What should I do? Functional alcoholic co parent

[whatsupsunshine]

Hi all. Would love some insight. My husband of 10 years and I have recently decided to separate. Despite there being several big issues, It is very amicable and we care deeply about each other but the romantic part of our relationship is over and we want to let go before things turn sour with the hope that we can be peaceful co-parents and stay together as a family unit in some way. For now we are planning to stay living together (separate rooms) as we can’t afford a second residence. I am the primary earner currently and while he is working a little he has struggled to find full time work after being fired a year ago. But we are ok with trying to live together and have this kinda ‘happy uncoupling plan’ in mind that we are trying to implement.

BUT there is a glitch in the plan- his drinking. I don’t know if I would call him an alcoholic but he is for sure a problem drinker - probably boarder line alcoholic. This has been an issue since we first started dating and was the main factor in why our relationship fizzled. His drinking has gone up and down over the years and today is much better then it once was. BUT he still drinks most days and is unable to keep his promise of not drinking while looking after the kids. When he drinks he is functional- he can make the dinner, put the kids to bed, do the things. He is not aggressive and he doesn’t drive drunk (we don’t have a car) but he is … you know, tipsy- silly, sappy, repetitive. I honestly hate it and is wish he could keep it away from me and the kids. But I am starting to actually accept that no matter how many boundaries we discuss or plans we put in place- he just can’t. He has never tried to get sober (and doesn’t want to now) but has done a couple of ‘cutting back / harm reduction’ style treatment programs. And as I said he is MUCH better than he once was but it is still an issue. He is essentially parenting drunk / buzzed, at a functional level, at least once a week.

But here is where I am at. I could make him leave and go and live with his family who lives an hour and a half a way and be the a full time solo parent. (He knows this is potential outcome if his drinking gets any worse) But that is so hard. I own a small business and my key earning moments require me to be out of the home two nights a week. So I would need to pay for childcare (which I can’t really afford right now) and then the logistics of trying to fully run our lives as the solo parent and earner feels impossible. If he was abusive or getting absolutely hammered every day then obviously I would do this but as the drinking is ‘not that bad’ I have this feeling that letting him stay in our home and splitting the parenting is less chaotic then making him fully leave. I feel like my mental health and exhaustion levels will be way worse to have him not here at all. I also think his drinking will deteriorate and I want to support him in hopfully getting better.

But obviously the biggest factor here are my kids (5 and 9). I have read enough posts by kids who grew up with functional alcoholic parents to know it fucked them up- but most of them talk about parents who were aggressive and unreliable drunks. Not parents who were fine a lot of them time and then fuzzy, silly some of the time. Does that make a difference?

Here is my question -Which is the better outcome for the kids:

Option A)dad moves out, mom runs the show and is frazzled, exhausted and broke. They have a sitter two nights a week until they are old enough to be left alone. I have no family close by to help.

Option B) dad stays, attempts to manage his drinking, sometimes parents drunk but functional. Has sober days too. We keep our little family unit together and I keep supporting him to unwind his drinking. I get some support.

Both of these options suck. What would you do?

I am sorry to say @whatsupsunshine but "happy uncoupling" very rarely works and is immensely confusing for your children. You are simply delaying the inevitable proper split, whereby you or he meets someone else, you move out etc etc you catch my drift and by then the children will be much older.

Also to add, I know it isnt easy to leave and start again or ask the other half to leave (ive been there) but I would 100% pick being a single mum, solely responsible for my children over living with and exposing them to an alcoholic

"He is essentially parenting drunk / buzzed, at a functional level, at least once a week."

So he's sober most of the time? Yet he drinks "most days"...?

You're hoping for responses to validate your view that the status quo is still better than the alternative. That's totally understandable but I'm not sure it sounds like you both are trying to implement this happy uncoupling plan when he keeps drinking.

What is he doing to manage his drinking? (Alcoholism is progressive, but "trying not to drink more than usual" isn't "managing" anything.)

This idea that drunks have to be violent to do damage to their loved ones isn't always correct; your worrying about him being "sober" enough to care for his kids can't be good for you mentally, either. Maybe you'll find separation is actually more manageable than living with an alcoholic?

It's a difficult decision - maybe he's making an effort now and once he's on his own he'll let it rip, hit his rock bottom and only then have a chance to get sober. That's entirely up to him though and has nothing to do with you. The three Cs - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Loads of people split custody living that far from one another. You can do one week on one week off to reduce travel time.

That’s unlikely to be what a court would order if there’s no evidence of him drinking to dangerous levels

Define dangerous levels.

I would assume he is more often than not on a comedown from alcohol if he is not actively drinking. He is in no fit state to parent them and it looks like op does most of the parenting too. I would also assume he won’t bother with his kids all that much going forward due to time spent with them interfering with his drinking time.

