DH working away - Burning Out

[HeyHoh2026]

Hi all, I work full time in a decent job and have 3 young DC while DH works away during the week. When hes home at weekends he's usually exhausted himself and barely able to function or contribute which leads to a constant cycle of arguments. I'm becoming increasingly burnt out. My mind is flip flopping between becoming a SAHM and wondering whether life would be easier on my own. Can anyone relate?

I’m a lone mom of 3 young children - it really depends on whether financially you have a job can which sustain your lifestyle If you divorce? If he works away do you honestly think he’ll change his job if you divorce so that you can split kids 50/50? (Which personally I don’t agree on subjecting children to)
how old are your children? They do get somewhat easier as they get older - harder in other ways but easier as well.

Why would it be easier on your own?

If he earns enough to never be home then I’d usually say bring a SAHM may help, but as you are thinking of leaving I’d say it’s deff best to keep your career. Have you spoken to him to ask him to change jobs so that he can participate in his family life?

If you manage all week with three children and a full time job he doesn't get to be exhausted at the weekends. He needs to step up.

I honestly feel caught in a bind. He's stuck with it for the time being doing a large scale project. I couldn't afford our current lifestyle would be okay.

How long has he had this job?

What hours is he working?

He feels too exhausted after a full work week away to do his fair share of family duties on a weekend. What about you working full time and managing three kids and the whole household and family life?How old are your kids?

He sounds pathetic tbh.

What does this mean exactly?

"barely able to function or contribute"

What does your weekend look like?

Surely he is happy to see the dc he has missed? And can spend some time with them Freeing you up to eg do your hobby

Pay cleaner etc if you both trying to do /expecting to do housework

Hours are long, 1 in school and 2 below.

Sounds as though your current arrangements aren't working for either of you.
You both need to sit down and look at what changes you can both make.

Has been a recent change in his work?

I'd normally say be a SAHM but you say you've got a decent job so it would be a shame to give it up.

Are you already doing everything you can to ease the pressure? Throw money at the problem with cleaners, au-pairs, gardeners, laundry services, if at all possible.

Do you have any family nearby that would be willing to help for a couple of years. I'd help my daughter out if she had the same predicament.

Yes more responsibilities taken on, won't go into full detail here.

And it’s going to be a long term thing? How long term?

Don't give up your job. Throw as much money as you can at it. Get a cleaner, or if you have one, get them for more time. Ditto a gardener. Get a gousto meal kit or similar.

Cut down on kids activities at the weekend if you have any and just make sure they get exercise outside. No ferrying them here and there

At the very, very most it would possibly be reasonable of your husband to have a lie in on a Saturday morning and then take until lunchtime for himself to go for a run and have a long hot shower or something to decompress after his work week. Then he could come down and feed the children their lunch, clean up and take them out fora bit of quality time with Daddy while you have a few hours to yourself. Then the rest of the weekend can be a split of family time, one-to-one time with the kids individually, chores, gardening, batch cooking etc.

What your husband absolutely does not have the right to do is to use YOU to pick up his slack at home so that he can go off and to The Big Job that appears to be benefitting no one: not him, if he's genuinely so wiped out by it; not his children, if they barely see their father; and not his wife, whose life is actively made harder by The Shitty Job.

What was he like beforehand?

Always prioritized work but not to this extent

So it’s a husband problem?

Buy in help.

Leave your H with the kids for half a day at the weekends. He will have to cope.

If all he’s done all week is work, with no parenting responsibilities than he’s effectively been on holiday. He needs to see a doctor if he’s unable to function at weekends that’s not normal after five days on only half duties.

Has he had bloods/got a grip?

No don't give up your job, why would you do that! Will he give up his job, as that is the problem job?
Why can't he function at weekends, is he ill, does he not want to spend time with you/ kids. Has he got someone else and that's why he's checked out?

Don't give up your job. You'll still be frustrated as hell with him at the weekends but won't have the flexibility to say "well I could manage on my own" and he will definitely think he is entitled to your labour 24/7

Can you buy in help - cleaner especially. Can you get a teenager to babysit a couple of hours at the weekend?

Is there any point in talking to him - sitting down calmly and asking him how he thinks marriage is going. A divorce is disruptive, expensive and certainly he will either have to abandon his children or step up far more than he is at the moment.

I worked with a lot of guys like your husband - but this was 20 years ago. They went off working on big engineering projects for weeks/months at a time. By and large their wives lived their own lives, built their own networks etc. A lot of those guys were terrified of retirement.

es good point paillisers, Ive tried this with babysitting but it's adhoc unreliable and in no way makes up for another active parent.Tartanboots it would probably be a different thread if that was the case but not beyond realms of possibility

Get yourself more time/energy by throwing money at the problem. Get babysitters, cleaners, etc, so YOU don't burn out. That way you keep your job and, if you can't stay married, at least you'll be able to support yourself. You don't say much about his job but usually if he were working away during the week, he would have evenings to recover from work since he wouldn't be doing childcare.

If babysitters aren't helpful, maybe try hiring someone to do a daily "reset" where they get some of the chores done so you don't have to do them yourself after work. You might be able to find someone willing to do an hour or two per day: make the beds, clean up the breakfast dishes, put on a load of laundry, chop the dinner veggies. A SAHM in your area, maybe?