Sex in marriage

TheSmallAssassin · 25/10/2026 17:59

Does he know you aren't getting anything out of it? Please don't have sex when you don't want to! It's not fair for him to get moody or sulk, that's coercion! Surely he doesn't want to think of himself as a rapist?

HappyAsASandboy · 25/10/2026 18:01

I don’t have any tips for making yourself want mediocre sex, but did want to let you know that perimenopause may make you want more and more sex, not less. I became totally distracted and frustrated and thought about sex all the time for about 4 years. It’s calmed down a bit now, but I still have a higher sex drive than pre perimenopause.

Like you, I am underwhelmed by sex with my husband. A really really high sex drive combined with a husband that you don’t want to have sex with is really really hard to manage.

Not much help, but absolutely don’t assume you’ll lose your sex drive because it can stay the same or go the other way!

Moohiganny · 25/10/2026 18:02

Talk to him. You need to keep communication going.

How is your emotional connection and intimacy (NOT SEX - intimacy - cuddling, affection that doesn't lead to sex)? Does he make you feel special without it being a precursor to sex?

A sure fire way for womens sex drives to plummet is both hormones tanking and feeling utterly unconnected to their partners. Partners that show little love and affection until they're feeling horny.

I'm a strong believer in intimate connection (no I didn't mean sex) being really important in marriage and where both partners feel there is one, sex usually naturally follows.

If you keep forcing yourself to have unwanted sex with him, your desire will continue to decline, especially when perimenopause kicks in.

Discsareshit · 25/10/2026 18:03

"Does he know you aren't getting anything out of it?"

She didn't say that. She said it's nice, but not earth-moving.
She's doing better than a lot of people.

Didimum · 25/10/2026 18:10

Peri doesn’t necessarily make your sex drive plummet. I would speak to your husband about things you’d like to include in bed, because ‘nice’ and ‘rarely fulfilling’ is a downer.

Original poster

hanabanana9 · 25/10/2026 18:30

Thanks ladies. Really helpful so far. Good to know it’s not always a downturn in sex drive. You’re right @Moohigannyany intimacy is only related to when he’s feeling horny. How do I communicate this to him without him becoming defensive? Just to be clear @TheSmallAssassinI fully consent to sex, there is no rape occurring. When it’s a definite no, it’s a no, it’s just sometime easier to consent than deal with the sulking. I hope this makes sense to some.

OP posts:

something2say · 25/10/2026 18:33

Add a vibe so you get yours...
And enjoy what he brings to the table...
And yes definitely - the sex drive doesn't always disappear!
Best sex of one's life in one's fifties is a genuine thing...

TheSmallAssassin · 25/10/2026 18:43

hanabanana9 · 25/10/2026 18:30

Thanks ladies. Really helpful so far. Good to know it’s not always a downturn in sex drive. You’re right @Moohigannyany intimacy is only related to when he’s feeling horny. How do I communicate this to him without him becoming defensive? Just to be clear @TheSmallAssassinI fully consent to sex, there is no rape occurring. When it’s a definite no, it’s a no, it’s just sometime easier to consent than deal with the sulking. I hope this makes sense to some.

But making life so unpleasant that you would rather have sex when you don't want to is sexual coercion, it's definitely not enthusiastic consent.

When I went to my doctor about getting some testosterone to help my libido (it has helped me, but I wanted it for me, not because my husband was complaining), she mentioned "sexual accelerators and brakes", might be worth reading up on those?

Original poster

hanabanana9 · 25/10/2026 18:49

Just briefly looked @TheSmallAssassinand it looks really interesting. I will read up on it.

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Dery · 25/10/2026 19:30

As mentioned upthread, sex drive can go up in peri and definitely after menopause. I’m late 50s. My drive is definitely higher. I think it’s something about having no pregnancy risk and not needing to bother with contraception.

Original poster

hanabanana9 · 25/10/2026 19:51

Ah ok. I’m feeling quite buoyed that it’s not all doom and gloom as I head into that “time of life”. I’m going to read up on accelerators and brakes and I’m going to talk to my husband about needing more non-sex-related intimacy.

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SaltyCara · 25/10/2026 21:06

Allowing him to have sex with you to avoid him sulking if you don't is not consent. It is coersion. The problem here is not your libido.

Nosdacariad · 25/10/2026 21:22

hanabanana9 · 25/10/2026 17:56

I’m early 40s. My husband has just turned 50. We have sex around twice a week. The sex is rarely fulfilling for me. It’s nice but not earth moving. Sometimes I don’t want to have sex but will do it so that he doesn’t sulk and get moody. I’m starting to worry about peri/menopause when hormones make my sex drive zero. Any tips? I still fancy my husband, I just sometimes don’t feel like sex but feel like I have to to keep him happy.

There is no certainty that your sex drive will reduce to zero, everyone has their own experience of menopause 💐💐💐

Original poster

hanabanana9 · 26/10/2026 05:32

@SaltyCaraam I being stupid here? I don’t see a problem if I’m making that choice? It’s a bit like going to the gym, I don’t want to but I’ll be happier if I do?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 26/10/2026 05:37

The problem is that you feel you have to agree to something you don't want so he is nice to you - sexual coercion is rape - it's not at all the same as going to the gym

Original poster

hanabanana9 · 26/10/2026 05:55

Shoxfordian · 26/10/2026 05:37

The problem is that you feel you have to agree to something you don't want so he is nice to you - sexual coercion is rape - it's not at all the same as going to the gym

I am not downplaying rape. I am merely saying I am making a choice based on the outcome. My understanding of rape is that there is no choice and so therefore my situation should not be equated?

