Fed up of my marriage

[ThisWarmFawn]

Hello, I’m looking for some advice and outside perspectives and I do apologise if this is long winded.
I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and we have one DC who is 8 and we’re one and done. We’re both early 30’s. We’ve had some tough times and he wasn’t the best when we had our daughter but has grown into a lovely dad and on the whole is a good husband.
The thing is I feel like I don’t want to be in the relationship anymore. My DC and I have a horse that we share and we spend a lot of time with her riding and caring for him and we love it. It’s been such a lovely thing to do together and I was so happy when she got into riding and it warms my heart to watch how happy her hobby makes her. I’ve made some lovely friends at the yard and it is my happy place and brings me the most joy in life. I feel like I’ve grown as a person recently and found my happy place.
My husband resents the horse. He can’t stand how much time it takes up and constantly moans and nags about how much time we take at the yard. That we’re never at home and that he just wants me at home watching tv with him.
I work full time in a stressful job, I wake up at 4:45am to sort the horse and get home for 6am to get daughter and I ready for school and work, I drop her off at breakfast club, do a full day at work and collect her from after school clubs at 4:30, we go home get changed and have a snack and then go to the yard where we do our jobs and she rides and then we come home for tea and DC goes to bed. My husband gets up, goes to work (he’s in the trades) and comes home again. I pay the mortgage and fund the horse and all of our daughters lessons along with other bills. My husband pays the council tax, water bill and childcare. He is the higher earner of the two of us, but has significantly less outgoings than I do. On the whole, I don’t have a problem with this, I have disposable income still, but recently I’ve started feeling annoyed at the general lack of appreciation for everything that I do and pay for.
I work every other weekend and my daughter is at home with my husband for these days. I have one day off in the week as I work a shift pattern, but on the whole work 6 days a week. My one day off I tend to do some light house work and then spend some time relaxing as I’m so knackered!
I feel like my husband treats me like I’m a stay at home mom and the washing, cleaning, cooking is my responsibility and he moans and moans that it’s not getting done. I’ve had conversation after conversation with him that I don’t have time and it’s not my sole responsibility to do these things and that we both work. We had a hug row last night as I was at the yard with my DC until 7pm and he expected me to be home to cook dinner for everyone instead. It’s getting to the point now where I think more often than not that I’d just love to live on my own with my daughter and not have to shoulder the emotional, financial, physical and mental load of another adult human being. I could afford to live alone, but I also feel trapped in the sense that I don’t really know adult life without him. Any advice I’d appreciate and if I’m being completely unreasonable and need to gain some perspective I’d really appreciate some constructive criticism!

you shouldering a majority of the financial load

Err, no. He's bringing in more and spending less:

He is the higher earner of the two of us, but has significantly less outgoings

So, he'd be better off if they split up,
but then he'd only see his daughter 50% of the time.

@Ginandfrench5222 do you run a yard? Because you clearly are a horse person so will only see the positive side. I find it boring, why is that strange? Not everyone likes horses, hardly a newsflash. And horse shit smells, pissed on straw also smells. I actually think horse riding is one of the most dangerous things you can let a child do alongside quad bike riding or dirt bikes. I have a right to my opinion.

My nephew also horse rides, but not my circus. I agree it teaches a child a lot of things. I have friends who were farming children who absolutely were up at the crack of dawn working on their parent's farm. They too learned about land management and responsibility. Dh went to a secondary school with a full farm attached it - as in the school children participated in caring for the animals, learning about all aspects of farming. Cue hilarious stories of the goat has got into the school again.

And yes I absolutely would say the exact same thing about a man with his car or bike or playing golf all of Saturdays. I do not believe cleaning is a woman only job. I focus on OP's lack of commitment to her marriage because she has said she is blissfully happy whilst knowing her Dh is incredibly unhappy because of her actions. Divorce has a massive impact on a child and I believe that 2 adults should try to make a marriage work before throwing in the towel. As I said if this was a man out the house all the time doing the hobby he wants and his wife was unhappy there would be a different response.

