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Original poster

How long have you gone without sex and it been ok?

60 replies

Griffinsgetsoup · 23/10/2026 08:52

We've had loads of issues over the last few years, major health problems, kids, long-term breastfeeding and we haven't had sex in over a year, maybe close to two. Is it salvageable?
We've not been getting on and we're seeing a counsellor. The health problems have been awful and I know that I need to feel safe and happy to want sex. My body doesn't feel the same after two kids, pelvic floor is not what it used to be!
He has been trying to say let's have cuddles more etc. he is supportive but not really in an emotional way, just practical. He doesn't like talking about emotions much.
I don't really have much of a sex drive right now but still have solo orgasms from time to time.
I don't want to split up but I feel better when I'm on my own with the kids.
Has anyone had this long break and been able to reconnect?

Just adding I also think I am in perimenopause at 40 and hormones feel wild...

OP posts:
WishfulThinkingToday · 23/10/2026 16:00

I have always found that when I am pregnant I don’t have a big sex drive - too sick and tired in the first trimester, and then too big and clumsy after that. I do find that going solo is never a problem though, and it is more the bumping and grinding that happens in normal sex that puts me off.

Then after having a child, and the hormones involved in breastfeeding means I still don't have any sex drive for the whole time I am feeding (usually a year). When I stop feeding, it is like the flood gates open and I feel completely different and receptive.

…. So for me, it can be up to 2 years (pregnancy and bf time) before I want to do anything. Probably not great for my marriage tell you the truth.

DazedandconfusedParent · 23/10/2026 18:05

Griffinsgetsoup · 23/10/2026 11:43

Sorry to hear that.
Have you found a new partner? Did you have problems with your relationship apart from her low libido?

Show quote history

Yes, plenty of other issues and we grew apart over the 15 years we had. 10 where good but then we both changed and made our mistakes.

Currently single and had one very special relationship after divorce that ended in early July.

DazedandconfusedParent · 23/10/2026 18:10

Boreded · 23/10/2026 12:26

’As a man that’s how we feel connected’ - normally I don’t go in on all the man bashing, but this comment is just bizarre, you can’t speak for all men any more than I can speak for all women. What is important to one is not important to all.

This isn’t about getting a male opinion on whether sex is needed, you could have added something around what would help you to feel like you were reconnecting and offered some insight that way. Then the OP could consider that approach and see a little closer from his perspective what it could be like, rather than just being told (it being implied) that because your wife didn’t have sex with you it ended, and that is what will happen to her marriage.

@Griffinsgetsoup if sex is important to your husband, you should try to have sex…HOWEVER, I say that with the MASSIVE CAVEAT that you should first be completely honest and open with him about how you have been feeling and why, being very clear with where your boundaries are, what you also need to feel secure and to be in the mood for sex etc. I would recommend counselling (individual and couples) to make sure that you have tried everything to get yourself in the right emotional space to try engaging in a sexual relationship again, much like @Merryoldgoat you may find that the effort is worth it, and if not then you don’t have to have sex, but at least you tried.

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Ok you’ve gone ahead and jumped to something I didn’t say there - I didn’t say it would cause the OPs marriage to end. You have a point about speaking for all men, and yes the dead bedroom was a big reason (not the only one) for my marriage ending. There are LOADS of healthy guys out there that would tell you the reality and I think sex is quite important in general for men.

There are whole support communities for men that have the dead bedroom problem out there - google it, you won’t find I’m talking nonsense here.

DazedandconfusedParent · 23/10/2026 18:14

Sodthesystem · 23/10/2026 13:20

I’m going to disagree big time. The only reason to have sex is because you want to have sex. No one is owed your body. It doesn’t matter how “important” it is to them.

If the choice is between having unwanted sex or leaving him, she should leave him.

Women have been conditioned into this vile notion that sex is just another chore that we owe men. It is not. And a man having sex with you when he knows you don’t want it, is actually a rapist.

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I actually agree with this - and my point is, it absolutely is important to most men i think, whether or not they are attuned or intelligent enough for thier partner to feel safe and attracted are another thing.

JT1999 · 23/10/2026 18:23

Griffinsgetsoup · 23/10/2026 11:48

Well done for your long run of bfing. When I was breastfeeding I know it affected my libido a lot, nature's way! I hope yours comes back. I think mine did but then it was either trauma or perimenopause which made it go again

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Thanks, it was hard to begin with but OK once into a routine. Its definitely on its way back now, the biological side I mean. In my head I always wanted sex, I enjoy the closeness and the fun side of it too. But my body was definitely not there for quite a while. I guess it is nature's way, stops us getting pregnant again too soon. I'd like another but not yet.

LochSunart · 23/10/2026 18:34

@Thatsthebottomline "...which just encapsulates my all round failure of being male." Another male here. Shit - it's painful to hear you say that about yourself. But I understand it.

JoyousWriter · 23/10/2026 18:37

A month. I knew then I would leave him, so it didn't seem right. At the end of the month, I left him.

Apart from that, never a gap longer than a week (when in a relationship!)

Boreded · 23/10/2026 19:01

DazedandconfusedParent · 23/10/2026 18:10

Ok you’ve gone ahead and jumped to something I didn’t say there - I didn’t say it would cause the OPs marriage to end. You have a point about speaking for all men, and yes the dead bedroom was a big reason (not the only one) for my marriage ending. There are LOADS of healthy guys out there that would tell you the reality and I think sex is quite important in general for men.

There are whole support communities for men that have the dead bedroom problem out there - google it, you won’t find I’m talking nonsense here.

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I’m not saying that there isn’t, but the OP knows there is an issue in the bedroom. I actually am the one who reported and had a post deleted that was basically telling you that you weren’t welcome.

I’m merely saying that you could have offered some great insight into how to broach the problem, rather than saying yeah it is a problem. OP knows that, it’s why she is here.

Ive probably exaggerated a bit in the first post, but can you see what I’m trying to say though.

Thatsthebottomline · 23/10/2026 20:02

Griffinsgetsoup · 23/10/2026 11:46

Kind of refreshing. Can I ask you what draws you to Mumsnet?

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Ive looked after children for a living for a long time and specialise in SEN. I tend to offer advice on development, especially in boys as males in my job are pretty rare. Romantically, it makes me as popular as a horny dog in a Miss Lovely Legs competition.

BurntBroccoli · 23/10/2026 20:29

About 14 years I think. Don’t miss it to be honest - I am single though!

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