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Original poster

How long have you gone without sex and it been ok?

60 replies

Griffinsgetsoup · 23/10/2026 08:52

We've had loads of issues over the last few years, major health problems, kids, long-term breastfeeding and we haven't had sex in over a year, maybe close to two. Is it salvageable?
We've not been getting on and we're seeing a counsellor. The health problems have been awful and I know that I need to feel safe and happy to want sex. My body doesn't feel the same after two kids, pelvic floor is not what it used to be!
He has been trying to say let's have cuddles more etc. he is supportive but not really in an emotional way, just practical. He doesn't like talking about emotions much.
I don't really have much of a sex drive right now but still have solo orgasms from time to time.
I don't want to split up but I feel better when I'm on my own with the kids.
Has anyone had this long break and been able to reconnect?

Just adding I also think I am in perimenopause at 40 and hormones feel wild...

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 23/10/2026 09:12

Yes. My husband and I did.

We have never had the most active sex life but it was normal before my first child. After him we had a while for obvious reasons but it never really recovered and we had sex extremely sporadically for a year or so then nothing for two. We managed a brief reunion and I got pregnant with our second. He’s now 8. We probably managed to have sex 3 times in the 7 years after he was born.

There are a variety of issues at play - I’m fat and felt really ugly, he put on weight and felt similarly. He had severe performance anxiety and lost his erection whenever we tried so we stopped trying, we had a family catastrophe (wider family) which absolutely killed my drive, and both of our boys are disabled. I was absolutely terrified of getting pregnant again as I have difficult pregnancies.

As you can see there was a lot to unpack.

We had a proper talk at the start of the year and said how much we loved each other and wanted to sort it out. We took a lot of time reconnecting and are now having sex again. It was a bit strange but nice and I’m glad we put in the effort.

Underscoring all of this though was a very solid relationship with a lot of love and affection. I’m happy to answer any questions as it’s a very hard thing to talk about I know.

DazedandconfusedParent · 23/10/2026 09:35

My Ex wife and I stopped having sex after our last child was born, and nothing could bring her drive back. It was a gradual, slow decline from once a week, to once a year and then eventually nothing, and for a man that is how we feel connected and it’s very important. It’s one of the many reasons we eventually divorced, I think it’s hard to stay connected without sex.

secretrocker · 23/10/2026 09:43

Probably 3 months and it was ok for me but not ok for DH.
My desire came back after kids but nosedived at around 40 and never came back.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXXYZ · 23/10/2026 09:45

10 years for me though I’m single so probably not what you’re asking (just no guarantees you will have more if you split)

User3353821614 · 23/10/2026 10:48

DazedandconfusedParent · 23/10/2026 09:35

My Ex wife and I stopped having sex after our last child was born, and nothing could bring her drive back. It was a gradual, slow decline from once a week, to once a year and then eventually nothing, and for a man that is how we feel connected and it’s very important. It’s one of the many reasons we eventually divorced, I think it’s hard to stay connected without sex.

This is true and I’m speaking as a woman. My DH has a lower sex drive and we’ve definitely drifted because of this.

Sex is important (in my opinion).

Ifailed · 23/10/2026 10:53

15 years, DP died a couple of years later. I've been single since and have no desire to have a relationship like that again, sexual or not.

Thatsthebottomline · 23/10/2026 10:54

Twenty years on my own next month and twenty years without sex. Have never been interested in one night stuff, which just encapsulates my all round failure of being male.

Has it been OK ? Well it's had to have been i suppose.

JT1999 · 23/10/2026 11:01

I've had a much lower sex drive from about month 8 of the pregnancy (just due to uncomfortableness I think) until recently, I'm still breastfeeding a 5.5 month old. We didn't have full sex for probably 4 months and even then, not very much to begin with. I wanted to want it but I didn't actually want it, if you get me. Now I am getting that desire again more strongly. I had a very high sex drive before having kids, it isn't quite that now but it feels like it is moving in the right direction.

