Fed up of my marriage

[ThisWarmFawn]

Hello, I’m looking for some advice and outside perspectives and I do apologise if this is long winded.
I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and we have one DC who is 8 and we’re one and done. We’re both early 30’s. We’ve had some tough times and he wasn’t the best when we had our daughter but has grown into a lovely dad and on the whole is a good husband.
The thing is I feel like I don’t want to be in the relationship anymore. My DC and I have a horse that we share and we spend a lot of time with her riding and caring for him and we love it. It’s been such a lovely thing to do together and I was so happy when she got into riding and it warms my heart to watch how happy her hobby makes her. I’ve made some lovely friends at the yard and it is my happy place and brings me the most joy in life. I feel like I’ve grown as a person recently and found my happy place.
My husband resents the horse. He can’t stand how much time it takes up and constantly moans and nags about how much time we take at the yard. That we’re never at home and that he just wants me at home watching tv with him.
I work full time in a stressful job, I wake up at 4:45am to sort the horse and get home for 6am to get daughter and I ready for school and work, I drop her off at breakfast club, do a full day at work and collect her from after school clubs at 4:30, we go home get changed and have a snack and then go to the yard where we do our jobs and she rides and then we come home for tea and DC goes to bed. My husband gets up, goes to work (he’s in the trades) and comes home again. I pay the mortgage and fund the horse and all of our daughters lessons along with other bills. My husband pays the council tax, water bill and childcare. He is the higher earner of the two of us, but has significantly less outgoings than I do. On the whole, I don’t have a problem with this, I have disposable income still, but recently I’ve started feeling annoyed at the general lack of appreciation for everything that I do and pay for.
I work every other weekend and my daughter is at home with my husband for these days. I have one day off in the week as I work a shift pattern, but on the whole work 6 days a week. My one day off I tend to do some light house work and then spend some time relaxing as I’m so knackered!
I feel like my husband treats me like I’m a stay at home mom and the washing, cleaning, cooking is my responsibility and he moans and moans that it’s not getting done. I’ve had conversation after conversation with him that I don’t have time and it’s not my sole responsibility to do these things and that we both work. We had a hug row last night as I was at the yard with my DC until 7pm and he expected me to be home to cook dinner for everyone instead. It’s getting to the point now where I think more often than not that I’d just love to live on my own with my daughter and not have to shoulder the emotional, financial, physical and mental load of another adult human being. I could afford to live alone, but I also feel trapped in the sense that I don’t really know adult life without him. Any advice I’d appreciate and if I’m being completely unreasonable and need to gain some perspective I’d really appreciate some constructive criticism!

Aah ... he is a poor horse widower!

Whilst you are horsing around he could be cooking a meal, doing the washing, buying you a treat, doing the garden - he need not be bored ......

Some new ground rules needed here I think.

Horse widower…I love this!
I’ve tried to tell him he doesn’t need to be bored, there’s lots he could be doing! But he’s ‘overworked’ and tired when he’s finished work.

It sounds like your mind is made up on the matter and you're trying to give yourself permission to go. I mean, I don't blame you if that's the case, he doesn't seem to be adding much to your life other than being a weight holding you down.

Does he know you're seriously considering leaving him? Would things change for you if he had a road to Damascus moment and things improved, or do you feel done overall?

Could you lose an 80kg issue and gain a 400kg friend and go riding together with your daughter? ♥️💙♥️

Nearly every relationship is the product of the behaviour of both parties. It sounds as though this one has become unequal, with you shouldering a majority of the financial load and the parenting. By just following your side of the situation, it sounds like you have soldiered on and created a happy life for your daughter without much input from him. And your life would be simpler if you cut him out of it.

In this case, I also wonder how your husband feels. Are his demands a sign that he resents you? Does he want you at home cooking rather than investing in your daughter’s hobby? Maybe that’s the case. Or is there another interpretation?

Maybe he misses you - it sounds like you are either working or at the stable. Have either of you sought to invest time in supporting the relationship? Some people would say you’ve opted out of family life - the lazy days, the time spent together as a family unit at home, the “in between” parts that make a family a family, not just three individuals under a roof. You’ve not done this for selfish reasons (you’re working to support the household and you’re going to the stable to support your daughter).

Maybe he is sad about how things are turning out, but struggling to voice it. He can’t always have been an ogre - you loved him enough to marry him. Can you move beyond your resentment of him and find a way to understand how he really feels?

I’d be sacking this one off

It does sound like a lot tbh with the horse BUT he should definitely be paying his way in financial terms AND housework etc.

Do you ever get family time or quality time as a couple? It does sound like that is missing here and maybe there's a bit of a spiral - he doesn't pitch in much with the household and complains endlessly and you understandably don't want to spend time with that person and he ends up complaining more and doing less!