She spends 4.45am - 6am at the yard. She picks her child up at 4.30pm and was at the yard until 7pm. Just pointing out where her time goes.

I have to agree here.

Er, a lot of that time op spends earning to pay the entire mortgage, it’s not all spent with the horse. And as others have pointed out, although op describes her dh as a good father, she is the one doing the majority of the childcare too by the sound of it.

I agree that horse-riding is one of the most dangerous things you can do and that is why it’s best if you learn good responsible practices when young. and you are properly supervised and learn very consistently and put the hours in.

Horse riding is also a very healthy way of living because you spend a lot of time outdoors, in accordance with natural daylight hours mostly, you are physically active and work on being balanced throughout your entire body, you are lifting heavy weights like buckets of water and feed bags, not bent over a screen half the day. And it is very good for people’s mh to tune in with the mind of a horse who lives mainly in the here and now, you have to give them your full focus when you are around them, and horse-riding is a great way to teach dc about emotion regulation bc a horse mirrors how you are feeling and needs to rely on calm guidance.

I don’t run a yard and of course you as an individual are entitled to find horse riding boring and smelly. But you are not entitled to assume or declare that that is the case for everyone.

To get back to op’s dh, most people who aren’t horsey people are nonetheless aware of the time and commitment it takes to look after a horse. The time to raise objections was before the horse had been purchased.

Op I think in your shoes I would be saying that if your dh paid his fair proportion of his wage towards the mortgage and going ful or half time on a cleaner, then you could afford to go full livery for half of the week instead of full DIY and then you would have more time to spend with him? As it is you are paying for the full mortgage and doing the majority of the childcare on top of your hobby.

Appreciate that it’s OP posting here, but honestly, who imagines that the partner shouldering more effort should be the one to reach out and understand the lazy partner’s point of view. Why not suggest that he is a bit more proactive, does the cooking etc.

Well, if caring for the horse means so much, then split. 🤷‍♀️. I've had horses and I'm not sure that one horse should take this much daily time. But whatever.

Hopefully, managing as a single parent will suit you better. ✌️

He's a cocklodger. A miserable one at that.

I agree with a PP. If this was a man who was the main earner and went golfing every morning and evening with his son the responses would be very different. He is right to be annoyed that he never gets to spend time with you. Why bother to get married if you’re spending most of your non working time alone? You do sound rather obsessed OP, and none of that is your DH’s fault. I’d let him go so he can find someone who is more interested in him than she is in a horse.

It’s the horse or the marriage. I can see his point, to be fair. It sounds like you don’t really love him.

Personally I don’t think he sounds unreasonable and your horse is clearly getting in the way. But, you only get one life. If he’s not the man for you better to part ways sooner rather than later.

I’d be cautious though, life is very expensive these days. Prioritise you and your daughter having somewhere to live and being able to afford what you need. If you can achieve a comfortable life solo - prepare to leave. Good luck!

Realty is people change and relationships fade.

Your husband obviously isn't your priority which is not necessarily a bad thing but if he doesn't give you any joy then it is time to end it.

Saying that I have hobbies I am hugely passionate about but feel guilty doing them for a couple of hours a week so everyday could be a challenge.

Just to clarify a few things because my original post probably didn’t highlight these things because I was in a very bad mood following our argument.
I do love my husband very much, he has always been my best friend. We had DC quite young and it was difficult, she was a hard baby and my DH found being a parent difficult…we both did, but we soldiered through the newborn years and COVID years and came through the other side and we’ve been happy. We do spend time together, I’m not at the yard until 7pm every night…I’m normally home for 5:30. We sit together every night to eat dinner and watch TV together and we go to bed at about 10:30pm. Our sex life is good, we have similar drives and are both happy and discuss it often.
I pay the mortgage as when we bought our first house my husband paid the mortgage and we had a huge fight one day and I told him to get out and he said ‘I’ll never leave this house, I pay for it so it’s mine, you can get out’. When we bought our next house I said I’d never let a man make me feel like it’s not my house again, so I said I’ll pay the mortgage. I wouldn’t have a joint account as it just doesn’t appeal to me. I also have a government paid job and he’s self employed so I have steady, reliable income.