Showert · 23/10/2026 11:16

I am currently 15 months in. Longest I think but these spells are not uncommon. I think it will go on much longer this time. Could be it forever. I’m 50’s. Husband almost 60.

leas than 5 times in last 7 years now I think.

Original poster
Griffinsgetsoup · 23/10/2026 11:41

Merryoldgoat · 23/10/2026 09:12

Yes. My husband and I did.

We have never had the most active sex life but it was normal before my first child. After him we had a while for obvious reasons but it never really recovered and we had sex extremely sporadically for a year or so then nothing for two. We managed a brief reunion and I got pregnant with our second. He’s now 8. We probably managed to have sex 3 times in the 7 years after he was born.

There are a variety of issues at play - I’m fat and felt really ugly, he put on weight and felt similarly. He had severe performance anxiety and lost his erection whenever we tried so we stopped trying, we had a family catastrophe (wider family) which absolutely killed my drive, and both of our boys are disabled. I was absolutely terrified of getting pregnant again as I have difficult pregnancies.

As you can see there was a lot to unpack.

We had a proper talk at the start of the year and said how much we loved each other and wanted to sort it out. We took a lot of time reconnecting and are now having sex again. It was a bit strange but nice and I’m glad we put in the effort.

Underscoring all of this though was a very solid relationship with a lot of love and affection. I’m happy to answer any questions as it’s a very hard thing to talk about I know.

Thanks for your reply and sorry that you've had some hard times. I do wonder how I'd be feeling if all these life events hadn't happened! I am glad you have always had love and care from your husband. To be honest I don't feel I'm in the same position that way, like I said he's supportive but I don't feel his love in the emotional sense, he doesn't understand my need for talking about feelings. We argue a lot and find each other hard work.
Can I ask how you manage to get back on track?

OP posts:
Original poster
Griffinsgetsoup · 23/10/2026 11:43

DazedandconfusedParent · 23/10/2026 09:35

My Ex wife and I stopped having sex after our last child was born, and nothing could bring her drive back. It was a gradual, slow decline from once a week, to once a year and then eventually nothing, and for a man that is how we feel connected and it’s very important. It’s one of the many reasons we eventually divorced, I think it’s hard to stay connected without sex.

Sorry to hear that.
Have you found a new partner? Did you have problems with your relationship apart from her low libido?

OP posts:
Original poster
Griffinsgetsoup · 23/10/2026 11:43

secretrocker · 23/10/2026 09:43

Probably 3 months and it was ok for me but not ok for DH.
My desire came back after kids but nosedived at around 40 and never came back.

How old are you now? I'm worried mine won't come back either.... Did you ever try HRT?

OP posts:
Original poster
Griffinsgetsoup · 23/10/2026 11:46

Thatsthebottomline · 23/10/2026 10:54

Twenty years on my own next month and twenty years without sex. Have never been interested in one night stuff, which just encapsulates my all round failure of being male.

Has it been OK ? Well it's had to have been i suppose.

Kind of refreshing. Can I ask you what draws you to Mumsnet?

OP posts:
Original poster
Griffinsgetsoup · 23/10/2026 11:47

Ifailed · 23/10/2026 10:53

15 years, DP died a couple of years later. I've been single since and have no desire to have a relationship like that again, sexual or not.

Sorry to hear that. I hope you're happy In your celibacy

OP posts:
chatelai · 23/10/2026 11:48

One relationship 6 months, which split us up. Another it got to once a month as a 'biological itch'. My most recent he was a bit older and decided he didn't want it any more... we lasted 18 months after that with lots of affection and cuddling, but I wanted the intimacy of sex. I'm now with a younger man who has a high sex drive, and mine has woken up again! (I'm late 50s, post-menopause).

Original poster
Griffinsgetsoup · 23/10/2026 11:48

JT1999 · 23/10/2026 11:01

I've had a much lower sex drive from about month 8 of the pregnancy (just due to uncomfortableness I think) until recently, I'm still breastfeeding a 5.5 month old. We didn't have full sex for probably 4 months and even then, not very much to begin with. I wanted to want it but I didn't actually want it, if you get me. Now I am getting that desire again more strongly. I had a very high sex drive before having kids, it isn't quite that now but it feels like it is moving in the right direction.

