Is my past trauma making me see red flags everywhere, or should I be concerned about my bf's behaviour?

[ByFlakyMoose]

I'm not entirely sure what I'm hoping to get out of posting this. Maybe some perspective from women who have been through something similar, or simply an outside opinion, because I feel like I've been going around in circles in my own head lately.
I have a history of domestic abuse, both from my father and from a previous boyfriend, and I have CPTSD as a result. I'm now in a new relationship (4 months) with someone I genuinely care about, but I've been struggling with this constant fear that I'm either overlooking warning signs or interpreting perfectly innocent things as threatening because of my past.
There have been times when my boyfriend has spoken to me in a way that felt quite condescending, arrogant or dismissive. I've brought this up, and to his credit, he has made an effort to change. Things have been better lately. But I can't shake the fear that it's temporary, especially because I've experienced similar patterns before.
The bigger issue, though, is physical and sexual intimacy.
I have vaginismus and dyspareunia, and intimacy has always been associated with pain, discomfort and negative emotions for me. But lately I've realised that I genuinely don't want sexual intimacy at all (at least not now - we had quite a big fight about his behaviour 4 weeks ago). I've told my boyfriend this repeatedly. I've told him that if I never had to have sex again, I'd honestly be relieved.
He sees intimacy very differently. He often tells me how much he desires me, how attractive he finds me as a woman, and that he's sure I'll eventually learn to enjoy sex. He suggests things like lighting candles or creating a more romantic atmosphere. I understand that he might genuinely be trying to help, but it feels like he's constantly looking for ways to make me want something I've already told him I don't want.
What's especially difficult is that sometimes, when we're physically intimate, something suddenly switches in me. I go from trying to tolerate the situation to feeling completely disgusted, sad and overwhelmed. I stop responding entirely. I don't move, I don't make any sounds, and I can't bring myself to say anything. I just freeze.
And he continues touching me. Sometimes he even takes things further, touching more intimate parts of my body, despite me not responding at all.
I haven't explicitly told him about these freezing episodes because, honestly, I don't feel comfortable making myself that vulnerable around him. Something about the idea of him knowing that I sometimes become unable to speak or react makes me feel unsafe. I know he can't read my mind, and I don't know whether he genuinely doesn't notice what's happening or whether he notices and chooses to continue.
But he does know how I feel about intimacy in general. We've had many conversations about it. He knows I don't want it, that it can hurt, and that I struggle with it emotionally.
I've caught myself thinking that maybe I could just put the physical side of our relationship aside and somehow endure it. But I can't. And I don't think I should have to.
I also feel guilty because I know intimacy matters to him, and I'm scared that even if he agreed to stop completely, he might eventually resent me for it. I don't want him to feel like he's sacrificing something fundamental just to be with me.
I think what scares me most is that I genuinely can't tell how much of my fear comes from my past and how much is a response to what's happening now.
I don't want to unfairly judge him through the lens of what other people have done to me. But I also don't want to dismiss my instincts and end up in another relationship where my boundaries aren't respected.
I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable discussing this with, so I'd really appreciate some outside perspectives.
Does any of this sound concerning from an outside perspective? Has anyone with a history of abuse struggled to distinguish trauma responses from genuine red flags in a new relationship? How did you learn to trust your own judgement again?

Allow him to move on with someone who wants a loving relationship. Its not fair on him or you to continue this relationship. He sound like he's quite patient with you. But long term it won't work.

If he’s continuing to touch you when you have frozen, and is fully aware that you have issues around intimacy that is a massive red flag. At best he doesn’t care about whether you consent, at worst he’s actually attracted by it. To be fair any relationship where you are hoping things will improve 4 months in is a non starter. As a PP said that is when they are on their best behaviour. It’s only likely to get worse. I think your instincts are right on this one.

With all due respect, why seek out and start a relationship if you know you don't want sex? Surely just stay single, and the problem is avoided?

He does not sound like he cares enough to make you feel at ease and as he is just focused on his own feelings and not yours, you are not 100% comfortable.