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SparkleHorse82 · 26/10/2026 06:02

My DH is mid fifties and I’m mid forties. Due to my having gynae issues we haven’t had sex for about three months. I just don’t want to as I’m in pain. I have to say, if it never happened again I would not be bothered.

Before this we were down to about once every 2 weeks. It wasn’t enough for him but it was enough for me. It’s alway fine once we get going but ultimately I feel like my body is different now and just doesn’t crave touch at all. I don’t know how to handle this really.

Original poster

hanabanana9 · 26/10/2026 06:25

SparkleHorse82 · 26/10/2026 06:02

My DH is mid fifties and I’m mid forties. Due to my having gynae issues we haven’t had sex for about three months. I just don’t want to as I’m in pain. I have to say, if it never happened again I would not be bothered.

Before this we were down to about once every 2 weeks. It wasn’t enough for him but it was enough for me. It’s alway fine once we get going but ultimately I feel like my body is different now and just doesn’t crave touch at all. I don’t know how to handle this really.

Edited

This is the thing. I’m sorry you’re going through health issues. As if getting to our age isn’t hard enough! Our questions are similar, how do we navigate drop/loss in sex drive but maintain a marriage? I dare say I’d be happy not to have sex again but I’m also feeling slightly hopeful that my sex drive will increase?!

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 26/10/2026 07:42

You're not making a real choice though based on genuine desire, it's just so he isn't moody with you so your choice is to have him be moody or agree to sex you don't want - and part of the reason he is moody is that he knows you'll then agree so the coercive cycle continues - you're living to appease him not for yourself

TheSmallAssassin · 26/10/2026 10:53

hanabanana9 · 25/10/2026 19:51

Ah ok. I’m feeling quite buoyed that it’s not all doom and gloom as I head into that “time of life”. I’m going to read up on accelerators and brakes and I’m going to talk to my husband about needing more non-sex-related intimacy.

Please also talk to him about his sulking and moodiness if you say no. Does he realise this is making you say yes when you really want to say no? If he does, then he honestly is not a good man.

anotheruser345 · 26/10/2026 11:01

Peri definitely doesnt mean reduced sex drive, for me its been the opposite. But if I felt like I was having to have sex to stop a man being grumpy, I cannot think of a bigger turn off and THAT would plummet my sex drive faster than anything.

That to me is a much bigger issue and something that would need addressing. I could not tolerate a sulky sex pest, that would be grim and completely off putting, no wonder you would be happy not to bother.

Female123456 · 26/10/2026 11:19

hanabanana9 · 25/10/2026 17:56

I’m early 40s. My husband has just turned 50. We have sex around twice a week. The sex is rarely fulfilling for me. It’s nice but not earth moving. Sometimes I don’t want to have sex but will do it so that he doesn’t sulk and get moody. I’m starting to worry about peri/menopause when hormones make my sex drive zero. Any tips? I still fancy my husband, I just sometimes don’t feel like sex but feel like I have to to keep him happy.

"feel like I have to to keep him happy."

is he interested in keeping you happy?

so you are doing something you don't want to do.

do you think he will leave if you don't?

does he get sulky and moody? I would tell him the position this puts you in and loud and clear that you don't want to have sex with him and you are not going to anymore
and you only do it because you are worried about his reaction.

Does he really want someone he is supposed to love and care about and
in a marriage with to be doing something the person doesn't want to do.

would he do something he didn't want to do?
force himself to do that?

see if he responds selfishly and you have your answer.
do you think he cares about the position this puts you in?
i couldn't be in a marriage like this.

Female123456 · 26/10/2026 11:21

why do you have to do what he wants?

Female123456 · 26/10/2026 11:34

hanabanana9 · 25/10/2026 18:30

Thanks ladies. Really helpful so far. Good to know it’s not always a downturn in sex drive. You’re right @Moohigannyany intimacy is only related to when he’s feeling horny. How do I communicate this to him without him becoming defensive? Just to be clear @TheSmallAssassinI fully consent to sex, there is no rape occurring. When it’s a definite no, it’s a no, it’s just sometime easier to consent than deal with the sulking. I hope this makes sense to some.

yes but you know you would not give the sex freely
if it was not for his reaction.

This is compliance out of fear
coerced compliance that has come from him reacting badly to you.
you are being coerced
this is a problem
how you got into this pattern which now has kept you stuck there.
If you want to stay with him you must change the pattern.
Stop having sex with him when you don't want to
Do not do it anymore. Do not give him any sex.
if he reacts badly that is on him to deal with
do not entertain his moody or sulking
that is it.
i cant believe a grown man behaves like that to be honest.

You will not do it anymore when you don't want to.

He is not giving intimacy to you at any other time, shows him as a selfish person who only cares about his needs.
would you say that is accurate OP?

parietal · 26/10/2026 11:40

i think a lot of people here are jumping to an assumption of coercion, when really there isn't anything in what the OP has said to suggest that.

sexual desire in women can often be reactive, so once you get started, then the desire builds. And if the sex is OK but not great, that is worth doing to keep a marriage strong and keep the relationship going.

OP - I'm a similar age and find my desire comes and goes in slow cycles (3 months of high desire, 3 months of very little). which seems a bit random

it may help to think about what you enjoy and if you can ask your DH for more of that.

I've also take up the guilty pleasure of romantasy books! To remember what it is like to desire and be desired.