Page 2 | Sex in marriage

hanabanana9 · 2026-10-25T17:56:34+00:00

I’m early 40s. My husband has just turned 50. We have sex around twice a week. The sex is rarely fulfilling for me. It’s nice but not earth moving. Sometimes I don’t want to have sex but will do it so that he doesn’t sulk and get moody. I’m starting to worry about peri/menopause when hormones make my sex drive zero. Any tips? I still fancy my husband, I just sometimes don’t feel like sex but feel like I have to to keep him happy.

Female123456 · 26/10/2026 11:41

hanabanana9 · 25/10/2026 19:51

Ah ok. I’m feeling quite buoyed that it’s not all doom and gloom as I head into that “time of life”. I’m going to read up on accelerators and brakes and I’m going to talk to my husband about needing more non-sex-related intimacy.

HE needs to care enough to do this
and not put himself, his own needs, first

Female123456 · 26/10/2026 11:48

parietal · 26/10/2026 11:40

i think a lot of people here are jumping to an assumption of coercion, when really there isn't anything in what the OP has said to suggest that.

sexual desire in women can often be reactive, so once you get started, then the desire builds. And if the sex is OK but not great, that is worth doing to keep a marriage strong and keep the relationship going.

OP - I'm a similar age and find my desire comes and goes in slow cycles (3 months of high desire, 3 months of very little). which seems a bit random

it may help to think about what you enjoy and if you can ask your DH for more of that.

I've also take up the guilty pleasure of romantasy books! To remember what it is like to desire and be desired.

"i think a lot of people here are jumping to an assumption of coercion, when really there isn't anything in what the OP has said to suggest that."

Of course there is! and THAT is the main problem here.
Don't be blind to it because she needs to realise that to move forward

TheSmallAssassin · 26/10/2026 12:21

parietal · 26/10/2026 11:40

i think a lot of people here are jumping to an assumption of coercion, when really there isn't anything in what the OP has said to suggest that.

sexual desire in women can often be reactive, so once you get started, then the desire builds. And if the sex is OK but not great, that is worth doing to keep a marriage strong and keep the relationship going.

OP - I'm a similar age and find my desire comes and goes in slow cycles (3 months of high desire, 3 months of very little). which seems a bit random

it may help to think about what you enjoy and if you can ask your DH for more of that.

I've also take up the guilty pleasure of romantasy books! To remember what it is like to desire and be desired.

It isn't an assumption! From Hana's first post:

"Sometimes I don’t want to have sex but will do it so that he doesn’t sulk and get moody."

Not "Sometimes I'm not in the mood, but I say yes because I know once we get started I will get into it"

This is coercion.

Original poster

hanabanana9 · 26/10/2026 16:17

parietal · 26/10/2026 11:40

i think a lot of people here are jumping to an assumption of coercion, when really there isn't anything in what the OP has said to suggest that.

sexual desire in women can often be reactive, so once you get started, then the desire builds. And if the sex is OK but not great, that is worth doing to keep a marriage strong and keep the relationship going.

OP - I'm a similar age and find my desire comes and goes in slow cycles (3 months of high desire, 3 months of very little). which seems a bit random

it may help to think about what you enjoy and if you can ask your DH for more of that.

I've also take up the guilty pleasure of romantasy books! To remember what it is like to desire and be desired.

Thank you for understanding what I’m saying and giving me advice. I understand that others are trying to be supportive by telling me not to be “coerced” but I’m a fully grown functioning woman with my own mind. My husband would be devastated if he knew I didn’t really want to but it’s true, once we get going it’s ok. I promise that when I really don’t want to, “No” is a full sentence.

OP posts:

Boomer55 · 26/10/2026 16:21

hanabanana9 · 26/10/2026 16:17

Thank you for understanding what I’m saying and giving me advice. I understand that others are trying to be supportive by telling me not to be “coerced” but I’m a fully grown functioning woman with my own mind. My husband would be devastated if he knew I didn’t really want to but it’s true, once we get going it’s ok. I promise that when I really don’t want to, “No” is a full sentence.

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Perhaps try to introduce more different stuff that you might enjoy? Peri and menopause doesn’t mean loss of sex drive always, and if it does, HRT sorts thst.

Might just be a bit of variety is needed. 👍

TheSmallAssassin · 27/10/2026 08:19

hanabanana9 · 26/10/2026 16:17

Thank you for understanding what I’m saying and giving me advice. I understand that others are trying to be supportive by telling me not to be “coerced” but I’m a fully grown functioning woman with my own mind. My husband would be devastated if he knew I didn’t really want to but it’s true, once we get going it’s ok. I promise that when I really don’t want to, “No” is a full sentence.

Show quote history

If he would be devastated then please, as I've said before, do talk to him about the moodiness and sulking, it really is not an acceptable way to behave to someone you love, and will be one of those psychological "brakes" for your desire.

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 27/10/2026 08:40

hmmmm. I think the problem here is that you’re accepting ‘doing the deed’ to keep him from sulking. Yes you’re making the decision, and sometimes we do decide to start despite not feeling especially horny, knowing that we will enjoy it once we get going. But not enjoying it AND trying to keep him sweet points to it not being acceptable. Also his reluctance to understand your needs and wants.

my oh never sulks about me not being up for sex, is always happy to listen to what I want and we discuss it and work on it as a team, coz there are two people involved. Oh and we’ve found that the addition of toys is great fun 😎