He is rebelling against you because he lacks compassion and patience.He is also intolerant and I suggest you think carefully about wether to continue with this relationship because it all seems like he does not understand your needs.

You should be safe, you should feel valued, you should bee loved as well as secure and your life can be so much better than it is right now with this man.

it seems like you are getting a very raw deal from this relationship.

That is not fair on you.
You will not find the security you need unless he changes his attitude.

He is about as compassionate as a brick, selfish and ignorant of your needs.

I wanted to address a few things that keep coming up in the comments.

First, what was the argument about?
It actually had nothing to do with sex or intimacy. It started with a misunderstanding: I sent him a message that was meant to be sweet and affectionate, but he interpreted it as criticism. Instead of telling me that something had upset him, he became distant and cold. When I eventually brought it up and asked what was wrong, things escalated. He started accusing me of things, questioning my intentions and saying he didn't trust me.
The way he spoke to me felt condescending and dismissive and he even raised his voice at me, and I genuinely thought our relationship was over. Afterwards, he became extremely apologetic and started making efforts to repair things, including romantic gestures. His behaviour has improved since, but I still feel like something broke in me that day. I used to trust him completely, and now I don't know how to get that feeling back.

Second, when did I tell him about how I feel about sex?
I told him on our third date, when it was becoming clear that we both wanted a serious relationship, that I didn't want sex and wouldn't be ready for it anytime soon. I was very explicit that there was no timeline, that it could take years before I even started developing a more positive relationship with intimacy, and that I couldn't promise it would ever happen. He knew this before we became a couple. The last thing I wanted to do was leading him on... He said he was okay with it and that we could go as slow as I wish.
Despite that, I was genuinely open to exploring intimacy with him, partly encouraged by my therapist, and I actually made more progress than I ever had before. That changed after the argument four weeks ago.

And finally, to those suggesting I should just stay single:
I think we might simply have very different understandings of what a romantic relationship means.
To me, a partner is my closest friend, someone I can tell absolutely everything to, someone with whom I explicitly choose to build a life and make a commitment to each other. Someone I want to share a home with, raise children with, become part of each other's families, celebrate our birthdays together, just the two of us, and know on a level of detail that goes far beyond an ordinary friendship.
I've never considered sex the defining feature of a romantic relationship, and I honestly struggle to understand why its absence would automatically make all of that just a friendship.
I do understand that sexual compatibility matters, and I respect that sex can be very important to other people, including my boyfriend. But I don't believe that not wanting sex makes someone incapable of loving or being loved romantically.

What did your message to him say?

You say you "used to trust him completely" until the argument 4 weeks ago, but you've only been together for 4 months. That's not long enough to learn to trust someone completely. At this stage in a relationship you're still getting to know each other and trust is being built. You don't start by trusting someone completely.

Conflict is natural in relationships. The key is whether or not you're able to repair and to move forward positively, integrating the lessons that the conflict brought with it. It sounds like he has shown remorse and sought to update his behaviour after the argument, but you've not been able to move on. What would it take? You're not going to get the 'complete trust' back because starting a new relationship isn't about investing complete trust from day 1, it's about getting to know them gradually and building trust and learning about each other together, through both conflict and harmony.

It really really is so hard to remember that all of this angst is over a period of 4 months. You cannot know a person in that amount of time so your bodies response to whatever he did or said really should be a huge bell ringing for you but you seem to be almost obsessed with wanting this guy around.

and I respect that sex can be very important to other people, including my boyfriend

Okay, so find someone whose idea of a romantic relationship is the same as yours. In the meantime, break up with your boyfriend whose idea is not.

Unfortunately, OP, I think you'll find you're very much in the minority with the last point. For most people, sex is the single biggest differentiator between a friendship and a relationship.

I think there are some apps that are specially aimed at neurodiverse/asexual people, perhaps that's an option worth considering? But ultimately, trying to start a relationship when the vast majority of neurotypical people will (not unreasonably) expect a physical relationship seems like you're setting yourself for this to be a recurring problem.