It sounds like you had DD quite young and maybe have outgrown each other. However, having split with my DS's Dad, I'd make some effort to resolve things without needing to split up as separating as parents does come with a raft of issues (this is assuming no abuse). I don't often suggest counselling but in your position I think that'd help you see each other's POV.

There is nothing wrong with wanting life to be just the two of you. It takes guts though and of course the likelihood of some days without seeing your daughter.

So if this was the other way round - DH up and out of the house at 4.45am to 6am every day, then after work every day until 7pm, then squeezing in making tea, quick bedtime then bed until 4.45am the next morning, only ever doing some 'light housework', never mind the COST of horses, op would absolutely be getting some stick!

Not great that he's a lazy git and can't get some housework done or tea made, but crikey op can you hear yourself? You're out of the house minimum 3 hours a day with the horse, sounds like you barely spend any time at home never mind with him. No wonder he's resentful!

If this was reversed and your husband was out all the time with his daughter playing football every day, expecting you to work and come home and pick up the cooking, cleaning and washing, i wonder what responses he would get.

The horse sounds all consuming

The money is a red herring

I dont think you love him or what to spend anytime with him. Just leave.

It doesn't sound like you are prioritising your relationship with your husband and doing things together. It's not ok that he is not pulling his weight in the house either. There's a lot going on here and it seems like there's some fault on both sides. Have you thought about couples counselling? In all relationships there has to be some compromise, some give and take and a willingness to find solutions together. If that's not what you want, then separation would be the only solution.

Absolutely agree i was thinking the same. What does the OH do besides coming from work, does he cook at all, any housework during the week or weekends.
What about activities at weekend with dd?
I find the OP is making excuses for herself at coming home 7pm (if everyday is not befitting)

But lots of people with professional jobs do those sorts of hours and are up early to go to the gym or commute and not home until seven pm. My dh did those sorts of hours for years and travelled too and when I came in from work I wasn’t waiting for him to cook my dinner or do the laundry.

Thinking a bit more about this op, I think the issue with the horse and your time is a bit of a distraction.

Say for a moment that you had no horse, the lack of financial fairness and him not pitching in with housework would still be an issue presumably?

This has obviously been going on for a while if he was not great when your daughter was small.

So how did you arrive at the point where although he is the bigger wage earner, he contributes less, if I have that right? Why are you paying the mortgage alone? Why do you not have a pooled joint account at least for the household?

One solution could be for your dh to pay for a cleaner? Would he be open to that?

Are there any other horse husbands down at your yard on a Saturday who your dh could join to go out for a beer?

Could you get your dh involved in carrying feed bags, soaking hay, fencing repairs etc if he is in a trade?

Could you make it a tradition that he picks you and your daughter up from your yard on a Saturday when it gets dark and you all go out together?

A lot of husbands working in a trade would be glad of down time in which to relax and a quiet house and would be happy that their wife and dd were off doing something that they enjoy.

You don’t have to answer this but how is your sex life? Is that what he is really complaining about?

I wouldn’t necessarily assume that you would be able to afford the horse if you split though op. You might have to pay for extra childcare if you work shifts and two houses are much more expensive than one.

I agree with PPS that you might have to make some compromises with your dh such as go to the yard less frequently during the week? If you are on full DIY could you go to half?

But equally it’s such a shame that a grown man resents a horse and that you and your dd have found a hobby that brings you both such happiness. Did you discuss with him how much time a horse takes before you became an owner?

Does your dh know that we are only lonely when we rely on others to fill our cup for us! Why doesn’t he get a hobby and some friends of his own?

Again, even if you didn’t have a horse, It’s not your responsibility op to fill your husband’s leisure time for him.

Can you explain that this is a phase of time when you need to be down at the yard so much but once your dd is in her middle to late teens, you won’t have to be there with her quite so much?

Full disclaimer: I am a horse owner so my opinion may be biased. 😀

I’d just love to live on my own with my daughter

Is that what he wants, though? She's your daughter, not thine.

It’s not your responsibility op to fill your husband’s leisure time for him

No - it isn’t. But as @shropshire11 rightly says, being a family is different from being flatmates; you do need to consider yourself as a unit and consider the needs of everyone within that unit. It does sound like the horse is the priority and your DH feels there’s no room for him in that. I understand that it’s tricky with a horse because they do need such intensive and regular care; you can’t just miss a day or a weekend. But e must feel like a bit of an outsider in his own family, which can’t be good for your marriage or for his relationship with your DD.

How would YOU feel if it was the other way around?
it’s good to have hobbies, but family is more important. If you want a relationship with your DH then you need to invest time with him. You are being a bit selfish I think.

^^ 100% this, I’m pretty sure that you husband is pretty fed up with his marriage as well

"I’d just love to live on my own with my daughter and not have to shoulder the emotional, financial, physical and mental load of another adult human being."