Well done for your long run of bfing. When I was breastfeeding I know it affected my libido a lot, nature's way! I hope yours comes back. I think mine did but then it was either trauma or perimenopause which made it go again

OP posts:
Original poster
Griffinsgetsoup · 23/10/2026 11:50

chatelai · 23/10/2026 11:48

One relationship 6 months, which split us up. Another it got to once a month as a 'biological itch'. My most recent he was a bit older and decided he didn't want it any more... we lasted 18 months after that with lots of affection and cuddling, but I wanted the intimacy of sex. I'm now with a younger man who has a high sex drive, and mine has woken up again! (I'm late 50s, post-menopause).

Wow. So did your libido disappear to only come back strongly again? There is hope. Do you take hrt?

OP posts:
chatelai · 23/10/2026 12:03

Heyyy, I've never had a chat on MN before!
My libido went to sleep, I think. Before I met my current partner I'd have a nice solo Saturday night session, but that was after many months of nothing. Being with a man who is into me and who takes his time to see that I'm happy means that we are both having more fun now than we've ever had before! When we first slept together it'd been 18 months for me, 4 years for him.
No HRT but I do use an oestrogen cream vaginally, which has been a game changer.

Cattenberg · 23/10/2026 12:17

I’m single and I reckon it’s been 13 or 14 years. I rarely miss it and when I do, I never miss it enough to do anything about it.

A few years ago, I met a single dad and it did seem as though he might be interested in more than friendship. I considered it, but then I found out something that put me off him and backed off. Nothing had happened between us other than walking and chatting together whenever our paths crossed. And that is the closest I’ve come to dating in the past decade!

Sodthesystem · 23/10/2026 12:17

Gonna be honest, if sex meant a baby ripping its way out of my hooha, I’d never go near a penis again. Not unless he had the snip.

But maybe that’s not a worry for you. Though it should be if the first two pregnancy have badly hurt you.

I hope you feel better soon but realistically I think it sounds like you’d feel better if you didn’t feel pressurised into having sex that you don’t want.

sillysusan · 23/10/2026 12:24

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Boreded · 23/10/2026 12:26

DazedandconfusedParent · 23/10/2026 09:35

My Ex wife and I stopped having sex after our last child was born, and nothing could bring her drive back. It was a gradual, slow decline from once a week, to once a year and then eventually nothing, and for a man that is how we feel connected and it’s very important. It’s one of the many reasons we eventually divorced, I think it’s hard to stay connected without sex.

’As a man that’s how we feel connected’ - normally I don’t go in on all the man bashing, but this comment is just bizarre, you can’t speak for all men any more than I can speak for all women. What is important to one is not important to all.

This isn’t about getting a male opinion on whether sex is needed, you could have added something around what would help you to feel like you were reconnecting and offered some insight that way. Then the OP could consider that approach and see a little closer from his perspective what it could be like, rather than just being told (it being implied) that because your wife didn’t have sex with you it ended, and that is what will happen to her marriage.

@Griffinsgetsoup if sex is important to your husband, you should try to have sex…HOWEVER, I say that with the MASSIVE CAVEAT that you should first be completely honest and open with him about how you have been feeling and why, being very clear with where your boundaries are, what you also need to feel secure and to be in the mood for sex etc. I would recommend counselling (individual and couples) to make sure that you have tried everything to get yourself in the right emotional space to try engaging in a sexual relationship again, much like @Merryoldgoat you may find that the effort is worth it, and if not then you don’t have to have sex, but at least you tried.

Boreded · 23/10/2026 12:28

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Original poster
Griffinsgetsoup · 23/10/2026 12:41

Boreded · 23/10/2026 12:28

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OP posts:
DreadNowt · 23/10/2026 12:42

12 years and counting. I never really enjoyed sex, I just did it to maintain my relationship. Over time I avoided it whenever I could, and eventually we split up. I don't miss it, in fact in the early years of being single I loved not having that expectation looming over me. I expect to be single forever now, I'd like the companionship and love but not at that price.