DH working away - Burning Out

[HeyHoh2026]

Hi all, I work full time in a decent job and have 3 young DC while DH works away during the week. When hes home at weekends he's usually exhausted himself and barely able to function or contribute which leads to a constant cycle of arguments. I'm becoming increasingly burnt out. My mind is flip flopping between becoming a SAHM and wondering whether life would be easier on my own. Can anyone relate?

Does he not sleep much during the week.
Why is he so tired, even after resting Friday night and maybe Saturday morning.

Could you maybe drop a day at work or go part time til the younger children are at school ?
It sounds like you are both burned out and need a very big conversation. You need to tell him youre not happy. Its hard enough working full time with young kids and a present DH , never mind a DH who is never there and when he is , hes checked out.
You need to talk to him otherwise the resentment is going to build up too much.

He needs to see medical advice if a week's work leaves him unable to function at the weekend.

Please do not give up your job.

I was in a similar position last year and all my husband could suggest was that I quit work. I refused - thankfully!

But I ended up totally burnt out and off sick for months. During that time I realised it really would be easier on my own so we separated. It’s hard but it’s still easier.

Maybe you stay together, maybe you don’t. But if you quit your job it will be a lot harder for you if you do later decide to separate.

Whats he doing during the week? Digging roads by hand all day? I was a full time ward sister and single parent and still managed to enjoy days off without being bedbound if you keep yourself reasonably fit. We used to go out cycling a lot as a family.
Sounds like an excuse to me.
I still work full time at 64 and I have to do everything round here at the weekend. I have no option. You cant just opt out of life.

Neither.
I’d throw money at it. Get help - a cleaner and childcare one evening a week so you can recharge.

You need to have this talk with him, Saturday night, or whenever you're the most rested. How he responds will tell you what you need to know.

I finally left mine after it turned out that his working away hid all the other things he was getting up to.

And yes, being a single parent (he barely sees them once a month) is relentless (and mine were older by the time I finally made the split), you'd be surprised how much lighter you feel without the resentment (and with a lot less washing, not having to even consider someone else's opinion before doing something etc).

I do agree with the others, in the interim, cut corners. Drop whatever you can - ironing, get a robot hoover or a cleaner, hell - paper plates for snacks if the dishwasher is dragging you down, have enough clothes for the week that you just stack them on a sunday and take the next set each day, bung them all the wash at the end of the week and start again.

Surely its easier for him working away, finishing work and having no childcare duties, than working near home, finishing work, straight into school run, clubs, cooking tea, homework, bath and bedtime?!

Have you sat him down and told him this?!

I was a single parent for 5 years with a 18 month old and 6 year old and I was working.....i didnt have any time off I was with the children 24/7 in the week when I wasnt working, and at weekends we went out on one day on days out, from busy theme park days, to the beach, playbarns etc to just a nice walk round a NT place, but we were always out and the other weekend day was spent keeping on top of the housework/washing etc.
Yes i was tired, every parent is, but you cant just opt out!

It seems very sad as youd think hed have missed the kids and you and it would give him a burst of energy!

Seriously sit him down and tell him it's not on! Sounds to me like he doesn't GAF and if you suggest splitting he'd be relieved! The only benefit here for you is you arent carrying round a load of resentment which makes you feel like crap.

Can you go part time? I only work 18-25 hours per week and that gives me time to still do the majority of childcare, admin, housework etc. He does quite a lot but I do significantly more. That has preserved my career and is a good balance for us. Two full time working parents always leads to burn out I have found. Does he earn more/could he go part time?

@HeyHoh2026
whatever you do, do not give up your job. If you divorce - you could be left struggling.
young children are hard work but as people have said, as they get older it is a bit easier to navigate.
as a compromise why not drop to 30hrs from 37 and take a day off in the week to recharge your batteries - but keep the kids in school/nursery - don’t cancel that!!

Could you drop some hours temporarily

sat or sun morning could you get up and walk out to do something for you for a few hours - hec even if that’s get the weekly shop without the kids in tow that can help

Is this driven by funding a lifestyle that has become unaffordable? Can you change the lifestyle - downsize, move, give up the SUVs, roll back the all inclusives, etc? That way you could both tweak your employment schedules to be less intensive and have more time at home.

Who was most enthusiastic about completing the family with 3 kids? Is he more work focused now than before to finance the increased household? Or a convenient way to avoid the domestic grind of the home?

Sit, think, discuss. Simply throwing in the towel solves nothing and introduces a whole new set of challenges.

Well I'd say this firmly sounds like a husband issue and the very worst thing you could do is become a SAHM because then you're financially dependent on him. So absolutely do not leave your job. I love how he is exhausted. Working away getting a full night's sleep and chance to have a coffee/ breakfast in the morning before working sounds truly terrible. The lack of school runs/ nursery drop offs really must be taking its toll on him 😏

I am slightly baffled that he has "always prioritised work" and yet you chose to have 3 children with him.....
However, what's done is done, so if you are both earning well, why not have a nanny (at least part-time) to ease the burden?

Don't give up your job or go part time -why should you? It's hard enough for women in the workplace and trying to build and sustain a career, if you stop working its so hard to get back into work, never mind at the same level and job you were doing previously. And if you ever split in the future you'll be up shit creek without a paddle. He has to find a way to either reduce his hours so hes not completely absent when hes at home or he needs to step up and find the energy to be an active parent on the weekends etc. We have to do it ! I work around 45 hours a week in a stressful job but can't just neglect my duties in the evenings and weekends with the kids, I have to just suck it up and get on with it.

He needs to get his shit together. Lots of people work long hours. It doesn’t mean they get out of parenting.

When our dc were little, Dh was starting a business, working his normal FT job and the doing start up stuff evenings and weekends with a baby attached to him in a sling.

For 6 years, I had a long London commute, leaving at 6am and not home til 8pm. I got stuck in as soon as I got in and took over at the weekends to give Dh a break if it had been a particularly busy week for him.

The only reason one of us gets a rest is if we’re unwell. I have incurable cancer. I sometimes take a nap at the weekend because I get a lot of fatigue. If I can mostly crack on, while working a full week, your Dh surely can. He needs to stop being so lazy, get to bed, and probably not spend so much time out drinking with colleagues or whatever he’s doing during the week to come home so wrecked. 🙄

Gosh he is being so unreasonable. He’s not parenting at all in the week and surely can pull his weight on the weekend. Agree with PPs something else is going on, whether illness, depression etc.

I think life with or without a unhelpful partner is the same.