I am passionate about horses, and I know not everyone is and that’s okay if it’s not your thing and don’t understand how someone can love it. It’s not a new thing, I’ve always loved them and he’s always known that. I also have 4 dogs that I work, he knows my life revolves around animals and always has and always will. I part loaned a pony for my daughter to begin with so I knew she wanted to carry on. DH bought the horse himself, he was fully aware of the time aspect. Financial aspect doesn’t matter because he doesn’t have to pay for the horse.

I think I’ve just been feeling more like I’m growing as a person and he’s staying stagnant and all he wants to do is sit at home watching TV. I like doing that as well, but not all of the time. He doesn’t have any hobbies of his own, I wish he did! He doesn’t do any extra curricular activities with DC.

I do clean the house and do all of the washing, I’ve made it sound like I’m out of the house all of the time and live in a pigsty…but it isn’t like that, I do keep on top of the chores.

i do appreciate the different perspective though, maybe he does feel a bit abandoned and left out and counselling would be good for us. I don’t for a second think I’m innocent in this. I don’t want to split our family up, when we’re good we’re really good. I think I maybe needed a bit of a wake up call that I need to work on our relationship a bit more. Thank you everyone!

This has summed up how I’m feeling perfectly. I don’t want to leave my husband for a horse at all! That would be absurd. I work hard and the horse is ultimately for my DD who is a fabulous jockey and horse obsessed herself. Horses are time consuming and I gave them up in my early twenties to care for my daughter and to work, I didn’t have the time for them. Now it’s something we can do together I don’t mind spending the time doing it for my DD. I like being up early in the outdoors, it’s not for everyone and I appreciate that, but it brings me joy.
Thank you for this comment, it’s summed it up perfectly.

You need to fix that financial split right away! What’s the point of him?

This - it does sound like you hardly spend any time at home, from your DH pov it's not much of a marriage, he just wants your company, which is not unreasonable.

Do you realise that manual trade work is actually quite exhausting? I'm married to a carpenter and have been a trade myself. It's a physically demanding profession.

I definitely do, I’m in a manual labour, physically demanding job as well 😀

Ah OP, horse mum here:) my toddler is horse mad but at the moment I am doing all the work and the stable is on our farm! 2 sides to every story lovely. Hobbies in our house take up lots of time - on both sides. DH is rugby mad and if he isn’t working, he is a match watching/playing/reffing. We both work full time. (Irrelevant that our roles are stressful or high paying) but they are roles we actually need to be in/present not remote! We are a team. If I am out sorting the animals and if he is in he will sort out dinner!
if he is out, I sort it for all of us. Just a little bit of communication about who is doing what during the week/weekend and who is covering what!
any chance of a weekly touch base so you could split chores and still have time for things you enjoy ie the horse and each other?

we get about 45 min in the week and it’s really nice to have our morning coffee chat before the dog/child and horse/hens all need attention

He’s a big baby. What a complete turn off.
I couldn’t stand being with someone as stifling as him.
Why isn’t he paying half the mortgage and why on earth isn’t he making you dinner and helping around the house.
He should be pleased and encouraging to both of you. It’s such a good clean character building sport, particularly for his daughter in this day and age.

Why don’t you put the dinner in the slow cooker so dinner is ready for when you get home. That would give you more time & less stress in the evenings. Discuss with your DH about getting a cleaner. See how things work out after these small changes, rather than rushing into splitting the family up. As PP have mentioned, it won’t be easy to see to the horse early mornings if your husband is not there for childcare.

Is there something that could be his thing to do with her once a week?
Swimming, climbing wall, a martial art?
He could get to spend some time with her whilst you get an hours peace at home (whilst lovingly cooking tea no doubt).

Maybe get a cleaner.
M&S or other nice ready meals once a week.