How to deal with toxic SIL at family wedding

[Asvan]

Hi all,

I need some advice please.

I'm going to a family wedding next month and I'll be bumping into my BIL and SIL (my husband's brother and wife). A few years ago they fell out with us over something quite minor.

My SIL can be quite toxic - she doesn't accept apologies and cuts people out of her life at the first chance she gets. My BIL just goes along with it, and over the last few years they've gone no-contact with most of my husband's family.

Since the fallout I've seen my SIL around a few times and I just get very negative energy from her. When I've tried to greet her she's either ignored me or smirked at me. I've also heard from other people that she's made up lies and gossip about me and painted herself as the innocent party.

Whenever I do see her it really triggers me and I'm now feeling anxious about going to the wedding. I'm not very good at confrontation or arguments and have always been a bit of a pushover, whereas she's very strong-willed. Whenever I see her I get really nervous and can't relax.

I still talk to all of my husband's family so I will have other people there that I get on with, but I don't know how to handle her. I hate how I react and I don't know what to do. I dont even know if I should greet her.

Has anyone been through something similar? How would you deal with it?

Thanks

Just rise above it and avoid, no need for confrontation, be polite and walk off.

Second pp.
Say hello then avoid.
Sending you strength OP as I’ve been through a very similar situation.

Ultra polite and talk about non controversial things eg the weather

Is it just me that reads a post using the terms ‘toxic’ and ‘triggers’ and wonders what the other side to this story is … ? 🤔

We have a very toxic character in our family. We’ve tried numerous things, but the most successful was killing her with kindness! It totally unbalanced her and she didn’t know how to react!

Thanks all, just thinking about seeing her is making me feel physically ill. Since she stopped talking to me shes said and done some really unpleasant things and ive just kept quiet. I really dont even want to be pleasant to her and tbh would rather just ignore her.

No need for confrontation, smile and nod and then move on to to the other guests that you get on with. If she is as bad as you describe there will be others there that she's upset so don't assume she's going to target you.

There you have your own answer. Rise above it. Everyone will know what she says is a load of rubbish, nobody will take a blind bit of notice of anything she says.
Remember you have some good relationships here so enjoy being with people you like.
I get your anxiety - try to channel your energy into the ‘good’ parts of the occasion. Personally I’d be making sure I looked as fabulous as possible.

With people like this i say im just poppjng to the loo.

Just ignore her then.

You have other people to talk to so just talk to them.

I'm sure your SIL isn't feeling anxious so don't give her the satisfaction of her thinking you are still bothered.

Do the others know about the nasty things she's done? I wouldn't be keeping any of her secrets.

What I would try to do is not give her a second thought at the wedding. Don't talk about her there - it'll spoil your day and someone might dob you in. Just nod, say hello (no smile) and ignore them. Make sure you're always with someone who has your back. She has more reason to feel uncomfortable, given she's pissed off so many people!

Have a couple of very short, bland things you can say about the wedding ready in case you're forced to talk. Crucially make sure they don't require an answer, so she can't snub you, but will look a bit rude towards the couple marrying if she doesn't reply. Keep a polite smile on your face if you catch eyes without particularly changing your expression. Absolutely don't overdo it: don't feel obliged to talk to her and definitely don't babble because you're uncomfortable. Was in the same situation recently and all of this worked for me.

Its a wedding, so you must be pleasant to her to avoid any atmosphere. Bare minimum will do ie polite hello if you cross paths.

If it were me I would enjoy showing she has no impact on my life and I am completely unbothered (even if its a lie!)

You aren’t NC with the rest of the family, so just chat to everyone and have a lovely time and completely blank her. It’s awkward for her, not you.

We are NC with one of dh’s family members. I literally pretend he isn’t there if we had to bump into him at a family event. I don’t speak to him. Don’t respond if spoken to. I don’t even look at him. He’s dead to me and I treat him that way.

Treat her the same way you would a stranger. Speak politely, lightly smile and don't get drawn in to anything deeper than "how are you? Great." Then move away asap.

This. Also my style - show people how life can be. Be the bigger person. Relax, dance actually have a good time and be clear the choice they’ve made.

