, when we're physically intimate, something suddenly switches in me. I go from trying to tolerate the situation to feeling completely disgusted, sad and overwhelmed. I stop responding entirely. I don't move, I don't make any sounds, and I can't bring myself to say anything. I just freeze.
And he continues touching me. Sometimes he even takes things further, touching more intimate parts of my body, despite me not responding at all.
I haven't explicitly told him about these freezing episodes because, honestly, I don't feel comfortable making myself that vulnerable around him. Something about the idea of him knowing that I sometimes become unable to speak or react makes me feel unsafe. I know he can't read my mind, and I don't know whether he genuinely doesn't notice what's happening or whether he notices and chooses to continue.
But he does know how I feel about intimacy in general. We've had many conversations about it. He knows I don't want it, that it can hurt, and that I struggle with it emotionally.
I've caught myself thinking that maybe I could just put the physical side of our relationship aside and somehow endure it. But I can't. And I don't think I should have to.
I also feel guilty because I know intimacy matters to him, and I'm scared that even if he agreed to stop completely, he might eventually resent me for it. I don't want him to feel like he's sacrificing something fundamental just to be with me.
I think what scares me most is that I genuinely can't tell how much of my fear comes from my past and how much is a response to what's happening now.
I don't want to unfairly judge him through the lens of what other people have done to me. But I also don't want to dismiss my instincts and end up in another relationship where my boundaries aren't respected.
I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable discussing this with, so I'd really appreciate some outside perspectives.
Does any of this sound concerning from an outside perspective? Has anyone with a history of abuse struggled to distinguish trauma responses from genuine red flags in a new relationship? How did you learn to trust your own judgement again?