Hi all. Would love some insight. My husband of 10 years and I have recently decided to separate. Despite there being several big issues, It is very amicable and we care deeply about each other but the romantic part of our relationship is over and we want to let go before things turn sour with the hope that we can be peaceful co-parents and stay together as a family unit in some way. For now we are planning to stay living together (separate rooms) as we can’t afford a second residence. I am the primary earner currently and while he is working a little he has struggled to find full time work after being fired a year ago. But we are ok with trying to live together and have this kinda ‘happy uncoupling plan’ in mind that we are trying to implement.
BUT there is a glitch in the plan- his drinking. I don’t know if I would call him an alcoholic but he is for sure a problem drinker - probably boarder line alcoholic. This has been an issue since we first started dating and was the main factor in why our relationship fizzled. His drinking has gone up and down over the years and today is much better then it once was. BUT he still drinks most days and is unable to keep his promise of not drinking while looking after the kids. When he drinks he is functional- he can make the dinner, put the kids to bed, do the things. He is not aggressive and he doesn’t drive drunk (we don’t have a car) but he is … you know, tipsy- silly, sappy, repetitive. I honestly hate it and is wish he could keep it away from me and the kids. But I am starting to actually accept that no matter how many boundaries we discuss or plans we put in place- he just can’t. He has never tried to get sober (and doesn’t want to now) but has done a couple of ‘cutting back / harm reduction’ style treatment programs. And as I said he is MUCH better than he once was but it is still an issue. He is essentially parenting drunk / buzzed, at a functional level, at least once a week.
But here is where I am at. I could make him leave and go and live with his family who lives an hour and a half a way and be the a full time solo parent. (He knows this is potential outcome if his drinking gets any worse) But that is so hard. I own a small business and my key earning moments require me to be out of the home two nights a week. So I would need to pay for childcare (which I can’t really afford right now) and then the logistics of trying to fully run our lives as the solo parent and earner feels impossible. If he was abusive or getting absolutely hammered every day then obviously I would do this but as the drinking is ‘not that bad’ I have this feeling that letting him stay in our home and splitting the parenting is less chaotic then making him fully leave. I feel like my mental health and exhaustion levels will be way worse to have him not here at all. I also think his drinking will deteriorate and I want to support him in hopfully getting better.
But obviously the biggest factor here are my kids (5 and 9). I have read enough posts by kids who grew up with functional alcoholic parents to know it fucked them up- but most of them talk about parents who were aggressive and unreliable drunks. Not parents who were fine a lot of them time and then fuzzy, silly some of the time. Does that make a difference?
Here is my question -Which is the better outcome for the kids:
Option A)dad moves out, mom runs the show and is frazzled, exhausted and broke. They have a sitter two nights a week until they are old enough to be left alone. I have no family close by to help.
Option B) dad stays, attempts to manage his drinking, sometimes parents drunk but functional. Has sober days too. We keep our little family unit together and I keep supporting him to unwind his drinking. I get some support.
Both of these options suck. What would you do?