I absolutely despise the NC culture we find ourselves in. People think they’re cutting toxic people out of their lives (which of course is true a lot of the time) but I also see a lot of it is because people don’t know how to communicate, don’t have conflict resolution skills, don’t realise or care how short life is (this excludes genuine abusive people of course) but how dare some Dorris come between two brothers - the heart break of not just finding a way to be loving.

When you see her upon arrival say hello in a bright and breezy fashion, with a big fake smile plastered on your face, then walk off without waiting for a response. Don't offer any more of yourself just to have it thrown back in your face.

Every time you find yourself in close proximity to her, behave exactly as you would with a stranger who you had no interest in striking up a conversation with, but didn't want to appear rude and aloof with either. Just smile, pass the odd vaguely friendly comment where absolutely necessary, then move out of her orbit. Rinse and repeat all day long.

Trying to be nice and conciliatory will just give her the chance to knock you back and make you feel crap. Don't do it.

Playing her at her own game by being huffy and hostile will just let her know she's really got to you and it will ruin your day. Don't do that either. Treat her like she's literally nobody, but of course you wouldn't stoop so low as to be deliberately rude to a nobody. So bright and breezy but totally uninterested and unbothered by her presence is the best policy.

I would just avoid her. Blank her, pretend she is not there. Life is too short for this stuff.

You say she’s fallen out with plenty of family members. I would stay close to whoever she is least likely to approach!

Failing that, you just ignore her.

You have to grey rock her

Be like the queen - smile and wave, smile and wave.

My best tip is this - use your eyes and the flow of your energy to keep yourself safe.

What I mean is - if you are standing in a group, say arriving and greeting people, say your hellos to everyone and then look at someone safe, or look at other people arriving. Do not look directly at her beyond the 'hello.' Turn your body towards other people and put space between you asap.

Do not look to see what she is doing.
If you see her in her group, do not make eye contact.
Sit in your group and smile at the people you are with, turn your back on where she is, and really focus on the other people.
If you pass her in the hallway, be neutral and glide past.
Block your eyes from meetings her and block your body from facing her.

Do whatever you can to direct your attention and energy to anyone but her.
I have happily watched people to avoid one person.

And think about the fact that one day, you are going to be so far in her past and no longer relevant to the trouble she is causing. You are 100% not involved and that starts now.

Try not to over think it either. This is an excellent skill to keep yourself safe with, I use it whenever I need to.

I feel your pain. My BIL (partner’s brother) and his wife make me feel similar.

They fell out with everyone a few years ago and act like they’re the big I AM.

their kids are missing out on our large friendly family.

I get really anxious seeing them.

Your SIL's hobby and entertainment in life is falling out with people.
Be thankful that she's decided not to talk to you. That's actually great news

"When I've tried to greet her she's either ignored me or smirked at me. I've also heard from other people that she's made up lies and gossip about me and painted herself as the innocent party."

She is loving this. Don't try to greet her. She's dying for a reaction because she can see that when you greet her and she ignores you, its hurtful. That's what she wants a reaction. And she does it to you because she can. SMIRK RIGHT BACK AND WALK OFF.

Take a deep breath. Go to the wedding be a cheerful as possible and act as though she is invisible and inaudible. If you are forced into a conversation, don't chase her for a response, smile as if alls well with the world as if you are completely unaware of her nonsense. and move on to another conversation asap. Remember that you don't have to stand there and take it. You have a heel.. you can turn on it and walk off and greet someone else warmly. "Excuse me" is all you need to say too.

If she does this to everyone, they will all know what she's like and if someone tells you she tells lies about you contradict them.

Don't let anticipation of seeing her and what she might do spoil things for you. You have your DH there for moral support. You'll be OK. Its the anticipation that is the worst part, but just remind yourself that you should pity her she doesn't understand how awful she's being, and decide that her nonsense can't hurt you anymore.

We had this situation recently although we didn’t know why we had been shunned.
I went along to support Dh even though I was dreading it.

It wasn’t as bad in real life. We said hello and then spent the day with other people so didn’t end up being in their company much at all.