He's jealous of the horse, he does fuck all by the sounds of it, and wants you indoors watching tv with him, and being his maid.

Nah, get rid. Gallop off into the sunset and ditch this loser that's dragging you down.

He doesn't sound like someone any woman would want to be with. He's contributing less and also expecting you to carry the weight of running the household.

That aside, if you did have a marriage worth keeping, it would be the case that you are neglecting it and I would find it very difficult if my child was being taken away so much. If you ended up with a 50/50 arrangement and your child was at home with them, I don't know if you'd be happier.

My DD put her dad on what she called 'haynet duty' last night. Just a thought.

Right, so you have already decided you want out. So what does that look like going forward? Will you be getting your DD up at 4.45am to go to the yard with you because your ex husband won't live with you and won't be able to leave an 8 year old between 4.45am and 6am.

Will you have to sell the house or can you afford to buy him out? Have you calculated child maintenance? There will be days when your DD is at her Dad's house, this isn't like you have erased him from life.

If this was reversed you would be absolutely pissed off if your child had a hobby spent with her Dad that is daily and takes up this much time. If you are awake at 4.45am what time do you go to bed? How much time do you spend with your Dh?

I am not a horse person at all, even if Dh and my child were down at the yard I really wouldn't want to spend time there, it smells awful for a start. You are used to it. I would be bored out of my mind. There seems to be no give from you.

To everyone commenting on the cleaning/cooking etc, the OP is more than happy spending hours cleaning the shit out of a stall for a horse and all the other jobs that come with it every morning before dawn but not want to do housework in her own home. This shows her Dh exactly where her priorities lie and it isn't in maintaining a marriage with him. Her time is spent doing what she wants for herself which would be fine if it wasn't impacting her marriage.

Yeah my dh didn’t know one back of a horse from the other when our dd and I became joint owners. He is now competent at feeding, watering, grooming, leading, picking up bales of hay with a fork lift, mucking out, fixing electric fences. He has a very responsible job too and he does the majority of food shopping and cooking, I do most of the cleaning and the laundry. It’s good if both parents can get involved in their child’s hobby.

He's the higher earner yet you pay the mortgage? How the hell did that come about?

Also how was he 'not the best' when your DC was born?

I agreed with many of your points until you dismissed horse riding as boring and smelling bad.

Do you know what horse-riding does for a child?

It teaches them responsibility for something other than themselves, sensitivity to a living creature, getting up early in the morning, consistency, hard work (in all weathers), resilience, handling disappointment and losing with grace, camaraderie with others, budgeting, land management and plant knowledge, veterinary assistant skills, appreciation of wildlife and birds, exercise and fitness. Enjoyment of life without a screen.

And many people devote lots of time cleaning up after a dog and taking them for walks and that is not seen as taking time away from looking after a household.

Ditto lots of children doing sport at a high level such as gymnastics, racket sports, swimming, team sports, which require early starts, endless training, driving to fixtures at weekends, and the involvement hopefully of both parents.

Would you accuse a man who spent hours cleaning and polishing his car or racing bike of neglecting the household in the same way, or is it just because op is a woman that you are making such a direct comparison between mucking out stables and housework in the house?

Why do you focus on op’s lack of housework as proof of lack of commitment to her marriage when her dh is doing even less housework by the sound of it? Why isn’t that equally proof of his lack of commitment?

OP, it does sound like you two got together quite young and have changed in different directions and now have very little in common except DD. You have found your passion and share it with DD, which sounds like a source of joy. I am not a horse person and wouldn't be mucking out a stable at 4am but if DH had some new hobby that made him happy, I like to think I would get a bit involved, watch them ride, turn up at the stables with a flask and some cakes or something. Your DH has done the opposite.

Personally, I would hate the idea that I was responsible for DH's entertainment and had to limit doing things I like in case he couldn't manage without me. That would be awful. You seem to be balancing a job, parenting and horse ownership perfectly well but also have to juggle being a wife, which shouldn't feel this hard or this unrewarding.

PP have said that family should come before hobbies and it's hard to disagree but your relationship should bring you joy, and it isn't. It's a limitation to the life you now want to lead.

I'm not sure that you are considering leaving your husband for a horse but thinking about removing a source of resentment from your day to day life.

If you were off doing horse related things all the time and he was doing all the childcare so you could do that it would be different. You sound like you are doing everything plus the horse and DD is very much at the centre of it all. It must be hard to come home tired but happy from the stables to a complaining man whose dinner has not found its way to the table yet. Life is short, I think you should choose joy.

Other posters have suggested you shouldn't leave him because he minds DD in the mornings while you sort out the horse and that you might not be able to afford to keep the horse if you split. These are not good reasons to stay married. DH might also find someone, in time, more suited to him who thinks cooking his dinner and sitting in front of the TV every night are what life is about. There are many women out there who might think he is wonderful. I'm not sure you do anymore.