If you have a spare room for him, you could have an au pair as a PP suggested, or sell and move to a smaller house and have some mortgage money to spend on babysitters.
You don't say how old your DCs are but if already school age hopefully the babysitter issue will be over in a few years. If preschool then he could have them at his parents' house those evenings if his parents are more responsible. It doesn't sound at all sustainable for him to stay with you.

If you jointly own the house (which you will as you're married) he would get a portion of it if you sold, though, and he could get a small place near yours. Even a one bed could work if he slept on a sofa bed and the DCs had the bedroom. This would however return to the problem of him looking after them while drunk.

I know that social services regarding drinking yourself unconscious while in charge of children as sufficiently dangerous to trigger an at-risk investigation. There's also a specific offence about being drunk in charge of a child under 7 in a public place.

I don't think what the OP has written has reached either of those thresholds though.

Poor advice.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Isn't that alcoholism 101? He has to want to stop it and he has to make the efforts to do so himself.

That's the point at which you can be supportive of someone. Not to do the googling and the researching and the effort fo them. It wont work unless he wants it.

Otherwise you're just enabling it, which is what is happening at the moment, OP.

Chances are that if he moved out, you'd feel less pressure/overwhelmed than you do now because you wouldn't be paying for him, worrying about him, watching him, managing him and you could just get on with living your life and raising your children.

At the moment, you're trying to operate within a broken system. And most of the time, it probably looks/feels like it's working. But it's taking its toll on you. What you need is a whole new system that doesn’t include you managing him.

I would also assume he won’t bother with his kids all that much going forward due to time spent with them interfering with his drinking time.

Agree. Children become a bit out of sight out of mind with alcoholic parents.

They'll tell everyone they meet about them and how much they love them, they just don't see them, spend any time with them or support them in any way.

You have a very romanticised view of alcoholism. How do you suggest the OP gets him to admit he has a problem? Please be specific.

I own a small business and my key earning moments require me to be out of the home two nights a week.

Option C:
Ditch the small business. Either close it or sell it, providing it sells within 3 months. Claim Universal Credit as a single parent whilst looking for another job that is compatible with being a single parent.
Use whatever savings you have to move into a rental property with the DC ASAP.
Get divorced ASAP and force the sale of the marital home. (I assume it is owned with a mortgage and not rented?)

You can claim UC as a single parent whilst still living in the marital property with an ex-partner, providing you can prove he is an ex. That means closing all joint accounts, and living entirely separate lives: no shared laundry, no shared cooking or shopping, no shared meals, separate kitchen cupboards, basically proving you live like any other housemates. You also need a schedule written down of when the DC are in 'your care' and when they are in DH 'contact time' even though you both live in the same building.

You may have to give up home ownership if you can't afford to buy by yourself. It would be worth considering moving to a cheaper area to buy if you can.

The reality is that divorce means a drop in living standards: you can't hold onto it all.

How did he manage to be 'fired'

It really doesnt sound good

You are likely underestimating how much chaos he adds to your life. His addiction also has direct and indirect financial costs. If you remove all of that from the household, you may find there is more money and more calm than you expect.

The real risk is him getting custody unsupervised. My opinion on that is that children live in a state of fight or flight around alcoholics. Your presence doesn’t change that. Separating and removing him from the house gives them at least some time when life is normal. It allows them to see a model of a healthy family. It allows their nervous system to relax and form healthy neural pathways. It arms them against the time they must spend with him and gives them a better chance of being happy adults.

Well exactly… that’s for a court to determine.

I’m confused. How much is he actually drinking. You say he drinks most days but is drunk once a week?

I don't have any advice but wanted to send you some support as someone who has been married with a functional "nice" alcoholic for 20+years. I have now decided to call it a day. Lots of reasons but alcohol is definitely one. Our dc is now an adult and I worry that I should have done it sooner and the effect is has had on them. They are vehemently tee-total by the way, which tells you a lot.

It is sooo difficult to know what to do when there is no abuse or drunk driving etc. and I will admit that one reason I have stayed so long is that I didn't want break up the family unit and also that I didn't want him to look after our dc on his own 50% of the time. It wasn't a question of neglect as some would define it, but it was a question of neglect too iykwim, or certainly not being the dad I would have expected for them. It's so subtle with functional alcoholism, and 100 times worse when they don't think (or want to admit) they have a problem.

Anyway, I really feel for you and hope you find a clear path forward. Whatever you choose it will be OK and you can only make a decision based on your circumstances now. I have to remind myself of that. We have to own our decisions of course, but we can show ourselves compassion too and not beat ourselves us.