How to deal with toxic SIL at family wedding

[Asvan]

Hi all,

I need some advice please.

I'm going to a family wedding next month and I'll be bumping into my BIL and SIL (my husband's brother and wife). A few years ago they fell out with us over something quite minor.

My SIL can be quite toxic - she doesn't accept apologies and cuts people out of her life at the first chance she gets. My BIL just goes along with it, and over the last few years they've gone no-contact with most of my husband's family.

Since the fallout I've seen my SIL around a few times and I just get very negative energy from her. When I've tried to greet her she's either ignored me or smirked at me. I've also heard from other people that she's made up lies and gossip about me and painted herself as the innocent party.

Whenever I do see her it really triggers me and I'm now feeling anxious about going to the wedding. I'm not very good at confrontation or arguments and have always been a bit of a pushover, whereas she's very strong-willed. Whenever I see her I get really nervous and can't relax.

I still talk to all of my husband's family so I will have other people there that I get on with, but I don't know how to handle her. I hate how I react and I don't know what to do. I dont even know if I should greet her.

Has anyone been through something similar? How would you deal with it?

Thanks

Why hasn’t your dh done anything about this? It’s from his side of the family so he should be dealing with it. Can’t imagine why he hasn’t, given she’s been saying nasty things about his wife!

Why even acknowledge you have seen her?

You need to pull yourself together. Go and ignore her. Although at least saying hello would be classier. She has said things that aren't true - you know she is lying. You can do this.

Unfortunately DH has not been able to do anything about it as bil is supporting his wife and has fallen out with most of the family too. He has blocked everyone so there is no way to contact him. We feel he may be in an abusive relationship because bil was very close to DH and all their siblings before but since he has met sil shes slowly turned him against everyone. Including his friends. However, thats another story in itself.

All that says to me is that the whole family know what they are like. Its not a YOU problem. Its a THEM problem.
In our case, the rest of the family were all too scared that the relative would start picking on them, so they never spoke up and looked the other way at the awful behaviour.
I hope DH's family behave better.
A pp said smile and wave like the Queen (or as I prefer The Penguins of Madagascar) and I think that's the right approach. It's petty nonsense and beneath your notice.

@Asvan they can't get your goat if they don't know where you tie it up.

You hold your head up high and do not react. Act like you don’t even know she is there. I promise you, it’ll irk her and you’ll have a pleasant evening not having to worry about her

Then do so. Don't start trouble, but you owe her nothing. Concentrate on the people who spark joy for you.

Hold your head high, treat BIL and SIL with silent distain. Act regally, do not explain and do not complain (as per old Queen). If they are near just nod in their direction and move on. There is no need for words. They are "Persona Non Grata" in you and DH's eyes.

You and your DH are way above them. Never stoop to their level ever.

Grey rock.

Ignore her but if you DO end up dealing with her practice some vague and noncommittal statements and crucially do NOT bite back. So if she starts talking to you say something to end the conversation.

'That's SO interesting isn't it jim? Did you want another drink love: (wander off)

If she starts the snide remarks. Nothing will insult someone more then acting like they are irrelevant.

'oh Ruth you haven't changed a BIT, oh isn't that uncle bob, excuse me.'

Or you could do a Mumsnet and you could make a bingo card with all the things she might say and you and Dh could play together.

Just imagine her saying something then you and Dh looking at each other like 'omg she said it!!!'

Alternatively take advantage of some good old misogyny and get you DH to have some gentle patronising comments to shut her down.

'crikey Ruth. Do we need to tell the bar staff to cut you off?'

I have a SIL like this. Ive done nothing to her. I just smile, a fake painted on smile and grey rock or stay silent. Remove myself from conversation asap. Enjoy the wedding and dont feel you have to get her to like you. Sounds an idiot!

If they’re no contact then they’re probably not going to the wedding anyway.
but if they are, just ignore them. If I went somewhere and my ILs were there I would just ignore them or leave as I’m no contact. I couldn’t care less what they say about me. I don’t give them any head space.

Just ignore her focus on everyone else you do talk to. If she approaches be civil as you would in a work situation. Nothing more.

So do that?